As most of you know, I am the originator of the term "no homo". I Am the chAirman of board of directors for the No Homo national alliance for the protection of heterosexuality (NoHAFP-oh) and I try to champion the cause of no homo in every thing that I do.
This in itself can be a problem at times because unfortunately not everyone appreciates a well placed "no homo".
"That's bullshit Ed, everyone loves a well placed no homo!"
No kids, not everyone. Let me tell you of an experience.
So about a month ago I decided that I needed a new suit. I am of the belief that it's important at times to look especially good and professional in an incredibly nice suit, so I have my secretary make an appointment with my Tailor to get my measurements and start on a new suit.
So they take my measurements and cut a new suit. This particular group of tailors will take your measurements and cut a suit from the materials you select and then will have you back for a minimum of three fittings. They take pride in the fit and look of their suits and they really do a good job. However, on my during my second fitting I damn near blew the whole deal with a perfectly placed no homo. Let me explain.
So my tailor, an older Italian gentleman, is scrutinizing the fit of my suit, a pull here, a tug there a tuck here a tuck there, it's kind of a pain in the ass with these guys but the finished product is worth it.
At any rate, during this fitting, the old Italian gent starts to work over my pants and as he gets to the crotch area, no shit, with two fingers he slides my Johnson to the left about an inch as he talks to himself about the fit. This makes me terribly uncomfortable and I tried my best to contain it but immediately under my breath I blurt out "nooo homo."
It wasn't an loud obnoxious no homo, it was a no homo that carries its own quiet dignity. A quiet dignity that seemed appropriate for the situation. The tailor stops, looks up and says: "vat did you say sir?" I blow it off and say: "oh nothing." He gets serious and says:"tell me vat you say please." The old bastard is serious as cancer. So hoping he will appreciate it I look down and say:"oh, I just said no homo. It's just something I say sometimes."
Holy shit kids you would have thought that I had just pissed on the pope mobile at the Vatican. This old bastard gives me this look that makes even me, a man with absolutely no conscience feel guilty. And he says:"I'm not amused" and walks away.
A couple of minutes later he comes back and silently finishes the fitting.
I didn't say a word and he didn't say a word. Instead of building bridges of friendship with the proper placent of a good no homo, I pretty much can guarantee that this gentleman will never cut me a suit again. My only saving grace is his pride was strong enough that there was no way he wasn't going to fit that suit perfectly.
So kids, a lesson learned. No homo, even with proper placement can be a curse at times. So choose your placement wisely because though it can be a powerful tool of good, there can also be a pretty damn curse that comes along as a bonus.
Just something to think about my young no homo applicators.
I'm sorry for the serious post. It's not how I like to start a Thursday.
All my love, no homo
Ed
P.S.
In my defense, the dude did touch my weiner and that shit ain't right, I don't regret the no homo, and I will never take it back, I just think ill think the situation out a little better next time.