Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beergut, and still think they are sexy.

And that's it for me...

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How many men does it take to open a beer ?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

What's the differnce between a lightbulb and a pregnent woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's an evolutionary thing, so they can stand closer to the sink and stove.

A priest is given a horse and decides to take it to a renowned trainer. Upone getting to the trainer's he is told that the trainer does not like to use standard commands, and will teach the horse to obey specific commands without question. The Preist thinks this sounds fine, and writes down some of his favorite phrases.

Two months later he returns to the trainer and is instructed on the way to control the horse. "To get the horse started you say "Praise The Lord", if you want to go faster you say "Whoa", if you want to go slower you say, "Giddy Up", and if you want to stop completely you say "Amen"."

The Preist thinks this through, and after trying to commit the commands to memory he saddles up and gets on the horse. "Praise the Lord", and the horse starts off, after a while the priest wants to go faster, and so he says "Whoa". The horse starts to trot, but the Priest sees a cliff ahead and on instinct says, "Whoa!" and the horse lurches to a gallup. Franticly the Priest is trying to remember how to stop the horse, and finally says "Amen!" The horse slides to a stop inches from the edge of the cliff.

The Priest whipes his brow, looks up to the sky and says, "Praise the lord!"

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing"... know how to make them truly happy..."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"