Need Advice for a Worried Fiancé
Hello, I'm new here (obviously) but I'm looking for some advice and perspective on my fiancés steroid use. (TL;DR at the end... Fair warning/sorry for the essay)
For some background, we have been together 3 years, engaged for 1, and our wedding is in 2ish weeks. We have always been great together, rarely fight, fulfilled, etc. About a year and a half ago, he decided to train for a physique competition, and I was fully supportive (we work out together a lot, nothing new for us other than improving diet lol) but I told him "as long as you don't take steroids that's fine." Well a few months later I found some pills of his with a fakey label and I confronted him and he said "yeah it's stupid, I don't know why I took them, it's not healthy etc etc"
Fast forward to a week ago: We got in a huge fight, he claims he's just starting to stand up for himself and he's sick of my bullshit, I admitted where I was wrong and realized my mistakes and am working to understand how to fix everything. His attitude is like nothing I have ever seen in him before. He used to be very patient, understanding, supportive, caring, thoughtful, and now he's much more self centered and doesn't even think of my feelings at all, or care if I express them. I can't even have a productive discussion with him because he immediately gets extremely defensive and hostile, and there's not much I can say that will get a decent reaction. When he's not mad, he's just stupid horny and like off the chain energetic with this major bro attitude.
I know he's been taking steroids again, I'm not sure for how long though. He is under Doctor supervision, getting blood tests, etc. so I know he's trying to be healthy and smart about it. He also has all the supplements that help support the natural function and estrogen blockers. I asked him about if he was using them again, and at first he ignored the question. I found his needles and asked him again. He said that was for all the stuff the doctor prescribed him, showed me the prescriptions, told me it was just to help him get to normal hormone levels. I believed him but then found a whole bag he has of legit steroids. I asked him what was in the bag, he said it was for his friend. I believed him. Today, I checked the bag again and found that it was all still there, just emptier... So I assume it's not actually for his friend. He has tren (which I found searches for on his computer), clen, and who knows what else. But seems to be a lot based on the research I have done.
Now, I told him I know he does steroids and I want to understand it and I'm not necessarily opposed to it, I'm just worried and want to know his side of the research he has done. He still denies it. I legit found his gear and he still denies it. I told him I want to get on the same page and he still denies it.
I'm worried because in the past year and a half, he got a massive infection (from injecting) and had to have surgery with a week in the hospital, and he has been to the hospital twice for heart problems which I know steroids have some affect on. I'm also feeling betrayed because of the lie but even more so because we have a lot of expenses, both of us work commission based jobs and I'm always stressed about money - and here he is spending literally hundreds or thousands of dollars on steroids. Like he drained a savings account and pretends to not know what all those withdrawals were for.
TL;DR my fiancé is taking steroids, seems to have health problems associated with and/or exacerbated by them and his whole attitude and personality have changed. He lies about it and takes money from us (money that we really can't afford to spend).
I don't want to give up on us because I really miss what we used to be and I know this is changing him. I want to know if anyone else has experienced this, or has advice on how I can have an open conversation with him. Again, I'm not some anti-steroid crazy person, I'm just concerned for our future and I can't handle the lies. Has anyone quit taking steroids to save a relationship? If you have quit taking them, what made you decide to do it? I'm not going to tell him what to do, I want him to do what's best for US, not just for him.
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Imo you can't have any secrets in a relationship. Zero! I don't keep anything from my girl because I expect the same from her.
I call bullshit
On what?
Zero secrets. If you think she has zero secrets, I've got some ocean front property in Colorado that I'd love to sell you.
Isn't it obvious? You're clearly not honest with your girl about your other girl, duh.
I didn't even think that was possible...
So you going to update us?
I think it's obvious what happened....
He told her "go make me a sammich?
lmfao
I was thinking murder/suicide, but your idea might have happened first
I was gonna recommend she stick a finger up his ass next time they get kinky. If he flips out on her and tells her he doesn't like it, he's clearly a liar and it wasn't meant to be.
