posted Mon, 09/24/2012 - 06:50
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How many of y'all had "the talk of how many partners you been with" type convo with the girl friend?
I had it with ny gf at the time, now we are married. been together for years but now think I don't believe what she told me and don't really trust her because of it.
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I've had the talk. Chris rock had a line that I follow. He said dont ask a woman how many men she's been with because you don wanna know. Whatever she says you have to give her a 7 dick curve. Lol add 7 to the number. This is a joke obviously but yes we have had that talk and it always gets touchy. It happened before me so I don't really care but if you think she's not being honest then that's a whole different issue entirely. There isn't anything more important than trust IMO
I agree about the trust n I like to know everything. no its not going to be thrilling or exciting for me but its kind of like having aids, its not good news but its something you need and like to know
That's a good comparison. Brother, there must be something she is either ashamed of or embarrassed about if she isn't being honest about that. That's the cold hard truth. Unless she is worried about your reaction. Doesn't want to hurt you maybe. Either way I hope you square it away and work through it. I haven't seen you around much in a while.
She is embarrassed and ashamed but with it being so many years ago. You can't even keep it real with your HUSBAND who has.known you even back then when you were with other dudes n I was with other girls. we were friends n would.talk about it you feel me?
ya I really closed myself off from everybody,.depressed, anxiety, just feel sick 24.7
Recently I went through a very hard time in life - not going to get into details but I hit bottom. What I realized from this, apart from a few other things, is that there is no point in being dishonest unless you desire to live in a facade without real substance or meaning. To that, I say full disclosure is important, not for the reasons we typically think it is, i.e. to know who got the most ass or who is the bigger whore, but rather that the question in and of itself is a question posed within the confines of a relationship designed to provide security and sanctity while certain conditions are met, such as full disclosure. I would be more upset with the falsehood for in this dishonesty, rather than for being unable to ascertain some rather unmeasurable value for metrics.
The dishonesty is what unraveled this to a big situation. she was the one who first asked me and accuse me of shit. To find out she might have been lying about it? Crazy
zewiIMO people only do that when they feel guilty of something they did. So they can justify their mistake.
Me or her? n I think it was more of an insecurity we boh had/have
zewiher..which makes you have the insecurity in the first place.
In my view the healthiest way to approach this is a straight up conversation. If the proper reasoning behind the actions are not disclosed I would move on. There is no use in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, unless both are cognizant of the fact and enjoy such. I provided full disclosure to my wife and gave her every chance and reason for that matter to leave being with the addendum that I understand if this is not something you can live with. Only you can make that decision but the information must be forthcoming.
To me its not worth me leaving our family for, but it does make it VERY difficult to believe anything she tells me now. I just need to know the truth
I would second the advice for couples counseling. In addition, I would make it perfectly clear that until this issue is adequately addressed a trust issue will exist, most likely to the detriment of the relationship. She needs to know this in exact and transparent terms. Do not believe she understands until she is able and willing to mirror this sentiment back to you. Her answer will provide more insight which you may not enjoy unfortunately. I wish you the best as this can be a very revealing time in more ways than one.
Ya I like that n will def bring that up
Good luck bro
Her thing is, I should trust what she is telling me and I am beating a dead horse. Then seems defensive by stating its in the past n who cares.
You know the thing is, we cant control how we feel. Its important in a relationship to not discard or dismiss your partners feels as even though they may seem rediculous or anoying in some cases to one, they may be very real to the other. As such, each partner has a responsibility to help address the others feelings if the state or the relationship is of concern to them. Its very easy to tell someone that they shouldnt feel a certain way or that it doesnt matter but the real problem there is the lack of recognition that you each have feelings and that as a partnership, ones concerns should be the others as well. This is part of support, caring, and nurturing. By saying who cares, she is essentially saying that she dismisses your feelings, and that in essence, she doesnt care so why should you. I am not saying this is her intent or actual feelings, but that is the message that comes across in those sentiments.
Exactly exactly exactly what I feel and say but she doesn't understand it all the way which makes the situation even MORE into a.downward spiral.
I tell her its like when I would say Im going to s friends house, when she was pregnant n even some other times, she would cry n be breaking down n shit. I never really understood until after a while later why, but most of the time I would ask them to come over my house or just cancel. it didn't make sense but she was my priority so I did it to make her happy.
zewiwell said... the problem is once trust is gone it wont matter. Trust is a hard thing to gain back and it never is 100%.
Pelon,
While many people here in the forums have been through this, and can sympathize with what you're going through, no one can see the whole picture and give you the perfect advice.
I offered up my Number once. Once and never again. Sometimes questions are asked with the assumption that the answer that's given will soothe their fears. Usually the answer doesn't
I can give you only one bit of advice.
Find a couples counselor in your area. Make an appointment and work through it. Either way, to help you fix this or to help you end this.
Good luck.
Why never again
n thank you
Never again because:
1. Someone asking that question wants to hear a single digit number.
2. What happened in the past is irrelevant to the present.
3. Everyone makes mistakes and you wouldn't be who you are presently without those past mistakes.
4. I've made so many mistakes that my number is high. I'm a sucker for pretty women.
5. No one really wants to think about someone they love being with other people.
I do feel the past is the future as it repeats itself. you are correct its irrelevant so why lie about it?
You are also correct that you wouldn't be who you are today without the past, so why hide it? I feel its a way to understand someone better. Nite only with this topic but many others. its like ooh now it makes sense. no I wouldn't like to think about it but now that she has lied, or maybe lied that is, I have to ask myself whether its true or if she is lying, often. ok, if she lied whatever, but then when caught shouldn't you just admit you lied and explain yourself????
zewiI always give the answer of 4.
