Forgiveness
Maybe someone here can relate or give me some advice. About 7 years ago I was living a very reckless lifestyle. Drugs, arrests, police showing up at my families house, fights resulting in hospital visits, name in the paper, and at my lowest even stealing some cash from my parents to pay for drugs. Rock bottom came when I realized my family was starting to check out emotionally... something i feared would never get fixed.
After reached my bottom I turned my life around. I stopped drugs and drinking, got rid of all my old friends, started seeing a shrink for my emotional issues, got a full time job, and above all looked at every aspect of my life that I could improve upon. With these improvements I was able to turn myself from the guy you wouldnt leave your wallet next to , to the guy who would save you from a burning car. I also went about doing favors for all the people I hurt.
Now here we are seven years later. My parents have embraced me again, which is huge. My older sister ( who i never really got along with ) is at least letting me participate in her new family. Something that is dear to my heart.
Now here's my problem. My younger sister still wants nothing to do with me. Ive tried everything over these 7 years... letters, emails, phone calls.. I get the polite response back- but no interest in meeting and attempting to rebuild. My family continues to put huge amounts of pressure on me to "fix it", but at this point I feel like its out of my hands.
Ive tried to communicate to my parents that I wish they would encourage her to accept my gestures... but I always get " we arent getting involved" " this is your problem you need to fix" "... and basically that my mistakes were so terrible that they warrant my apology not being accepted.
At the seven year mark you start to question... will this last 10 or 15 years? Any advice or insight would be great.
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You are still young; your sister is even younger. Unless you did something unforgivable to her specifically, she will come around. Continue living a good life and persist in your attempts to communicate with her. One day you will catch her in the right frame of mind and it will begin. Best of luck to you.
falling outs among siblings are hard. i had one with my brother and i can not forgive him, and i never will. somedays i wish i could i miss him but when i think about what he did i get angry all over again. i hope someday i can find the love to let it go just not right now
Sea, I can relate more than you know. I'm a little sister to two big brothers (older brother 5 years, second brother is four years older). Growing up I couldn't be found but right up their butts. My bubbas meant the world to me, they watched over me, took up for me and always treated me like one of the boys.. (even with pig tails) So, I think you get the idea, everything in my life was about what I was going to get to do with them. From my first memory until the age of about 12 it was me.. big T and bubba. (my names for them) Big T was my oldest and I didn't really have that much of a connection with him, but my bubba, he knew me better than anyone. I can remember when he started getting into trouble and going down the wrong path. I remember the late night phone calls to my parents and hearing my mother cry. He would come home and tell me everything, he never once lied to me.. honest as could be. He was doing wrong and he knew it but at his age he didn't care. It wasn't long before he was an adult and mom and dad couldn't go and get him. I remember back to that night, god I cried.. I couldn't understand why he couldn't come home, why he couldn't just say sorry like all the times before. He was sentenced to 15 years and shipped about 3 hours from home. Before going to jail his girl friend had given birth to a baby girl, now not only was I effected, my parents now this little baby girl. Every other weekend my parents made the trip to see him making sure to take my little niece so that she knew who her daddy was. It wasn't long before I didn't have time to take that trip. I had friends and sports and things that normal teens do. I stopped going and I didn't write. But it wasn't because I was upset I just didn't have time. Finally the day came that he was able to come home.. I couldn't have been happier. He was still my bubba and could still read me like no one. He was only home a very short time before going back. I was broken, hurt, betrayed and pissed. Mad that he would come home and not done right. He would play on our emotions like that! Why? My parents were hurt, and broken all over again. I couldn't believe it, here I had paid for all of his mistakes. Growing up my parents always had it in the back of their mind that I would end up doing something wrong or that I would go down the same path, so it was hell. Not to mention we lived in a very small town everyone knew about my brother. Everyone of my friends knew that he was in prison for being stupid. It was embarrassing and I didn't want anything to do with him. I completely shut him out of my life. I couldn't see past my hurt and pain to see that he was still my bubba. He would write and call and I wouldn't do anything. I did that for almost 10 years. However, one day he called and I answered... why I don't know. He said Hey sissy, I said hello and he knew something wasn't right... he said "what's wrong sissy" I said nothing as I had said to everyone.. but he was still bubba.. he knew better. He begin with "I'm sorry I've not been there, I'm sorry you've been the one to deal with the life that I left behind, I'm sorry sissy, but I will not sit here and let you tell me nothing, when I can hear more.. you can tell me or you can hang up knowing you lied." He was right, I did have so much going on that I needed to talk to him I needed that person that just knew. I spilled it as I've always done with him. It didn't fix us over night but it did put us on the right path. He's my bubba no matter his mistakes. I can't live life for him, he's the only one that can do that. All I can do now is sit back and see what he does. Do I think he will do right and keep is word... not really. Do I hope with all of my heart that he does, yes I do.. because after all that he's still my bubba.