He's on Tren bro of course he's a lying psychopath
HAHA
Rosser01Honesty is the key no matter how bad something can get. One lie leads to another and another and ect. To the point where you cannot beleve a word of anything you are told and will be skeptical of everything. I would say Tren would be the culprit of the attitude..!! Good luck to you guys..!!
He is giving you a really good look at how he's gonna be when you are married ... myself, I d be concerned by the lack of honesty and the inability to communicate without conflict ... I m old enough to say run away it isn't worth it if BOTH of you aren't invested .... I d say more but honestly its gone down a path that very likely isn't going to reverse itself .... what 'us' are you giving up on ... particularly if he is 'taking' money that you can't afford this isn't about quitting steriods, that is just how the issue is presenting itself ..
I don't really know anything about either of you but I can say this ... if you have misgivings now then getting married isn't the solution ...
that's my doom and gloom for the day I hope it works out well for you what ever you decide to do
dropdzzVery good advice!Marriage just make you more stuck it never fixes the problem.I must admit though it gave my wife the divorce treat she could throw at me when I'm bad!
just keeping you in line with that one ;- )
I've been married all my life (I'm currently on #3) and I can give you some sound advice: Men do not like to be "monitored". That said, he's already broken your trust by not bringing this up to you to begin with....probably because he thought you would be upset about it (which you obviously are). Now you are going to always wonder what else he is lying about. Deception by omission is still lying. Men are always going to do exactly what they want and nothing you do will change that. You can express your concerns, but if you nag him about it or bring it up all the time all you will be doing is causing friction and it still wont make him stop. DOnt snoop in his phone, his computer etc unless you are ready to see something you don't want to see and then you better have a plan of action in place in case that occurs. Relationships are never ever 100% perfect. If you get 80% then you are doing good. The thing about him getting an infection is serious. One of my husbands was a heroin addict and infections by needles are no joke. Your fiancee will stop using steroids when he is ready and not one minute sooner, believe me. One more piece of advice: put the wedding off if you can. If not, divorce isn't that bad if you don't have kids. Just get all your ducks in a row first.
Update: without me bringing anything up, he randomly gave me a lecture on how bad steroids are and how it's stupid to do it if you don't need it... almost threw me off the trail. But girls aren't that dumb. So this morning I told him I wanted to talk to him later about something that I know he doesn't want to talk about and said I loved him and that I know the stuff he said was his friends is actually his (I positioned it as a conversation and wanted to give him time to think about it today before we actually talk about it). He of course got mad at me for snooping. Fun times guys, thanks for the advice and much needed clarity.
You need to create an environment where he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it, which it sounds like he doesn't currently. Then, if he can't truly be honest with you, your impending marriage should be a major concern. Honesty prevails, and a marriage without trust is a divorce waiting to happen.
Good luck.
I agree. One good thing he is giving her a really good look before she places the ring on.
You guys all ruined a perfectly good source of income for some divorce lawyer out there. Shame on you!
Or a defense lawyer. Every marriage doesn't end in divorce ya know ;-P Can't spell manslaughter without laughter!
Run forest run!
I hate to say this but I just scrolled through this thread to see who has responded and had numerous thoughts about dejavu. Fuck this it doesn't end well I'm out
Dammit Naomi! What the hell are you doing on eroids! I told you the doc prescribed the tren now lay off!
I kid.
Ms. Conflicted in Carolina,
Your boy is lying to you. You know it, you just don't want to know it. Am I right?
Look, tren is a problem for most guys, it can turn a good dude into a very jealous delusional asshole in the blink of an eye. This is something you are going to have to consider. If he's serious about his workouts and the juice, you are going to deal with that on a regular basis for the rest of your life. If he's lying now, he'll lie in the future. That's how this goes.
That's where it's at. Take some time and really think about what you are getting into. He's a juicer, with that his sex drive is going to be in beast mode. A lot of guys can't handle it and cheat. I have a shitload of buddies on the juice. Maybe 2 of them don't cheat on their lady.
Granted the nature of my bro's....probably not the norm.
At any rate...Tell me a little about yourself, what do you look like? what color are your eyes? Tell me a little about your dreams...You seem really sweet, you should PM me and we can talk. :).
Perhaps he really is sick of your bullshit.
On the other hand, maybe he's just a jackass.
