Bad form? Bad policy? Or survival of the fittest?
Hey kids Ed here with another post asking for advice.
So, I am one who shits quite frequently. As I'm sure do all of you who are consuming mass quantities of protein. When need to shit it is usually quite explosive and I command the respect of any public restroom that I shit in. There have been occasions where a gentleman in the stall next to me will curse loudly and say something like "I can't shit under these conditions" or "holy shit your stall smells like a Mexican's lunch box!" And the person will bypass the soap and hit the door on a dead run.
Naturally as a heavy shitter, I am forced to use public restrooms quite often. Yes, I know this is disgusting but I always build a barrier of toilet paper between my ass and the seat if the bathroom doesn't offer the pre-made ass gaskets in a dispensary on the wall.
My biggest dilemma is the fact that when I shit in a public restroom I am always drawn to the handicap stall. I like the size, I like the convenient coat hangers and I like the fact that it spaces me a little further away from the shitter next to me. I truly hate to hear some strangers ass crackle as they release their own peanut filled demons, so spacing is important to me.
Just yesterday while dropping a respectable heater, I opened a stall to find a gentleman in a wheel chair waiting for the stall that I happen to be using. This made me feel bad because the stall really wasn't crated for selfish shittatours like myself.
Is this something that I need to stop doing? Do I stop being inconsiderate in the shitter or can in still keep my anything goes attitude when it comes to a public shitter?
When shitting, I don't hold back my emotion, I am vocal, and yes, if the public restroom has three stalls and you decide to take the one next to me instead of leaving a one stall buffer I will reach my hand under the stall and say: "hold my hand and count with me, I'm dilated to a four!"
I'm sick like this. Please help me brothers. Do I need help? Or are my actions perfectly acceptable?
All my love, no homo
Ed.
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You ass parked in a handi-space bro. You should have been ticketed $200
Hey bro don't hAte the player, hate the game. We are all on equal ground when dropping the stink pickles.
You are a vile human being! Just flat out spit in the face of the eurocentric school of thought on etiquette. I love you! ;-D
Lol. Don't be pulling out the big words on me now. You know they confuse me.
Love you too, no homo.
I travel for my job so public restrooms and I are not strangers. When I have to go (especially when I know it's going to be an assplosion of great magnitude) I prefer my privacy. First I target the family restroom because they're big and have a lock. These are the ultimate drop off point. Next is know where the singles are such as Speedway gas stations. There are big, usually clean, and have a lock. If someone's in there I go in the females restroom. For some odd reason their restrooms tend to be nastier. Head scratcher right! I know...... I try to avoid stalls for my fear of gay limbo dancers. I just know that one day I'm gonna be in a stall dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl and a gay limbo dancer is going to dance right under my stall and rape me. This being said I will use the handicap stall for this gives the extra room to wipe, pull my pants up, and defend myself. Or attempt an escape..... THEY FREAK ME OUT!
This may sound funny, but when i travel I have always had good luck with Arby's restrooms. (I'm sorry for breaking the rules with a little source dropping) Nearly all have pre-manufactured ass gaskets, they are generally clean, and most of the time they are singles.
Oh yeah, afterward you can get a big Montana sandwich, throw away the bun and have a nice chunk of roast beed to fill the old shitter up on the next stop.
The worst are ports pots. If I have to use 1 I'll pick the 1 that has been used over a just cleaned 1 every time. The reason is if you go for the unused one and have a major deposit. You end up splashing blue water all over your as ass and junk.... Lol
Nothing worse than a the blue slash on the ass. I will generally unroll about a half roll of t.p. into the blue to cause a splash buffer.
Good idea! Who said you can't learn in the off topic...... Honestly though I figured you'd throw a dead hooker down there as your buffer.
I've tried thAt but I've ways felt bad for the guys that have to pump that shit out. I've heard hooker arms and legs clog the pumps.
my mate wipes his ass and smears shit on the wall everytime he uses public toilets ..... he writes tm.... wich stands for trade mark.. yous would be good shit buddies you sick puppies lmfao.....tm
Damn bro, your mate might be a little to advanced for me. The furthest I ever went was about 20 years ago in high school when I shit in an opposing teammates football helmet before a game.
I still feel guilty about that one.
Lold at the ass crackle comment. Hilarious. I myself am a regular shitter, everyday after breakfast, around 2pm, and in the evening just for safe measures. Sorry you have to use public restrooms though, I'm picturing some dingy mall bathroom. But I think a man of your status can use any stall he pleases.
AnonDisappointed. lots of instances in which you could have compared monster666's Mom in here, Ed.
