I relapsed recently but back at it
ODAAT

What's goin on guys! I'm new to this forum, but I've been in recovery since October 12th 2010. Heroin was my drug of choice and I ruined my life because of it. I'm 22 months clean and damn proud of it because almost everyone else in my age group in my town including my old friends (they were my friends before we started using so not just drug buddies) will not clean their acts up. Currently I'm still piecing my life back together and working towards completing my BA in clinical psychology then want to go to SDSU for grad school. I'm also working on my CADC (alcohol and drug counselor) and have an H&I commitment through my homegroup in NA. I'm glad to see that there's a recovery thread on this forum, and @monstahh - congrats bro I know how hard it can be!

8 yrs coming in sept 25.my girl is working on 6 a week bfore me.woohoo!

congratz to all!

I just celebrated 6 years in july

Well I managed to dig myself into a deep deep hole over the fourth of july. I was arrested for 4th OWI. I have been required to wear a ankle braclet that monitors and alcohol intake. Obviously liquid orals are a no no. However I am wondering if the BA in oils will trigger positive test for alcohol. Please refrain from the obvious that I was an idiot to be driving in the first place as I am fully aware. I'm facing prison time, a steep fine and my wife may be leaving....However the most disheartened fact is that the last time I was locked up was 4 years ago while my wife was pregnant. I had a ultrasound picture in my cell and swore I would never be back in this shithole. My daughter is now four and I can't imagine how this will feel not being able to tuck her into bed, make her breakfast, tell her I love her when ever I want to. It is time for me to start over and take it a day at a time. I'm looking for anyone with experince with the scram bracelet only as I do not wish to take any chances. However with the possibility of a 2 year bid in prison i'm thinking a mass bulk cycle before I go. Don't get me wrong though I will be doing a mass bulk without aas if I find out that it will register on bracelet. Now is no time for me to stop training, lifting saved my life 4 years ago, by getting me off dope, and the booze, however I must remember that I do not need to drink everyday to be alcoholic, the truth is when I drink I make bad choices period. And I can't drink. Thanks bro's any insight is greatly appricaited.

With me its always "ALL or NOTHING" ....when on an 8 weeker, clean diet, no booze or chocolate, that 9th week I lose control and drink beer, eat pounds of M&Ms and basically become a drunk piece of shit for a week, thankfully I get tired of that lifestyle from going to feeling great, to going to pizza for breakfast and feeling like a grease drain!

You have know idea what finding this lounge has done for me. I will have 13 yrs this September. I have been spinning on the whole cycle=relapse thing. Have not told my sponsor. Have not told anyone in recovery. Sat at a meeting Tuesday night feeling shady. I don't feel its a relapse. I do feel pinning brings back some fucked up memories though. Im done rambling, just thanks for having this lounge available for me to ramble in.

I think that it is not a relapse, unless you start showing addictive behavior. If your buying juice when you can't afford it then that's addictive behavior....you don't have to be robbing stores or sucking a dick like a junkie, you can't use the argument "well I'm not selling my body for a bottle of test"...because honestly....how many of us have SOLD OUR BODIES FOR AN OC 80? Not me! I even managed to get by for a long time without anyone even knowing, like my ex and my family n shit....but it is very possible to be addicted to juice, and us addicts need to realize that. Yes you can spend less money and still function and actually look and feel healthier...but as long as ya don't end up abusing them and for me, honestly, that's hard. I always wanna get back ON cycle and sometimes I cut my off cycle time short because I have that addictive nature and addictive tendancy. Its a fine line guys...I would say its better to be addicted to working out and juice rather than oxy, yes ofcourse, but it all depends what ur goals are.....are your goals to become a perfect human specimen and look awsome? Or are your goals to perfect your soul, ur spirit, ur mind, that which makes you who you are. Self disipline, mastering yourself, your weaknesses, that's what's guna bring you happiness. Mastering your body will bring your temporary happiness, because ur body is temporary, u will die, or get old, or maybe get a sickness or mental illness or car crash. So just don't invest TOO MUCH into something that is garunteed to cease to exist. But if you can master urself and be happy with your real self, that can never be taken away. I think about this cuz sometimes I work so hard for so long and I look in the mirror and I'm like "why am I doing this?" I get myself real jacked and looking good, but its an empty type of happiness, cuz its like...now what???? And then we all, and I'm sure you can all relate, want to just become bigger, faster , and stronger. And we end up chasing our tails cuz well never be satisfied. I dunno...I'm prolly not gunna stop juicing tho haha

