Relapse = Bad for gains.
Two years soboety down the toilet.
I fucked up this past weekend. It all started when I took a couple tramadols for back pain. I figured it was benign enough. Few weeks later I was taking them daily. And this past weekend I fell off completely. It's amazing how much damage I can cause in a few hours
The fall has been terrible. My wife wants me to leave, or get help, or both. She doesn't trust me around my son at all. There is no closeness between us at all. Which doesn't help in my needy ass vulnerable state of mind. Nothing worse than feeling like a little bitch.
As far as lifting goes. I couldn't eat for at least 4 days, zero. And almost no water. I lost 18 lbs. Any idea how long it takes me to gain 18 lbs, gone in 4 days?! Now my wife wants me to quit using gear because she feels it's a part of the whole problem. She's probably right.
The biggest problem is that my wife wasn't even mad. She was just profoundly sad, which I don't even know how to deal with. She said she's not doing me any favors by staying with her.
So here I am. I was feeling on top of the world last week this time, and now....
I have no desire to eat or lift or do much of anything. Work today was hell. I can't believe I made it through 10 hrs. That Rocky slogan about "not how hard you can hit its about how hard you can be hit and still stand up" .. Got me through today.
So I figured I'd mention it, because I know there are lots of addicts here and maybe my pain can help some of you out. No matter how good you may feel, destruction is always around the corner.
Thanks for reading.
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BigBmajIt's been a week since... I'm back in the gym and I'm feeling pretty good. But if one more friendly fuck wad in the gym asks what I'm doing to get so lean, I'm going to bash their face in. Don't people know not to ask that shit? Looks like ill be buying some long sleve shirts to lift in for the next couple weeks.
BigBmajIt's great to see that I have a special advertisement for "alcohol treatment" special from our friends at google. Makes me feel so much more comfortable knowing that I have a bigger audience.
waltrgoogle sees everything, remember that
big brother is watching
on a serious note, you got a sponsor?
it's good to have somebody that'll hold you accountable, which a good sponsor will do, a lot of the ones i've had in the past were flakes though and didn't really give a shit about me
if it wasnt for a great sponsor I would be dead or in the penitentiary by now. Bigbmaj have an open mind and just let things happen. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.
BigBmajHey man thanks for that. I'm going to hit a meeting tomorrow. Really having a shit time right now. Got a therapist scheduled for next week as well.
Hopefully something can knock me out of this funk.
I'm just glad to see you're making an effort to get out of your funk! Hang in there bro
BigBmajI don't currently have one. I have a bunch of people in the program to talk to and I have been. But I'm reluctant to jump in with both feet. I've had a mixed pass with SA, NA, AA, all A's actually.
I'm just getting some funds together so I can start seeing my therapist again. He's great but I'm broke and my insurance is a joke so I stopped seeing him awhile back.
My brother wants me to go to a meeting with him tomorrow to reintroduce me to some people so we will see.
Churches often have non denominational therapists that are inexpensive. (A way for them to give back to the community) You don't need to be a member of a church, or even religious for that matter to use the services... (Kind of how many AA meetings are held in churches). That might be an option for you if money is tight.
BigBmajThanks for that piece of advice. Ill look into it.
I know what you mean. After my knee surgery I got worse on oxys and just about any and all opiates. It was almost the downfall to me. Caused a terror on my family. I totaled 3 of my cars 2 of my moms and 2 rentals and a dozen or so other wrecks all front end and one head on when I went into severe withdrawals from mixing the wrong meds. But found a methadone clinic 2years ago and it saved my life. Now almost done there. This is 1st time I've shared that out loud or written out. Felt good
Thanks your read helped
BigBmajGlad you came out with it.
I almost didn't say anything here, because I feel like all I do is bitch about shit, and I do have support on the outside. But I know there a lots of addicts here and if i had read this last friday I may have caught myself - probably not but maybe.
Seeing that it helped you out a bit makes me feel like it was a good choice. And everyone was super cool and supportive around here.
