Advice On Moving From Being A "Nice Guy" Beta To "Alpha"?
In recent months (mostly during a very hard relationship with a latina girl) I went through some really hard lessons and my eyes have been opened to a lot of things about men, women, and the reality of what women really want (not at all as I was conditioned to believe). And why beta men lose out in life.
Some lessons I learned from the problems she gave me, and some I learned in the "manosphere"...lots of very non-PC advice there has helped a lot. I guess you could say I have swallowed the "red pill" if you get the reference.
I'm embarassed to admit it, but I, like a lot of guys, was a "nice guy" for most of my life. Submissive with women, poor confidence, not being a leader, kind of weak in general. I failed a lot of her "shit tests" and in the process it revealed a lot about what I need to improve. What I've learned in only a few months...wow!
So I've been working on that...for example following great advice & in general changing my attitude, how I deal with women & other people too, picking up some game, and much much more.
Every day I do different things to work on it, got a new attitude (confident but not a dick to people), don't apologize for being a man anymore, speaking my mind, I don't backtrack, taking control when I'm with a woman or in a group, giving up my silly/goofy beta ways I had. Even dressing better and pushing even harder to get bigger physically.
I'm a younger-looking 40, in good shape, and I know I can do this, as I've changed other things over the years about myself after a bad childhood. I won't be doomed to a life of being married to a fat 5 like so many guys I see everywhere.
But it seems really hard to make the transition...REALLY changing your habits & personality after so many years is tough! If you're fake, women can sniff it out and will shit-test you until you show your true colors. I learned the hard way!!
Any bits of wisdom? Life experience? Anyone gone through anything similar?
Thanks!
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AnonBeing an Alpha isn't anything we strive to be I don't think. It's inherently in us and ushered forth by life circumstances. Some achieve it while others never will because simply their circumstances never meshed with their genetics.
My definition of a True Alpha:
Compassion- empathy for those weaker and less fortunate then ourself. Finding grace in the downtrodden. Helping those who simply aren't able to help themselves.
Accountability- assuming responsibility for ones own actions good or bad. Speaking truths regardless of the outcomes. Believing in fulfilling our commitments regardless of how hard it will be. Then actually doing it.
Honor- the grouping of ideals set before us long ago. Faith regardless of a higher power. Faith in our own selves that will conquer fear and pain and loneliness. Holding ourselves to the highest standard therefore becoming an example to those who hold us in high regard. Never allowing those in our company to doubt or question our integrity. Taking the fear of those in our trust as a personal mission to quell.
Love- to search out and allow our hearts to find joy in the company of others. To reciprocate a timeless emotion some never find. Never build walls high enough so never to allow those who would choose to love us that opportunity. To have the courage to express our emotions with a free mans tongue.
Protect- to secure the fears of those we love. To defend the honor of ourselves and those we love. To defend the sanctity of our homes and the lives of those unable to protect themselves.
To me that's an Alpha. I believe in things Alphas simply won't allow themselves. Image is too precious. Don't confuse culture and vulnerability with weakness. In my weakest moments I am most dangerous. Should I be injured prepare for the devil in me. If I am emotionally hurt expect the devil in me.
Culture is something seperate. It's being open to the ideas of others not like us. Open to the sounds and flavors and sights of those not like us.
My allowed vulnerability is a choice. I choose to expose my truest self because of my choice to have faith in someone. Because I simply needed the contact of someone who has something special to offer. I believe in standards set hundreds and hundreds of years ago. BUSHIDO. The Oath of a Knight
BUSHIDO- Rectitude, Courage, Benevolence, Politeness, Honesty, Honor, Loyalty, Character.
The Oath of a Knight:
Be loyal of hands and mouth, and serve every man as best you may. Seek the fellowship of good men; hearken to their words and remember them. Be humble and courteous wherever thou go, boasting not nor talking overmuch, neither be dumb altogether. Look to it that no lady or damsel be in reproach through your default, nor any woman of whatsoever quality. And if you fall into company where men speak with disrepect of any woman, show by gracious words that it pleaseth you not, and depart.
Lead. Never follow. Be the example with actions not words. It's very simple yet as hard as anything we will ever do.
AnonYou been hanging out with Socrates bro?
That is beautiful brother. Nuff said..
Check that out!......... maaan im stuck for words, youre becoming the eroids poet real fast!
BRO FIST
all I can do is smile G... ;-)
AnonAnd a beautiful smile it is:)
My brother from another mother!! Proud to know you my friend!
AnonThank u Pank. I hope u know the feeling is mutual. I know u live these words. I try daily in my own way. Hopefully the majority of the men who read these words find worth in them.
BigBmajI think I need to work on becoming a nice guy first. Ill set the alpha ambition tour for 2015.