Lol, now that you mention this, I'm dissapointed with myself.
56tooBro I was eating when I read this and nearly choked to death from laughing. Just make sure you don't do a foot shuffle underneath the stall , you'll get more than turd lol
I learned about the foot shuffle the hard way brother. That's a lesson a fella only needs to learn once.
bigwillyJust out of brotherly concern e d ill need to make sure that as a alpha shiter in a public restroom you do not curtosy flush!! The public must smell you. It is shiter code and ill need to know that your up holding this code.
Brother, not only do I refrain from courtesy flushing, I refrain from flushing in general. But only in public restroom. I'm not a selfish man, I feel that it is my civic duty to share my doodie.
bigwillyI comend you sir and and strive to follow you into the future. FyI. I spoke to the master shiters council and they asure me that you will be receiving your ( full of shit ) merit badge shortly. Lol
RustyhookerBad part about public bathrooms is you can't "upper Decker"
This may sound strange, but I do t believe that I'm familiar with the term "upper decker". Could you give more detail on the subject? There is no way in hell that I am going to google that :). So help a brother out.
Baaahhahah. The ass crackling made me bust out laughing because that is so true. I fucking hate that. As sick as it sounds I get visuals of that and makes me want to puke.
There are times I've literally gagged out of disgust of what i was hearing. Other times I've just laughed out loud..
I hate public shitting!
You're a fucking riot Ed
Yes, the ass crackling to me is horribly repulsive. It's even worse when the shit smell from the other stall breeches your stall. Combine the two and surfing Eroids on the shitter just became less enjoyable.
This made my day lol. I had leg day yesterday and was a good one. I tried the hovercraft method just to see if it was possible and it definitely is not. Legs were on fire and I just collapsed. So in conclusion always use protection after leg days IMHO.
I'm a firm believer that after a leg day, if you are able to shit via the hovercraft method...that leg day wasn't as intense and it should have been.
Ur fucking hilarious bro.. I would feel bad as well as I always go to handicap stalls myself I would just consider it bad luck that day and keep doing what ur doing!
Thanks for the support brother. We all need it sometimes.
I also have a penchant for the handicap stalls as well. A man needs to be comfortable and the regular stalls are small and just inhumane. I have never had the misfortune to of had a real handicap person waiting for the stall I was using. I'm sure the shame was great. Will this stop you or me from using the stall again. Unfortunately for the handicap community, I say no. I say this not to be callous or uncaring, but just realizing that the odds are in our favor. In all my years of public restroom use, I think I can remember only once seeing a handicap stall being used by a person of need. I say play the odds and keep a small level of civility in your public restroom sequester.
Best of luck.
No homo
vhman
Thank you my friend, this does comfort my troubled soul on the matter. And really when you think about the countless number of times I've been on the shitter for such long stretches (I once watched The Lord of the rings trilogy at work throughout a month of shitting) and this is the first Time I've ever inconvenienced a handicap brother. Yes the odds do weigh greatly in my favor.
"I truly hate to hear some strangers ass crackle as they release their own peanut filled demons"
Probably the funniest thing I have ever read. I am still laughing at this pure poetry. You have a gift.
Thanks brotha.
Rustyhooker"dilated to four" got coffee thru nose! Lmao!
RustyhookerMy lady bout shit herself reading this! Hahaha! If your mid snort n grunt, the hand under the wall asking for extra paper is proper technique.
Lol. Once your hand breeches the stall next to you there is no turning back. You have to be bold and committed or bad things just might happen. It's definitely not a technique for the timid.
Ah, I counter your toilet paper barrier technique with the hovercraft. Granted it can be a risky game, as a slight loss of balance can result in skin to pan but it does have hidden benefits and is far more economical. Give it a whirl next time you find yourself caught deep behind enemy lines ;)
Yeah, the hovercraft has never really worked for me, I have to be relaxed and in a state of meditation before I can get the proper bowel extraction. Besides after a good leg day that shit is impossible.
lol, what type shoes you wear so the next time I'm in the bathroom I don't line up next to you, haha
Cowboy boots of course.
Lmfao!! That's good stuff, I must confess that I prefer the handicapped stall if I must you the public shit house as well
This makes me feel better. I hate to be inconsiderate but really does proper etiquette require considerations in a place that people piss and shit?
I feel like it's fine
I mean really, if it wasn't I would think one could get fined or ticketed for it right?
I stabbed a dude in front of a cop once in a bathroom and the cop was like: " it's cool man, just don't be doin' that shit outside of the restroom."
Well damn... That must have been one badass bathroom lol
Lol.