Bro I was a chronic relapser. I would have a significant amount of clean time (5 years, 11 years) and then something would happen in my life and I would use it as an excuse to relapse. Yes, it was hard to admit it to others and the guilt was awful, but by not sharing I was just perpetuating my addict behavior. This addict behavior would only cause my relapse to progress and lead to me falling right back into active addiction. You have to be honest with others and more importantly yourself. I'm sure your sober buddies won't judge you for your relapse and in fact they will probably respect you more for being open and honest. I've had to get a number of white keychains in the past 25 years, but I can honestly say that once I did I felt so much better and was able to move forward. I just had my 4 year sober anniversary a couple weeks ago and I've never felt better. Coming on here and sharing was a great 1st step (no pun) ,but go into your home group meeting and do the same thing. You'll be glad you did.

Relapse is a part of recovery. My personal episodes allowed me to have a state sponsored "time-out". In the overall picture, the starting time never really matters and like everyone else said, it's the finish that counts. You understand, take responsibility, vow to move forward -all perfect steps. if they are your real mates, they'll understand, support you and be the sail instead of the anchor.

And I would also say that you need to stay away from the rehab center and from all those who take something!

Remember ! Everything starts from the first time and should always be avoided! If it happens once, then it will be the beginning! And I never understood rehab centers at all and also publicly talk about my problems! 10 years without recurrence but I was afraid. I recently had an operation and after that I stuck my headphones in and listened to music while high. A few hours later, when the anesthesia released me, I realized that this was not mine and I would not return to this. When I fully felt my body, I was convinced that I would not repeat it again. I used to be afraid and thought that I could start again. But now I'm sure it isn't. And it's not just 10 years. These are years of work on yourself. And by the way, thanks to steroids, I improved the quality of life. Now I regret that instead of drugs I had to do bodybuilding. And then I would not try steroids.

Yeah, the clean time clock restarts after using again. Although it may feel like you failed yourself & others, you haven’t. The very premise of these programs is that together we’re stronger. Others will find connection to your story. I always connected more with people that were fresh from using, not people with years under their belt. And your bravery & transparency about what you’re currently going through will show others it’s ok, that falling off is too be expected and that each time we get back on we’re stronger than before. You’re already moving in the best direction here, on the forum.

No judgment whatsoever man, but I don't think lying and deceiving your buddy is wise if you sincerely wish to overcome this. Own it and share it, your friend asking you to speak just might be a "blessing in disguise" and you might learn new things by sharing it and hearing the feedback you receive from him or the group as a result. Realize you are not the first person to experience this and won't be the last. Don't run from it, face it.

Being honest with ourselves and facing the issues head on, in my opinion is integral in succeeding. After all, isnt that why we use substances in the first place? To "escape" aka forget about traumatic experience and numb ourselves into oblivion? As opposed to dealing with it, facing it and being transparent. Which if chosen to do so, equates to success in all aspects of our daily life. Again, no judgment and wish you well man.

I have also just seen your other post in the recovery lounge too buddy - I think you need to be honest with yourself about all this and address it. A big part of remaining sober after years of addiction is being honest with yourself and with others - how many years did we spend lying to ourselves and others close to us about what we were doing in years gone by about giving up or cutting down? You don't want to be that person anymore, humility is a huge part of remaining sober too and accepting our faults. The fact that you are riddled with guilt over all this shows that it truly means a lot to you also - if you were able to just forget and pretend it didn't happen then I don't think you have the ability to be honest with yourself, learn where you went wrong and get better long term.

You will get so much more respect and admiration for admitting this and being honest with your fellow group members and loved ones than just brushing it under the carpet. Relapse statistics are something like up to 85% with in the first few years of quitting so you are by no means the first to give in during a brief moment of weakness, what matters is that you learn form this and can identify what caused this to happen. There must have been some kind of underlying issues or stressors that caused this to happen after 2 years of sobriety. The first 2 years were very hard for me at times to stay away from alcohol, plenty of little things cropped up both good and bad that were a brilliant excuse for why I just needed 'to have a drink that night' then quit the next day but the one key thing that always kept me from falling is the utter devastation it would have on my training and mental state. Losing muscle & strength for absolutely nothing in return but a state of anxiety, paranoia and nausea resulting from a hangover was just something I was nowhere near willing to do just for an hour of living within a fake mindset.

I have Faith in you mate, do the right thing and deal with this and then move on just like you were doing before

I applaud you for having the courage to announce your relapse and acknowledging the guilt you feel. I would write down the triggers that led to the temptation and look to avoid them or acquire knowledge on the source of that temptation so you’re aware on what to do the next time you’re in that circumstance. You’ve made so much progress and you have to stay with that momentum. If you think you’re strong enough to overcome the circumstance that led to you having the relapse than I would continue as If it were a lesson, you’re not lying to yourself considering how far you came, you just experienced the consequences of your choice and are aware of the guilty conscience that manifests when you commit that action.

I’ve had my own substance abuse issues but not with opiates but have a brother who is dying because of his addiction to them. Researching the nervous system and the circadian rhythm has helped me overcome a lot of destructive habits. If you want, I can share articles with you as well as a few educational videos on how the mechanics works. Basically, you’re a culmination of individual computational sub selves (neurons) who assert influence over certain decision making. It’s a dualistic organizational hierarchy that comprises the highest self which is you but on the flip side, those neurons have their own influence that transmit signals for you to commit certain actions. It almost sounds like possession but according to certain neuroscientists, neurons remember. You have to regain control over those units. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

Also, look into the triune reptilian brain which sounds like something religious but basically we have 3 brains-neo cortex=rational part (the evolved human)
Limbic/mammalian-emotional brain (predominant in mammals)
Hind brain/medulla(reptilian) reptiles possess only this portion.

We happen to possess all 3

I wish you nothing but a positive outcome and I’m willing to message you privately if you prefer.

I've got a past that includes opiates myself, it's been 8 years now since I've touched the stuff.

What worked for me?

The 12 steps, NA/AA, whichever place makes you feel more comfortable.
Advice? Go speak at the meeting.
Tell them what happened, where your at, and where you're planning on being tomorrow.

Our secrets only keep us sick. Getting it out in the open and being honest is one of the core fundamental aspects of recovery. For me it took changing who I was as a person through developing a spiritual change.

I've been off the drugs for 8 years, I wish I could say the same for alcohol. I relapsed on that, got off the stuff again, relapsed again, got off it again.

You know what I've found out though?
I'm always welcomed back to the rooms, and you know why?

Normal people can't always relate, but another real addict or alcoholic knows what it's like. If they're serious about being clean, they'll be more than willing to help you get back on the right path.

I'll be praying for you man.

Meetings, Gym, Clean Diet, Spirituality, the Steps...

It works, it's that simple.

Don't count it if it's going to make you think about it more. Just do whatever you can to put all that behind you.

I’m not trying to give you bad advice, but it’s only a full restart if you own it and tell everyone about it. That’s up to you. If you didn’t harm anyone, or yourself, you can simply move on and get back on the wagon. Chalk it up as a big mistake, and do your best not to let it happen again. I believe in AA and NA, although I also believe some people take it to a cult level. My advice would be to MoveOn, and don’t look back, and stay away from whoever got you to party again. People, places, and things will destroy you if you let them, and so will bad memories. Concentrate on your training, and MoveOn . Just let it go, you’re still alive, but next time you might not be, so try not to let there be a next time.