I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around this whole getting "totally" clean thing. Casting out the juice as well.
We will see.
Good luck to you.
Thanks buddy. It's was a long hard battle to decide that I didn't need anymore but glad my friend finally got me to the clinic. Only reason I went was that I was out of meds and hated the withdrawal.
I started a few years before injury recreational and a little addicted but after injury full blown addict.
The vlinic changed my life I didn't realize how bad I really was until I was clean.
Good luck to you as well
BigBmajYeah man good luck. I did the clinic thing for a long time. It did stabilize me somewhat but I was way overdosed, my fault. I think I slept for like 4 years or so.
It will really be nice when you are off completely. Its hard too. I suggest naloxone, wish I had some now sort of a nice security blanket for questionable times.
Can't wait to be off also. Been working myself down and it's taking a while but would rather it be done the right way so hopefully not ever withdraw and get back using.
BigBmajOh yeah don't go fast. I got overly ambitious at one point, oh wait... I got kicked out of the clinic at one point. I had to go from 150 mg to zero that day. The doctor I went to see gave me hydomorphone, some absurd amount, to get me through the weekend until I could transition to Suboxone. It was a brutal transition I had to work the whole time I just wanted to crawl into a hole.
Heroin withdrawl is a walk in the park compared to methadone and suboxone. I could have been sick for 10 days from a serious dope habit, but month + from pharma narcotics. That shit is no joke.
Good luck and take forever you will be happy you did.
I haven't missed a day since I started 1.5 yrs ago scared to.
Once had methadone in system and ran out and found a few suboxone and took those thinking it would help but thats what threw me into severe withdrawals. I was driving home and ended up swerving over in oncoming traffic and hitting car head on. Totalled 2nd of my mom's cars that time. It was no joke.
I am down to 60 now. Down 5 evert 2 wks
dredayWe are here for u bro ill get through this
BigBmajThanks bro. It did help talking to everyone here. I bounced back quick. Wow that shit sucked. I've just got to do a ton of work with the family. It probably needed to happen. I was pretty oblivious to a lot that was going on.
BigBmajI went to the gym today. And heading to a meeting now. I feel amazingly better.
Now the work begins.
That's great man. Put all that negative shit behind you and leave it there
BigBmajThank you everyone for all the support. I'm feeling a little better today. Maybe ill even hit the gym.
DO hit the gym, a meeting like waltr said might be an idea bro.
BigBmajI agree about both. Haven't been to a meeting in forever. It will be good to see all those people again.
Having a really hard time wanting to put down the juice tho. Why is it so difficult? Must have placed all my value in how I look.
waltrhit a meeting dude..
BigBmajDo you go?
i got this feelin to creep on you today now i know why.....all i can publicly say is im sorry for you and yr family... yr a scorpio and there is no other sign that is more capable of resurrecting itself....so its time to dig deep and face ALL yr demons so that you can defeat them once and for all.....no excuses!
you've got to be like the Phoenix rising outta the ashes...but first, you're gonna need to be the ashes....
BigBmajIt sucks feeling like a pile of asses. I could tell something was going to happen. Now that I look back it's pretty obvious. Time to stand up and rebuild.
Thanks.
Sorry to hear that.
Put this behind you, get back to recovery AND ask your wife if she will go to marriage counseling with you.
It's obvious that she is hurting and needs to express herself in a safe environment.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Weatherwed"AND ask your wife if she will go to marriage counseling with you."
This is great advice- specially if its at crisis levels.
Good advice Greg
AnonFeel ya bruv..lifes many ups and downs,stay as positive as you can and project your mind to the up swing of this and before you know it -you will be there!
AnonOh my friend I am very sorry. anytime you need an ear to bend
waltrdude hit up a meeting.
and keep going to them...
recovery isn't something that you reach one day and it's over, it's a daily process we addicts have to go through. I've been where your at and I fight with my addictions every day, just don't let them win today and keep repeating that every single day.
no more tramadols, no more pain pills of any kind.
seriously, go to a meeting and talk about it, find people who have the same problem you can talk to face to face, they'll understand...I used to live in south florida and some of the meetings i went to even had guys on gear there, you might be surprised what you find.
just go, like today.