One day you will make that call or write that letter and she will respond. I promise you she will and all you can do is be ready. Don't hesitate and don't hold it against her. She's mad, hurt, disappointed maybe even embarrassed. That all passes with time, and seeing that you are keeping your word. One slip and she will see that as you can't do it. Keep your head up and keep trying.
Lastly be proud of yourself for making that change and doing what's right. You truly do not see the effect that you have on everyone that loves you. It's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I'm stronger for it, he's a better man because of it.. but in the mistakes we make we do not see the casualties we leave behind. Best of luck to you my friend.. and remember you are still her brother.. she knows that.
AnonDepending on a persons age and whats going on in their lives, forgiveness may or may not be possible for them. I find true forgiveness takes a certain degree of maturity, confidence and comfort with ones self . This is not the time for you to force this upon her, but rather excerize your own ability to forgive by being patient enough with her till she grows a little more.
tread-mJust keep on keeping on doing the right things and let it untangel . People are like knots in a rope, some untangle easy, some much harder and some so tight they never will.
Do the right thing is all you can do. Send bday cards and drop a voicemail with best wishes. Send Christmas cards and same with her kids, send them cards from their uncle "missing them, loving them and best wishes etc. All those things like that will show over time you care about your family, lifes not all about you and you are a new person, revived into something with worth no longer the worthless POS you were.
Do the work brother and know at the end of each day you did all you can do so you know in your heart there was nothing more and if that knot never comes out guess what? The rope is still worthy and does not need to be trashed. Being whole does not always mean everything in your world is perfect, it means you did all you could to make it so. From there, its out of your hands.
Congrats on finding your way, made me smile for you.
Lol that is my favorite saying "keep on keeping on" by Joe Dirt. Ill bet I've said that a thousand times but its so true.... In fact I'm going to jump over to the next thread Favorite Movie Lines and use it lol
tread-mLove the Dirt!
I think the balls in her court now bro. It sounds like she's seen this so called turn around before and now she's skeptical. You know the type that tells you how great things are and how there life is on track now and BOOM same old shit. So extend the olive branch and tell her you understand her skepticism, you love her and you'll be here when and if she's ready to let you back in her life. Send the birthday and holiday cards and wait. Maybe wait till late summer and try to do a family cookout so it's not just 1 on 1. Other than that bro "The ball is in her court"
Mate now thats an inspiring turn around. Trying to force her acceptance of you wont work. You can not force a person to like you just the same as you cant make a dog drink water when its not thirsty. Your family have accepted you and the changes that you have made, and thats fantastic. Forgiveness on your sisters part may just require you to aknowledge her decision for space. If you do contact her again let her know her forgiveness means alot to you but you respect her decision and that she can take as much time as needed. Mate I hope that it does all come together for you but some scars are very deep and do take a long time to heal. Good luck mate and keep on the right road.
AnonYour story sounds very similar to mine. I assume or hope your still in some form recovery weather it's the rooms or some other form of maintenance. If your familiar with NA and the twelve steps then I recommend you read steps 8 and 9 they will give you a lot of insight on your current situation. I really hope the best for you and congrats on getting and staying clean, we're the lucky ones.
Here is my .02, once you ask for forgiveness and are sincere and turn from the wrong that you did to people and made your best effort to give restitution if warranted then your part is done. Now this may seem extreme but I believe it and I live by it. Your sister does not owe your forgiveness that is something she should have the right to give or refuse. By you continually pursuing her and many here will probably disagree, you are being selfish. Even though your intent maybe to restore and that is what the rest of your family is pressuring you too it is still selfish. Why because your sister doesn't want it now. The man you were before was selfish and that is what your sister remembers.
So if you were to say to her "I am going to respect your decision and not push you to do me and the family this grace, because you have the right and no one can blame you for not trusting me I lost that with you. Then you honor your words and just maybe she will for the first time see a real selfless action from you. It is your desire to resolve this tension but it currently isn't hers giving her the respect to have her choice and even telling the rest of your family "I don't deserve her forgiveness it is her right to give it or not but she does not owe it." Then no one can push you after that and have a clear conscience.