There's no real way for anybody to help with the relationships of anonymous posters. No one knows what is going on in either one of your heads, and it wouldn't be responsible for anyone to give you a dear Abbey response.
But here it is...talk to him, tell him how you feel about it, make your demands if you must. You've got 2ish weeks to figure out what you can and can't live with. If you can't live with it, odds are, it's not going to change. You're the only one here who really knows what you're getting into.
I guess I'm not looking so much for relationship answers, more of just if steroids and their negative affects (whatever those may be depending on who you talk to) are something that guys get over or are willing to reevaluate. I'm not saying stop completely but I want him to seriously consider how certain things are affecting his attitude. But I don't know if that's even possible.
Rosser01I myself almost lost a 4 year relationship when I was using Tren, everything and I mean everything made me angry until I got some good advice on my way of thinking and a possible way to mitigate the bad sides and after a few adjustments I learned to handle the beast inside and blow up at every little thing..!!
Hormones affect everyone differently. Certain hormones (like tren) can have very serious side effects, including attitude issues. If he's having negative effects, then as long as he's taking them, it will probably continue, however, it can vary, depending upon what he's taking, what he's taking it with, concentrations, duration, etc. Better AAS education could possibly help mitigate some of his side effects as well.
In other words, there's no one size fits all, but odds are, unless something about what he's doing changes, it may not get any better.
You sound like you have all your ducks in a row, but what would your future husband say about you and how you handle things? Would he say you're pushy? That you invalidate his arguments at times by blaming steroids when his temper is really flaring because you're constantly devaluing his perspective on things because it doesn't mesh with yours? Do you see him as your intellectual equal? Just some questions.
So what do you expect to get out of us as far as answers? You are on an aas site talking to a vast majority of test boosted guys. If you like the abuse then stay, if you don't like it leave, it's that fkn simple. There are a lot of professional help forums out there that have actual doctors and psychs that can answer your dilemma. Have you tried WebMD?
I'm just curious what hopes I have of influencing him. I'm not necessarily against steroids, I'm just looking for advice on how to approach the subject without him immediately getting angry. And what better place to ask than people who have a similar outlook as him?
Wrong, everyone's issue is unique in itself, there are trust issues you just seen, what else is your wonderboy hiding? All I'm saying is you already know the answers to every question you ask, the issue is do you have the power to follow through with what you need to do? I never hid anything from my wife because I am smart enough to know she would find out eventually, plus we have this relationship where we tackle our issues and work through them. Once again, you have your answers in the back of your mind, don't wait until your pregnant/married/house to watch everything fall.
Yeah, I guess the hard part for me is that this is something that started about a week ago. It hasn't been a long time coming, or some constant issue between us. I guess I'm just hoping this is a phase or something and he will get over it or change his mind. Idk, it's just very new to me so I'm not sure what the outlook is and I'm interested in hearing other people's experiences so I can understand what to expect. Thank you for your response though. Very much appreciated.
Before everyone crucifies this guy who isn't here to defend himself, just remember there are 2 sides to every story. Everyone has their own version of the truth, whether it's real or not, it's true for them.
Get professional help if you are that concerned about his wellbeing and your relationship. There is probably much more than steroids involved in your relationship issues. In order for him to do what is best for the both of you, he needs to do what is best for HIM first.
We have started going to therapy, but I know he'll be livid if I bring up anything about steroids. I know we have other issues and I have been not the best for him, but long story short- it took me too long to realize my mistakes and I'm praying he can move forward. But now I'm the one having a hard time moving forward since he's been lying to me. I guess I can just keep praying that the counseling will help and he will eventually feel comfortable enough to tell me about the steroids. Which is fine, these things take time... Just inconvenient with a wedding in under 3 weeks.
Don't just sit back and hope things are eventually gonna fix themselves, not gonna happen.
So what if he will be livid if you bring up steroids? That's the point of therapy, to talk about shit you don't wanna talk about while in a safe environment so you can fix your issues and live a happy life.
Neither one of you will be able to move on together with all this between you, don't let the pressure of a wedding stop you from taking the hard road. Take care of this shit now, or else it's just gonna get worse. It won't be easier once you are married, I guarantee you that.