1.was with someone i really liked(id say love but i really didn't no what that was at that age(insert age )
2. Happen with a long term girlfriend that i thought i loved until she cheated on me.
3. It was a one night stand about a month after my long term girlfriend cheated on me.. It was stupid.
4. You.. and the way i see us going it just might be my last.
Is that the truth though?
n how would you feel if you found out she lied about hers??
Lmfao at that being the truth.
zewiFuck no--I no myself and my wife have come to the conclusion we both have lied about that number. for many reasons--but the truth is who gives a shit--I WON, i have my wife and i don't give a shit how many people she slept with before me!
However, its these little things that can hurt a marriage if your worried about it, because than you will start to question her trust on everything. forget about this stupid shit. It doesn't matter.. YOU WON!!!
But if she found out you lied wouldnt you admit it?! Like of she said,.so I heard you had sex with heather, or even more I saw something from back in the day, a note from heather for example, saying the sex was good. did you have sex? You gonna lie about it still?
I didn't win shit. they slutted her out is the way I looked at it like n she let it happen. So...
zewiIMO--and im going to range a bit--only cause i have been married for 10 years together 12 years and have 3 kids.
IMO--who the fuck cares.. Stop being a bitch who gives a fuck what some Dumbass bitch or asshole said your wife did 10 years ago.. Ass long as the news is not i heard your wife slept with someone last weekend during ladies night out.. Than who gives a shit...
IMO-your being a bitch--if it is bothering you this much how many people she/or he slept with. You have bigger issues than just this.. Are you looking for an excuses to get mad at them? I mean really---You married her or him for who they were now, Not what kind of dumb ass shit they did before you meant them..
However, if you want to worry about how many men or women that person slept with---this marriage will not last.. Now you wont be able to trust her when she goes out, all kinds of things will be in question..
The best advice i can give you is LET IT GO--IT doesn't matter--If it matters that much and you cant trust them--then Walk your ass down to the court house and get a fucking divorce. Cause now everything they say you will question.. Your marriage is over if you cant let this go.
I agree totally and thank you for your honesty.
the problem is that she ISN'T the same person I married, I might have been dating her back when she was messing around, there was a dude I thought she was messing with after our son while we were together but she promised nothing happened only friends etc so I believed her.
then when this came up, she still lied. or made an excuse which I don't know if jt is true or not. so like you said, ig did open up a can of worms and I haven't been happy for more than maybe 2 days in a row st a time with her in months. so its like...what should I do. not really trying to end a Family over this but best believe if no kids or marriage was involved I would have been gone a LONG time ago
zewi"best believe if no kids or marriage was involved I would have been gone a LONG time ago"
This should never be an excuse to stay married. Sure your suppose to fight and try to work through it because you are in love with them(there is a difference in loving someone and being in love)----But the truth is, when the kids are gone-- it will be just you two.. if you don't see you two as a possibility get the fuck out now.
You don't need to be Married to be a good Mom or Dad.. But you sure the fuck need to be happy to be one.
Look marriage is a hard thing if your still in love with them and they are with you--you have a chance--I no me and the wife made a big change for our marriage we picked up our family and moved to a different state. it is what needed to be done, and it has been the best thing for US(her and me).. I can see us two together when the kids are gone.. And I am in love with her more now than i was yesterday...
So either make a change(usually has to be big)because your still in love with her.
Or if your not happy and your not in love with here any more(doesn't mean you don't love her) and you don't see yourself happy with her when the kids are gone. Well brother, that's ok to get out of that--Life is short, enjoy it, don't regret it.
I def love her, in love, no. This also makes me feel guilty.
I was thinking of moving to another state.
Solid advice.
Bro you just got to not care. I mean its in the past so worrying about it or not wont change anything. As long as she is faithful to you now then it doesn't Matter. She isn't alone all girls lie lol (except for GRRRL lol)
Thank you. n I think it matters into saying to people Im married to her n its like, oh ya me, my cousin, n a few kf my friends all fuck her before.
its like embarrassing
I don't have that conversation ever. I explicitly tell them that I want to know absolutely nothing about their past sexual experiences. I don't really care and I don't think it pertains to our current relationship, so what's the point?
What if you found out she fuck one or a few of your acquaintances
bingo !!!
They say for women the truth is double what she says, and half of what men say. Disclaimer: This does not apply to me. My husband knows I've been honest.
I said a quarter of mine. she didn't want me to continue
Shusssssh..... i have to whisper here!...dont mention summer camp to him
TxBigBoyI know all about summer camp, speaking of tell suzy I say hi, she really can pull off that camp counselor costume
lol i am definately old and wise enough to pull off that part,and i do love costumes
LMFAO!... Will do,, as well as big muscles she is gifted with a massive sense of humour also! so she will for sure laugh her ass off too!!
CleyonSure it doesn't ;-) LOL
Seriously. I have no filter. I approach things with take it or leave it.
lol.. you have a filter, it just doesn't filter much.
Lmao..... Pretty much!
CleyonYou know I'm just playing with you!
Yea you dont want to know really and if you ask they normally wont tell the truth. When I was in High school there was this chick who ran a support group called Virgin Girl Aliance. She had a pager and would call chicks back if they needed to talk about not having sex. She never would talk to me at parties or at school but at least once a weekend I would get a page from her about 2 or 3 am and she would come by and let me get as crazy as I wanted to with her. So never trust 'em she always told everyone she was still a virgin
Smfh