HFD BROS.... its a great day to remind me why im clean and sober....the respect of my boy and girl....(23 and 18)...there was a time when my kids didnt even matter,it was that bad.Im lucky they still love me and respect me...THAT IS A GIFT I WONT GIVE BACK!!!! all the best brothers

June 14, 2012

Maintaining our faith

Page 172

"If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion."

Basic Text, p. 95

When we first began searching for a Power greater than ourselves, many of us got stuck in old beliefs or ideas. These ranged from the fear of a punishing or vengeful God to no belief at all. Some of us felt we had done such terrible things that a loving Power would never have anything to do with us. Others were convinced that the "bad" things that happened to us would not have occurred if a loving Power had actually existed. It took time, effort, open-mindedness, and faith to acquire a working belief in a loving High Power that would guide us through life's challenges.

Even after we come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, our old ideas can come back to haunt us. Major setbacks in our lives and the insecurity such events can trigger may give rise to the return of our old, inadequate ideas about God. When this happens, we need to assure ourselves that our Higher Power has not abandoned us but is waiting to help us make it through the hard times in our recovery. No matter how painful our loss may be, we will survive our setback and continue to grow if we maintain the faith our program has given us.

Just for Today: I have worked hard to build my faith in a loving, caring Higher Power that will guide me through life's challenges. Today I will trust that Power.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

June 11, 2012

Living clean

Page 169

"As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean...Life can become a new adventure for us."

Basic Text, p. 91

The using life is not a clean one - no one knows this better than we do. Some of us lived in physical squalor, caring neither for our surroundings nor ourselves. Worse, though, than any external filth was the way most of us felt inside. The things we did to get our drugs, the way we treated other people, and the way we treated ourselves had us feeling dirty. Many of us recall waking too many morning just wishing that, for once, we could feel clean about our ourselves and our lives.

Today, we have a chance to feel clean by living clean. For us addicts, living clean starts with not using - after all, that's our primary use for the word "clean" in Narcotics Anonymous. But as we stay "clean" and work the Twelve Steps, we discover another kind of clean. It's the clean that comes from admitting the truth about our addiction rather than hiding or denying our disease. It's the freshness that comes from owning up to our wrongs and making amends for them. It's the vitality that comes from the new set of values we develop as we seek a Higher Power's will for us. When we practice the principles of our program in all our affairs, we have no reason to feel dirty about our lives or our lifestyles - we're living clean, and grateful to be doing so at last.

"Clean living" used to be just for the "squares." Today, living clean is the only way we'd have it.

Just for Today: I feel clean because I'm living clean - that's the way I want to keep it.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

June 10, 2012

Changing motives

Page 168

"When we finally get our own selfish motives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined possible."

Basic Text, p. 45

As we examine our beliefs, our actions, and our motives in recovery, we'll find that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. In our early recovery, we may have spent a great deal of money and time on people, wanting only for them to like us. Later on, we may find that we still spend money on people, but our motives have changed. We do it because we like them. Or perhaps we used to get romantically involved because we felt hollow inside and were seeking fulfillment through another person. Now our reasons for romantic involvement are based in a desire to share our already rewarding lives with an equal partner. Maybe we used to work the steps because we were afraid we'd relapse if we didn't. Today we work the steps because we want to grow spiritually.

We have a new purpose in life today, and our changing motives reflect that. We have so much more to offer than our neediness and insecurities. We have developed a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that moves our recovery into a new realm. We extend our love and share our recovery with complete generosity, and the difference we make is the legacy we leave to those who have yet to join us.