I can relate to you my friend different circumstances same subject. Because of my profession I chose I have taken a lot of people's lives. Someone's son, father, husband, and brother etc. I am not going to say here all of the other good things that I have done many here would be very impressed and say "that is wonderful Pank". Because they are lovely people here. But let me tell you straight all the good things that i have done in my life does not payback those who suffered loss at my hands. You may be the best man and the world right now but and I am sure in you are a man of integrity and humility you will agree, that is doesn't make up and never will for the past hurts that you have caused others. Only they have the power to forgive you and thus wipe out your debt that caused harm but doing good now doesn't take away the pain of the past for others. And that is why I say for you to push her to reconcile it is still for your gain and not hers if she doesn't want to give it. I hope you take this in the spirit that I meant it and I am glad that you are a new and different man today.
AnonImpressive as usual brother. Sometimes the truth isn't what people want to hear initially but as it sinks in it makes sense. Those words of advice can be readily acknowledged by many of us and not just the OP
Thank you D. Because of you and others here I have added and taken away from my perspective on life so many times and always for the better.
On a side note I apologize for my grammar I was rushing and I was tired, I was not in the bottle to the wee hours of the morning :).
AnonHere here!!! Members like you Pank are why I'm still here! Thank u for bringing your perspective to Eroids brother.
Thank you!!! As always it is the special people of this community that make you want to share things that I wouldn't want to or talk about no matter what. You are a good friend.
SeaHawkYou're advice was valid. It took me a few years to back off as far as I have. When I first started I thought the quicker I can get things right the sooner everything can go back to "normal". But there really is no going back, rather now we have a new "normal".
I plan on using your statement about not deserving forgiveness and her right to refuse it.
You are not just a more noble man but also a far wiser one. What has happened with you my friend is very rare and as you stay on this path I believe that your family will come together even stronger with your wisdom and humility as the catalysis.
BirmonI know how the family stuff goes man. Haven't talked to my father in 7 years, neither have my siblings. Our mother died young, and he raised us as a single parent. The issues weren't like yours. Mainly it was abuse and his mental state that brought it on.
It's my choice not to talk to him. He has reached out over the years a few times, but I feel like it's not worth the trouble he might bring, letting him back into my life. My siblings are the same. I tell myself I will someday, I'm just not ready. He has a granddaughter he's never met. He did a lot of shitty things and I don't think he's sorry. Maybe he is though. It's more my problem now than his, I guess.
I'm just trying to give you a little insight from the other side of things I guess. Make sure she knows you are truly sorry and changed. If she can't forgive you, then it's her problem I think. It takes effort from both sides, not just you. Your family can't expect it only to come from you to fix it, it's up to her as well. Just give it time.
I'm sorry for your troubles and I'm glad to hear you turned yourself around. I think that's pretty rare, to come back like that. It shows your strength of character and your true heart. Good luck!
SeaHawkHoly hell! Your post was excellent. I hadn't really considered that maybe she does forgive me, but just doesn't want a relationship. I don't think my trespasses warrant a life sentence, but I can see how someone could be justified in that position. If my father abused me... I would probably find a way to forgive him- but that doesnt mean I would want him around my family. Thanks for the time and effort you put into your response.
Keep trying bro she will come around at some point!! Don't give up too important!!!
Captain DickMcL...best to send her a card and gift on a special occassion such as her birthday or christmas. just try to come in her life but dont be invasive or too aggressive because then she ll boot u out. I think u should either buy her a gift that would mean alot to her, or do something huge. do u guys share a good memory or have some thing in common. show her that u changed, u say u been working on being a good person, well what have u done. show her brother. family will always be there for u , just remind her of that. and if she still doesnt want anything to do with u , then let her know that u ll always be there for her whether its tommorrow or 50 years from now. thats how i would approach it, with kind words and a gift
SeaHawkThanks bro. We do have a long history... I led a very lonely childhood as far as friend go. I used to look forward to getting home because I knew I at least had one friend in her.
captain DickMclongCock is right brother, just keep showing up at her door to drop off a gift or something she needs. if ur persistent enough she ll let u in. also have ur older sister & parents put in a good word for u
SeaHawkUnfortunately manipulation was a hallmark of my old self. I have to be very conscious of how I go about communicating my needs. Using my parents/sister as a proxy could blow up in my face.