A dr. starts his first day at a mental facility and reports to his supervisor. The supervisor tells him there is no better way to get aquainted w/ his new job than to get to know the patients and staff. He tells him to take the day exploring around. The dr makes his way down the hall and sees a guy mimicking a baseball players motions cathing the ball and throwing it. The dr introduces himself and asks the man what r u doin? The man tells him "I'm gettin outta here tomorrow, gonna be the new starting pitcher for the cardinals." dr tells him best of luck and moves on. He comes across another man mimicking the acitons of a football quarterback. takin the snap and throwing passes, giving handoffs. The dr. introduces himself and asks the man what he is doin. The man tells him "I'm gettin outta here tomorrow, gonna be the starting quarterback for the dolphins" The dr wishes him luck and moves on. He hears a ruckuss down the hall... It's man srceamin and giggling and laughing he thinks wtf, and moves towards the giggling man. He comes to a room where this man has 1/2 a peanut shell balanced on the tip of his woody and he's just laughin. The dr asks what are you doin. The man tells him " I aint ever gettin outta here, I'm fuckin nuts"

What's small, green, and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

A guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus... He announces to the whole bar, this octopus can play any instrument known to man and I bet any person in here $50, if they bring the instrument this octopus can play it... A guy by the bar says I gotta see this shit. I have my trumpet right here and $50 says that octopus cant it... The octopus starts out slow and goes into some crazy jazz/blues miles davis type shit. Octopus can play... Another guy says I gotta see him play the guitar... Octopus grabs the guitar and shreds. he rips some hendrix, srv, and man can that octopus can play guitar. Bartender shouts from behind the bar "I have me bagpipes right here, no way he can play the bagpipes." Owner says Octopus can play anything.... So the Octopus gets the bagpipes and he grabs at them franticly flipping it over and pulling it apart.. The owner says come on Octopus play em' Octopus says "Play them? As soon as I can get her pajamas off I'm going to screw the hell out of her."

Tarzan is swinging thru the jungle on on vines, all the sudden one of the vines snaps. He falls, crashing to the jungle floor... A herd of rhinos comes running thru, one steps right on tarzans arm breaking it off at the shoulder. Next a herd of elephant comes stomping thru, one steps right on tarzans face popping out one of his eyeballs... Now a bunch of giraffes comes running thru and one steps right on tarzans root smooshing it...
Along comes the witch dr. and finds tarzan all messed up, so he throws tarzan over his shoulder and carries him to his hut to try and fix tarzan up... He does his chant, mumbo jumbo, mumbo jumbo, eye of hawk for tarzan eye mumbo jumbo, Mumbo jumbo,mumbo jumbo, arm of babboon for tarzan arm mumbo jumbo. Mumbo jumbo, mumbo jumbo, baby elephant trunk for tarzan root mumbo jumbo. A month or so goes by, and finally tarzan is starting to get better. He's swingin thru the jungle and spots the witch dr so tarzan drops down cause he wants to thank the the good dr. Tarzan says thanku doc u save tarzans life... Witch dr, says u welcome tarzan how u doin... Tarzan says "Eye is great, tarzan see for 2 miles on a clear day, Arm is strong fought 6 chimpanzee this morning and tarzan won." The witch dr says well how is root? Tarzan says root not so good... Dr says what's the problem? Tarzan says "well, everytime tarzan squat to take a shit, root grabs a handful of grass and stuffs up tarzans ass"

What's the big ol' boy frog say to the cute lil girl frog?

Rub it, rub it