BigBmajI got semi "sober" at one point in south florida, Boca Raton. Back in the days when the family wanted to spend $40,000 to get me all sane for a few months.
I choose that over Minnesota because I figured the weather would be nicer incase I had to run. But I didn't have to run I got thrown out. I remember being in detox thinking "wow this is great I was all strung out on dope and now I'm going to go do yoga on the beach in south florida, cool" Sure beats kicking in jail.
But here I am however many years later still making the same mistakes. Its amazing how things don't ever seem to compute properly in my head. It hasn't been just one really fun night in over 20 years. But I must still cling to that hope.
I'm rambling because its helping me right now. Its friday and I'm itching a tad. Probably need to call someone.
Thanks.
Feel for you bro. I fuked up over Xmas time till February. It's amazing fast it happens, and the rapid weight loss. It kills the spirit for a while.
I hope it's a quick thing and you get back to your old self, seriously I wish you the best of luck.
BigBmajHow are you feeling these days? That was 5 months ago? I saw somewhere you were taking methadone - maybe that wasn't you? Just recently off?
I was on 170 mg for 4 years then 32 mg suboxone for 2 more. The detox was almost more than I could handle. I didn't sleep for 15 days aside from just a few minutes here and there. Holy shit that was bad.
Dammit man.. I hate to hear this. I don't know what to say other than hang in there and try to do the best you can to keep it together
BigBmajThanks man. Ill pull it together.
So did you slip up with tramadols..or did you end up hanging out with charlie brown? Dont go back down that road brother. You came to far!
BigBmajWent and saw Charles himself. Along with a couple of his evil white sister. The shit was full blown. Don't know how I survived now that I look back at it.
Ive been there brother. Those demons are working out harder than we are.. just waiting for our moment of weakness. Its always when we are on top and feeling invincible that we fall. Just humble yourself, brush yourself off and get back at it. Oh ..and delete the phone numbers and people that are connected to that life. Its a must.. Ive had to sever ties with many people over the years that were bad influences. It aint all rainbows and butterflies! Your smart, ive read your posts. You know what to do!
Try this....Be the next guy who makes a video who inspires other people. Don't watch the other people doing it or some guy from a movie who is addicted to pills and AAS and cosmetic surgery. I had some demons before they SUCK.... But when the family leaves bud they are GONE! put that shit in your rear view mirror and seperate yourself from anything or anyone who is know to be a inabler....
BigBmajYup. It's really hard to want to drop the gear tho. I couldn't believe I was arguing with my wife about "ill quit everything but the gear"
I agree with you 100% bud on the hormones. But I also understand about "other" things that can call your name like the devil. I lost my family and it was QUICK and the pain is stronger than any craving you will ever know! So beat your inner voice and just keep yourself busy and away from destruction.
valhallas bestDam homie! you better grab your nuts and get it together, shit son
WeatherwedIve been exactly where you are on more than a few occasions. Mine weren't drug related- but Ive knocked over the sky scraper of trust i spent years building back up.
ALL you can do is push forward. You can and will get it back- but you're going to have to deal with being treated just like you were at your lowest bottom.
2 years is amazing- Some may think 2 years and one slip up props... But the users family thinks.. holy shit we had 2 years of stability and he can still come undone. So really 2 years isnt stable at all. So in reality the longer you're sober to more you gain and the more you have to lose.
DO NOT let this be your excuse to give in to your demons. Get to the gym- find your inner Rocky moment and fight.
BigBmajThat's the problem. Dealing with everyone who thinks I'm back to square one. I don't feel like it was all lost. It's also hard to be honest with people now because I don't want them to worry.
WeatherwedJust focus on their feelings not their words. You know your truth- at the same time they are entitled to express their feelings.
Also remember all our problems seem worse at night- try to stay busy tonight and crash early.