Im not sure in life when girlfriends took over the MOTHERS ROLE.
Maybe he cant tell you the truth because every arguement you blame on the steroids.
I can be honest for a minute i lied to the LOVE OF MY LIFE just the other day. I told her i didnt hit the gym. But i crushed it that day. Did i feel good about the lie? NO. BUT it saved a useless arguement. Is it really the tren OR IS IT. The nerves and focus, of trying to do a show.. If a woman cant handle the truth plan on a man to lie to advoid a conflict
Just to be clear, I have never gotten mad at him about his steroid use, I have usually confronted him when I find it, but I don't make it a big deal. I've read enough of these forums to know that a lot of guys just don't care and would pick steroids over the love of their life because that's what their attitude is allowing them to do. I have briefly discussed with him if his admitted testosterone/estrogen blocker use has affected his mood but I have not actually blamed the steroids. Mostly because I want to address other issues first. But I don't think he knows that I know about his use.
bigmurphDamn you sound like a really good girl to have you said that you tried to tell him its ok to take steroids but he still denied it. The way you describe it sounds like he is on some type of dope. My wife knows flat out what I take has watched me inj plunty and has seen what I have. You say there is alot of money missing. Just a question has your future husband ever had a drug problem in the past. He is definitely using steroids but im wondering if he might be using other drugs on top of it which is causing things to be this bad.
I wish you the best but its not what you want to hear but if you love something let it go if it comes back its yours. Its a very true statement in life.
As far as I know, he has never used any drugs other than recreationally as a partier in college (smoking, weed, drinking, and I'm sure some shrooms or other type of things - but nothing regularly) since I have known him, he has not showed any sign of drug use. I feel like in addition to the steroids, he has been surrounding himself with not the best crowd of people - generally people who I would consider to be "douchey" so idk how much influence his friends have on his behavior.
bigmurphThis guy sounds like a fool I myself was once a fool until I met my wife and I knew that I would never have a better girl than her and lets say I smartened up real fast. If you're really going to marry him you need to of course give him his space and a life but he also needs to grow the fuck up and be a man.
Good luck to you
Tren is not prescribed by a physician, nor is anything else he is taking with the possible exception of testosterone and if his age is the same as yours I would be doubtful of that as well. The steroids don't alter your personality much at all, but they will at times amplify pre-existing personality traits or flaws.
Honestly he sounds very immature and lucky for you you are getting a look into a crystal ball right now. If what you see is what you want for the rest of your life by all means, carry on. If however you are able to step back and look at the entire picture you may rightfully decide you can do better.
But please do not blame the steroids for this. The vast majority of the regulars here are longterm happily married people here. It is about maturity.
Thanks for the response, I do feel like part of this is caused my immaturity and also the normal cold feet that any guy gets before committing his life to someone. I think that combined with the steroids and increased testosterone are affecting his attitude and, like you said, amplifying his negative emotions. I just want to be able to have an honest conversation about it with him but I don't want to push him away by bringing it up. I can accept responsible steroid use but I just need honesty. I don't know how to bring it up without him becoming hostile.
Oh and his doc is one of those who helps guys on steroids manage the long term effects as far as I can tell... Kind of a gray area thing... Like where doctors give you a medical marijuana card even though they know you don't "need" it
Sounds like he's turned into a real pos. You need to lay it out clear for him.
Trens not for messing with, if you can't take the sides you shouldn't be taking it, shame it's a first option for so many these days.
Yeah, i agree... Based on my research lol. The hard part is people on that don't want to hear anything that questions the "amazing" way they feel and how awesome they are now. It's like he's so unapologetically full of himself that you can't question anything because in his mind, he's a significantly better version of himself. And in my mind, yourself is yourself without drugs/supplements.
RustyhookerIf it can't be openly discussed and he cant be trusted with house budget.....same as any addict.
Tren can cause assholish attitudes. I agree with guitar in that he doesnt know what he's doing.
This sentence of yours makes this suspicious.
I believed him but then found a whole bag he has of legit steroids
Makes what suspicious? Im not sure what you mean...