Coincidentally, I saw this in an email about the subject:
More and more these days, a boy is born into this world and into a female dominated household. His mother is sometimes single, is home with the kids most often, and in a lot of cases is the dominant adult in the family.
As the boy starts to grow up, his formative years are spent trying to appease mother and his mostly-female teachers.
Male dominance and masculine behavior is viewed by a feminized society as dangerous. Young men are controlled and forced into non-masculine behaviors and characteristics. There are no strong male figures in his life to balance this.
Puberty comes along – and now he is interested in girls. He treats the girls around him just as he treated his mother and his female teachers - he subordinates himself to them. This is compounded if there are still no strong male figures in his life to instruct him in the ways of girls.
He continues on this way, and as a result his adult sexual and romantic life is frustrating, confusing, and completely unfulfilled.
Men do not understand that women want to be dominated. In fact, the very suggestion of this seems foreign or not even plausible to men.
Wow.
Having the guts to admit this is your first real step to being imo an "alpha!" Total self accountability for ones words and actions is a must. No blaming others for your errors or leadership. Also no apologizing to others when you are doing right and it offends their lack of discipline. Beat yourself in whatever way possible top remove insecurity and self pity for truly these two things will destroy any making of a good, strong, noble and compassionate man.
I am addressing the idea of changing the way a man is and behaves, Grrrl below I believe nailed it on approaching a woman. Well at least a woman that is worth the approach.
Get rid of as much as you can of all self deception, and be around those who are of the same mind. I would rather stick a dull knife through my eye than have someone feel sorry for me or comfort me when I should be the comfort even in my greatest adversity. Others may not agree with this but I would not change this for anyone, it is who and what I am and what I believe.
You brought up some things I didn't think of.
To sum it up brother my take on being an alpha male is more about being a good provider. Not just financially but in every way. In order to do this a person must develop great self control and have a great sense of honor.
"When you go up to a girl don't be the pg guy that every body really hopes makes it happen, be the guy in the rated R movie that you're not sure you like yet."
Ps. You're like a big bear man... You're money and you don't even know it.
Anonhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDgPwm_9HJc&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Buy the book " the game" read it and thank me later. It's hard enough to be yourself in this life, alpha is a natural characteristic. Just be you someone will love you for just that.
Thanks I'll check it out, heard the name before.
AnonI can think of plenty of alpha females...
Single moms, working, taking kids to sports practice, fixing dinner, washing clothes, cleaning house, etc. in some species its the female that is at the top of the hierarchy.
I think alpha male terminology is subjective. There was an alpha male that wanted to ride with a club and they took him down a dark street, put the boots to him and took his scooter never to be seen again.
Some scientist think the alpha male or the best of the human race was when we were hunter gatherers. And that we have been devolving since we learned cultivation.
Hey!! Don't bring my scooter into this ok?! ;)
AnonThat was you? They did say that they just put the boots to you medium style.
Advice from the Queen.... Know exactly what it is you want. No wishy washy waffling about it. Be certain that that is what you want. Understand that there will be obstacles. Being an alpha does not mean you are an asshole. You never really change your personality you change how you act and feel about yourself but this does not change the core of who you are. Confidence is something that is gained over time. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it when you are changing things about yourself.
number one turn off for a woman ... lack of confidence in what you stand for
fyi.. silly and goofy there is a time and a place for .. a sense of humor and having fun is huge in my book and doesn't detract from a confident man
Awesome, thanks!
If I had known the things I know now, I would have a) not entered into some relationships (would have better confidence to avoid them from the start) and b) would have had a more fulfilling relationship in those I had.
Always love to hear a woman's opinion and I value it very much!
i think you've been reading too much misc lol
AnonYou always crack me up bro.
lol dude its the truth! everytime i check that place out for some laughs, its always about alpha this alpha that. btw lemme know when you make alayna your mate ;)
I can sum up your problem in 21 words. "I won't be doomed to a life of being married to a fat 5 like so many guys I see everywhere."
You will be Alpha when you can stand next to a girl you love, or allow yourself to love, without condition.
The Alpha doesn't give a shit what the others think.
You can put on your puffery, and create a facade, but you can not hide the character of the man for very long.
All the improvements you describe can be alpha, or, it can be arrogance.
Be confident enough to be vulnerable.
Be self assured
Be humble.
Do not believe you are better than everyone else.
An alpha serves those around him.
An alpha does not put himself on a pedestal, a tyrant does.
Thanks, but I think there is a misundertanding here. I mean in terms of not being able to go after what you really want and compromising yourself instead of gaining the qualities that will open the harder doors.
I won't diss on anybody who's happy regardless (mostly).
But let's be honest, and I speak from experience, guys do often go for certain kinds of women because they can't get the ones they really want. More or less that's what I mean.
Yes I'm not up for arrogance, for sure.