Just for Today: In recovery, my motives have changed. I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. Today, I will examine my motives.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

June 09, 2012

Old dreams needn't die

Page 167

"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise."

Basic Text, p. 91

Most of us had dreams when we were young. Whether we dreamed of a dynamic career, a large and loving family, or travels abroad, our dreams died when our addiction took hold. Anything we ever wanted for ourselves was cast away in our pursuit of drugs. Our dreams didn't go beyond the next drug and the euphoria we hoped it would bring.

Now in recovery, we find a reason to hope that our lost dreams could still come true. No matter how old we are, how much our addiction has taken from us, or how unlikely it may seem, our freedom from active addiction gives us the freedom to pursue our ambitions. We may discover that we're very talented at something, or find a hobby we love, or learn that continuing our education can bring remarkable rewards.

We used to put most of our energy into spinning excuses and rationalizations for our failures. Today, we go forward and make use of the many opportunities life presents to us. We may be amazed at what we're capable of. With our foundation of recovery, success, fulfillment, and satisfaction are within our reach at last.

Just for Today: Starting today, I'll do whatever I can to realize my dreams.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

what up my bruddaz!!!!!!

June 08, 2012

The only requirement

Page 166

"This program offers hope. All you have to bring with you is the desire to stop using and the willingness to try this new way of life."

IP No. 16, For the Newcomer

From time to time we wonder if we're "doing it right" in Narcotics Anonymous. Are we attending enough meetings? Are we using our sponsor, or working the steps, or speaking, or reading, or living the "right" way? We value the fellowship of recovering addicts - we don't know what we'd do without it. What if the way we're practicing our program is "wrong"? Does that make us "bad" NA members?

We can settle our insecurities by reviewing our Third tradition, which assures us that "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using." There aren't any rules that say we've got to attend this many meetings or these particular meetings, or work the "steps" this way at this pace, or live our lives to suit these people in order to remain NA members in good standing.

It's true that, if we want the kind of recovery we see in members we respet, we'll want ot practice the kind of program that's made their recovery possible. But NA is a fellowship of freedom; we work the program the best way for us, not for someone else. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using.

Just for Today: I will look at the program I'm working in light of my own recovery. I will practice that program to the best of my ability.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

You know what my biggest addiction is? Its being to nice to others especially ones that take advantage of my kindness. I love taking Test and other AAS because it actually gives me the courage to say "FUCK YOU" I am not going to let you take advantage of me anymore. Just had to throw this in there.

June 05, 2012

Honest prayer

Page 163

"Although honesty is difficult to practice, it is most rewarding."

Basic Text, p. 96

How difficult we find it to be honest! Many of us come to NA as confused about what really happened in our lives that it sometimes takes months and years to sort it all out. The truth of our history is not always as we have told it. How can we begin to be more truthful?

Many of us find it the easiest to be honest in prayer. With our fellow addicts, we sometimes find that we have a hard time telling the whole truth. We feel certain that we won't be accepted if we let others know us as we really are. It's hard to live up to the "terminally hip and fatally cool" image so many of us portrayed! In prayer, we find an acceptance from our Higher Power that allows us to open our hearts with honesty.

As we practice this honesty with the God of our understanding, we often find that it has a ripple effect in our communications with others. We get in the habit of being honest. We begin to practice honesty when we share at meetings and work with others. In return, we find our lives enriched by deepening friendships. We even find that we can be more honest with ourselves, the most important person to be truthful with!

Honesty is a quality that is developed through practice. It isn't always easy to be totally truthful, but when we begin with our Higher Power, we find it easier to extend our honesty to others.

Just for Today: I will be honest with God, myself, and others.

June 04, 2012

Build, don't destroy

Page 162

"Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others."

Basic Text, p. 16

Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another's expense is hollow and not worth the price.

How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them.

This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it's not. There's nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.

The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.

Just for Today: Though I may be feeling low, I don't need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.

Copyright (c) 2012,  NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved