A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the man leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

The woman immediately leans out of his window and replies, "CU#T !"

They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

If only woman would listen.

A nun asked her class, What part of the body goes into
heaven first?
A little girl raises her hand and says, I know, I know, the top of your head.
The nun asks, Why do you say that?
The little girl says, Because when you die, you go straight up, and the top of your head goes in first!
The nun replies, That makes sense, anyone else?
Another little girl says, I know, I know, the tips of your fingers.
The nun asks, Why the tips of your fingers?
The little girl replies, Because when you put your hands
together to pray, the tips of your fingers go into heaven
first!
The nun says, OK, anyone else?
Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.
The nun says, OK, Johnny, please tell us what part of the body goes into heaven first?
Your feet! Your feet do, for sure! yells Johnny.
The nun, puzzled, asks, Why do you think your feet get to heaven first?
Because I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom was in there, and she had both her feet sticking straight up in the air, and she was yelling 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh God, I'm coming!' and if my Dad hadn't been holding her down, I think she would have gone!

Your on a Horse, galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left there is an elephant travelling at the same speed as You. Directly in front of You is a kangaroo and Your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind You a lion is chasing you. what must you do to geth out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION???

GET your DRUNK ass off the merry-go-round and act your bloody age.

Im so glad McDonald's don't sell hot dogs. I can't even begin to imagine myself asking for a McWeiner and don't even get me started on Super-Sizing!

Facebook is like jail you u sit around and waste time you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't even know

Was watching tv with the wife when an Extenze commercial came on. I told her I was going to order a free trial. She said what for? I said so I would have two more inches to give her. She said "I don't need two more inches", and I began to smile until she said, "but if you find a pill that will give me two more minutes, order a months supply". I love my wife

That cute blond at the gas station put a restraining order on me.

I love it when they play hard to get.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

At a formal party a man walks up to a woman and asks her to dance and she agrees. After some light conversation the man says, "you smell very nice, what do you have on"? and the women replies, "well thank you, its chanel". After a minute or two she says to him, "you smell very nice yourself, what do you have on"? He replies, "a fuckin hard-on, I didnt realize you could smell it"!!

What Do U Do When Your Wife Comes Out Of The Kitchen Yelling?
Get Her A Smaller Leash

How Do U Get A Baby To Stop Running Around?
Nail His Other Foot To The Floor

How R People And Jellybeans Alike?
Nobody Likes The Black Ones

A Black Guy Walks Into A Bar With A Parrot On His Shoulder. Bartender Goes "Hey Wherd U Get That Thing?" Parrot Goes "In Africa, They're All Over The Place!"

During sex you burn as many calories as running for 6 miles!!
Who the fuck runs 6 miles in 30 seconds??

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You're by far the biggest I've ever had!"
Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response..

My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck me off, I told her I totally respect her decision and I'll give her a call near the time.

Our sex life had gone downhill so I bought my wife an orange dildo. She said "it looks like a giant carrot!"
Which is ironic as her vagina looks like a donkey yawning..

A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on.
Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

The new titanic movie is out, shot in 3D, better quality, more detail, sharper, clearer images.
Maybe this time they'll see the fucking iceberg.

I'm considering going on "Embarrassing Bodies" TV show, one of my testicles is bigger than the other two.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones!

What is the shortest book in the world?

What men know about women.

How do you know if a man is sexually excited?

He's breathing!

How do you know if a man is happy? Who cares?

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What's Tread's favorite pickup line at a gay bar?

Can I push in your stool?

Why shouldn't women be allowed to wear watches?

Because there is a perfectly good one on the stove!

How many men does it take to wash the dishes?

None, thats a womans job.

What do you tell a hooker with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you do when your dish washer stops?

Slap her and tell her to get back to work.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A: Marry It!

A man is watching a video with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that Church, you daft twat!!"
His wife asks him "what are you watching?"
The man replies "Our wedding video"

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your **** they're in your wallet.

I had a wank over my ex-girlfriend last night.
I know I shouldn't but she's a heavy sleeper and i have a spare key...

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fucking angry.
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers.

Spent some time at the wife's grave last night.
God bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot by his hands.
If you look closely, you'll see his wedding ring.

Look said my wife, this still fits me after 20 years..
I said "it's a fucking scarf"

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held over a table getting violently fucked up the arse.
Sometimes I think Uncle Cecil takes Monopoly a bit too seriously..

Woman 1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman 2: "Only if he phones me."

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there, I only used it for about an hour as I started to feel sick! But its great, its got Kitkats, Mars Bars, crisps and everything in it...

So this guy is strangling a hooker and she's all stop stop I won't make you pay.

The dude stops for a second and starts strangling her again

The hooker starts screaming stop stop why are you doing this
the dude stops, fills her mouth full of mud and finishes strangling her.

lol.

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have." The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have."

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said..........FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.