Thanks
Sounds like you should look up PUA stuff. lol. People may disagree with me, but some of that stuff works. If you don't know what PUA is, FR and PM me. Its never too late to change.
That book "the game" , good read bro. Not to be cheesy but to learn different tricks and build confidence and break awkwardness. 9 times out of 10 women to talk to guys, but guys are too timid. This book shows, the best ways. Younger years, it was my bible.
good book. definitely made dating fun. Beforehand, I hated dating and didn't know what the hell i was doing.
yeah you make a good point because I have looked into some of that (PUA), and those (real, serious) guys are not using lines (at least not much) but can handle a woman in general and have the attitude.
I realize some are just putting on a facade, not at all what I would be trying to do.
Thanks!
And I'd agree because his post rings of reaching the short goal...
But if he wants to be alpha, being a con man will not get him there.
Wasn't meant for him to be a con man. PUA doesn't necessarily mean con artist. lol
AnonTheres a big difference between being nice and being spineless , and when you are truly alpha in your house you dont need to say it, you just are.
Chances are if a woman is "testing " you or taking advantage of your easy nature then shes not a genuinely kind person anyway.
That's cool.
But in retrospect even women I've known who were pretty nice tested me. I didn't understand it at the time. So easy to see it now. It's a woman's nature.
But taking advantage yes a bit different.
waltrThe real key is to not be afraid of being shot down or the word no. They turn you down, just move on, there's lot's and lot's of others out there.
being nice doesnt mean u have to be beta. just be more aggressive. ur making it sound as if its one or the other (alpha or nice guy) , i met plenty of alpha nice guys
Ok, let me clarify whoops I do mean still be nice but not in the undesirable way, ha ha.
it about how aggressive u are and ur ability to read their signals and body language. if they are laughing and having a good time , im always gona go for it.. if she is hesitant , then i ll spend a little more time getting her comfortable aka be a nice guy, and then i ll go for it when the time is right. and dont let them push u around or tell u how to live ur life. do what ever u wana do and be ur self
Cool, thanks. Sounds like what I was thinking recently & what I heard.
all aggression my friend, thats where real confidence comes from.. no hesitation, no thinking or second guessing..just dont be a rapist. and u ll be fine.. after a certain period of time, u ll know what is right to say depending on the type of girl u approach. u ll also be able to recognize the type of personality fairly easy. and from there its a down hill battle.
Makes sense. Thanks my friend.
Yeah, I catch myself hesitating and/or being indecisive and now instead "just do something"
instead of second guessing or seeming unsure. Have to break these characteristics.
Awesome input, really appreciate it.
You ever been to prison?
No. Why did you ask that?
Alpha male is everywhere, it is learned behavior.
Yes I have'. Oops, you wasn't talkin to me!
;-D
Nah, you can answer! It's all good. I knew something was different about you, though...lol!! PM me, bro, if you can...?
Can you really Teach someone to be an Alpha? I mean aren't they just born? It isn't about your muscles or your size. It's an aura. Or your vibe. Charisma and machismo. I don't think it can be taught and I don't think that every guy who thinks he's an alpha actually is. Get in where you fit in. I remember my first dog. It was a beautiful Colby PitBull. When I was learning to train him my step pops said
"you have to show him that you're above him as well. You're a higher ranking member of his pack. They are perfectly content being at the bottom of the totem pole. It's when they don't know their place that they become a problem and rebel. If you don't show him you're above him , he will walk all over you for as long as he lives."
That made me think about ppl even back then at the ripe old age of 15, and our place on the totem pole amongst our peers. I notice around eroids just about everyone thinks they're an alpha! No you're not! Those muscles don't mean a god damn thing! That fight game don't mean a god damn thing! It's an essence. An aura! The alpha commands respect just by his presence. Too many Rough mufukrs. I have my suspicions that you're just fish in a pool of sharks... ;-)
But taking on the characteristics of an alpha and changing your habits to follow suit with the alpha may create the illusion of an alpha. But how will you be in the presence of a real alpha?
Awesome post Nitti !..
Oh yes I get your point absolutely, that's what I mean exactly, not putting on an illusion but the real deal.
That means changing from the inside, not so much teaching more like getting advice and going from there "thoughts follow actions."
I've seen some pretty knowledgeable guys point out that most men have this ability already...at least to an extent.
But you know how things are now, so many guys don't use what they have. They sit there and take crape from people especially women. And now boys are raised to think being a "nice guy" like in the movies is how you get a woman. And that being direct, confident, and going after what you want unapologetically is almost a crime.
Like now, I'm not the same person any more. I honestly see things differently now, and not afraid to say some crazy things. If I'm "real" and confident, I noticed I get away with a lot more especially with women.
But it's really hard and I catch myself with old habits popping up.