Kentucky! Really!? Fucking Kentucky of steroid nation! Goth, If that's true. Why the hell did I sell my Elite beachfront property, in lieu of this cardboard box, sown by the river! Actually, just discarded pizza boxes, held together with duct tape, & bubble gum (strawberry bubblicious, i think) : ( I was promised an army of newbies for me to experiment on (no homo). Normally, I'd say fuck this, I'm outta here. I needs me some gear, though. So, I had hodgiepharma help me with one dem der S A's... Just In case you don't wish to read...
Countless oral only cycles (a couple double orals), trying to use slin pins to pin test c; & pulling the plug on that cycle (upon finding actual pins mind you) after 3 weeks convinced it was bunk, getting beat up, by the dude who sold it to me. I didn't pay attention in school (ALL TRUE) : ( I'll have to contact viking & Tread to see how to properly grease the big wheels to win this fucker. I's needs 2 winz me some gear!

Everytime I looked up, I'd always seen a light. A sense of hope, spontaneity, an understanding of what you're doing is real. But where was that light in the science of anabolic androgenic steroids? I had no answers. I was truly hapless.
The sheer awe immersed my mind when I first saw a Bottle of Testosterone (Cypionate; didn't know that at the time); and the unnaturally big, Division one linebacker selling it to me (us). The kind of yellowish hapless pale engulfing the syringe was just the type of color that seemed implausible in the real world. The hopes of not gashing veins in lieu of the surrounding soft tissue, muscle complexes seemed to be telling a story far beyond that of any autobiography. But what? I was simply far too intimidated to progress any further. So, in a shoe box under my bed they sat. I had read about winstrol, and anadrol 50 (both orals). They looked like the perfect stack. So easy. Surely they would do the trick. They did their jobs, respectively. No PCT... I cried. A lot! Still didn't fully understand what went wrong.
Fast forward half of a year or so, to when I did finally grow a pair, deciding it was now time for me to get all swollen and shit. I ventured out to find pins. Walked into the nearest ... looking for something to administer my injections. What I found was a big bag of insulin pins. Yes I tried. Succeeded at failing, once again. Even after I procured the proper inch and a half 22's. Still couldn't grasp the why this superior compound wasn't working, and pulled the plug on that cycle of test c after only three weeks. I was convinced it was bunk. Long story short. I had words with the dude. Turns out it wasn't. The guy that sold it to me, was also doing that same compound (only test c) properly. And he properly beat the living shit out of me : ( Anyway, more time passed, and I was now a junior, so much more "mature", "experienced", "eyes much more open to what reality has to offer an intelligent, strikingly average looking, real man like me". Hyperbole? Perhaps, but I was convinced my differences, and previous shortcomings would certainly lead to change. This time, I had a much greater background to work with. I was able to grasp the inner workings of the weight room, my vast domain and I now better understood the work of the drugs that attempt to destroy my natural puniness. I was no longer oblivious to the subtleties of DNA. I aggressively sought answers to what had gnawed at me. Library, boys & grrls. No interweb doohickey. Not much more than a big typewriter w/email. As far as I knew.
I now felt a new sense of power. Not only had I become immersed in my subject/s, I realized the unique voices each new drug provided. My god, there were some truly awesome ones. Some I'd never even dreamed of. I felt an ability to relate biology to reality. I never once doubted my control. Not only did I scrutinize every drug, I was now putting things comprehensibly together, on my own. I didn't just follow a set of directions when I operated; I was now directing. I learned the intricacies behind those answers. Finally, at the age of 19, it seemed like I was capable of realizing the depth of infinite possibilities. This was science coming together in different elements. When professors talked about scientists such as Albert Einstein or Charles Darwin achieving science at its true "zenith", this is what they meant. Of course I was not tweaking with quantum mechanics or battling religious groups about the presence of evolution, but I was achieving something far greater than a set of results. The lens through which I saw things was so much clearer. I was curious. Looking back, I was still a moron, but. This must have been the light shining. Right?
But how mistaken I was. The abject disappointment soon set in. After my first true cycle Dbols/test c. When I truly analyzed the results from my first cycle/s, looked for the subtleties in the sought relationships, I became consumed by this. Nothing made sense. The variables, not possibilities, were infinite. How much of a certain compound was too much? How many cycles were too many? Something was seriously lacking. How arrogant I could have been for thinking this "zenith" was so rudimentary when it had gnawed at phenomenal minds before me? I knew better, I was "raised" better than this throughout my experience with work, but surely the allure of science had duped me. I wasn't any kind of scientist. I wasn't just hapless, I was paralyzed. Still convinced. I knew it all.
The aftermath was stark. The next month I lacked a fire. I lost the ability to be surprised by anything. My work lacked cohesiveness. It reminded me of yet showing some form of elusive promise weighing down on top of me. I felt the same desolation as before.
However, I stuck to form; I was too engrossed to just leave my subject even without the shock. I still stayed in the library for many hours analyzing through every set of data, the linear regressions, the t-values, the residuals, none of it ever left me. I was still fazed and adapted, but I retained the thought that the light never ceased to exist. However, rather than me trying to find it, I gave it the chance to find me.
As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me: tranquility. I was oblivious to it for a while, and its effects were gradual, but this calm that came from my empirical hard work soon took over. It wasn't a satisfaction but it can't be fully translated. However, in this state, I wasn't seeking relationships between different forms; rather I allowed them to engulf me. I was at ease, I was accepting; I was accepted. I let the forms around me dictate what happened. I wasn't waiting. I allowed myself to be paralyzed by the unknown in the results. I still sought to eradicate its existence, but for the first time in my life, I felt the unknown. I didn't just acknowledge it; I felt its harmony, rhythm and ambiguity. This was a beautifully sweet science. This was the light; it wasn't a form of hope like it had been before, rather a wave of harmony that comes from grimacing right at it and seeing all the rays burst out in all directions and knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.
Finally, things changed. Those variables suddenly ceased to exist. Things started co-existing. Finally, my results were tangible and could lead to something really significant. The idea of zenith was superficial, we create the apex in science, not the subject, but the calming presence told me all I needed. The truest bliss was with me this whole time; it just needed its purest natural environment to be revealed.
It would be a mistake to look at this as a significant moment that changed me. That is creating a limit, destroying the spontaneity. Rather, this spontaneity must begin to now lead me.
In many ways, a framed mindset, even a hypothesis, can be dangerous. It tries to create & convey a message behind curiosity and thought. It tries to limit naivety; perhaps my greatest asset. The ability to concede with this paralysis, to keep the unknown alive in me has been my proudest accomplishment. I have let that light I know keep shining; its presence even when clouded is nature's greatest purity. Just look up : ) Diet!!! & American Whey Protein Powder, Not AAS, changed my life. Learn what works for you first, morons... All the gear in the world won't make you he-man, if you don't eat properly. OOH, don't forger PCT, either. My 1st pct was a box of clomid :/