A buddy and me were waiting for a bus to the mall in the middle of July when I was 24. Some little middle aged bald guy pulls up and say you guys looking for work. We were bad kids. We say fuck it yeah. We thought it was some real dark shit. He says you guys thirsty so we say sure. He stops at BK when they had the king size drinks. We downed two huge pink lemonades and we said Jeff we have to piss. He said just piss in the cups so we did. He pulls over and downs both cups of piss and loved every drop. But he did say we had the best tasting piss he ever had so at least that was nice of him. So after that he said you guys want some beer so he got us a 6 of Sam Adam’s Cherry Wheat and went to a park but we wouldn’t let him sit by us. So again we had to pee so he drove us to Taco Bell and he got naked and laid under the urinals and we doused him with Cherry Wheat and as we were doing this some old man walked in with a little kid and saw it all. We had to run out as his fat hairy body is dripping with urine. He was driving with a towel around his neck. Hahahahah we broke up with him after that. I have many fucked up true stories.

This was years ago, I was at work telling the guys about a woman I met at a bar, she was a little homely, but it was getting late and she was obviously into me. We go back to her place and have great sex, definitely no complaints there. But unbeknownst to me, she had alopecia, I discovered this when she started adjusting her wig which I had thought was just a bad haircut. So she explains to me her condition, and I said no worries, I have a couple friends with the same affliction. Bad move. She took this as an ok to remove the wig and give me a blowjob. Ever get a blowjob and look down at a completely bald head? It’s just not cool man. So I’m telling the guys this, and how she did this thing where she sucked my balls way too hard, from the next room over we hear the nastiest janitor you’ve ever met, toothless, kinda looked like Benny Hill, yell “That’s Darlene!”. Yes, it was indeed Darlene. I felt an immediate need for antibiotics. He knew her well, and asked me if the took out the wig box full of dildos. Worst part is, the following week I went back to her apartment to see if she was there. She was. More bald head. Didn’t even feel the need to wig up for me.

My friend, his parents and I all went out to eat for his Dad's birthday a few months ago and me and my friend finished our food early, so his mom gave us 10 dollars and a milk coupon to run to Meijer to pick up a shower mirror and a gallon of milk.

This Meijer was unfamiliar to us so we ended up wandering for a while to find our stuff, and my friend tells me he has to shit so he ran off to find a bathroom while I finished looking for the stuff we needed.

10 minutes had passed and I was standing near the self checkout waiting for him to show up when finally he walks up from behind me, and I noticed he seemed a bit nervous.

The first thing he says is "Hey so we're bros right?"

I responded "Yeah, I guess so. Why?"

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I shit myself dude."

At first I thought it was a joke, but then he pulled his hand from his pocket revealing a shit covered $10 bill, coupon, and palm.

He says "Dude I couldn't find the bathroom and it just slipped out."

When I asked what he did with the shit he looked around to make sure nobody else was listening and said "I threw it on the shelf and ran."

This was the icing on the cake to my hysterical laugher dead center in Meijer. He left to go clean up while I delicately handled the non-shit covered side of the money and we left to find his parents waiting outside, pretty pissed off that we were so late. When we came up short on change his mom asked why we didn't use the coupon. He pulled it slightly out of his pocket and said "Uh, I don't know exactly how to tell you this..but.."

Before he could finish she interrupted with an angry "You lost the coupon didn't you. This is why I can't trust you to do things for me."

He slid the poo slathered coupon back to his pocket and muttered "Uhh, yeah. I lost it." with relief. I couldn't contain my giggling the whole way home.

He was actually terrified he'd end up on the news or something.

Man I have done/seen a lot of crazy and funny shit.

One time me and my brother go hiking in the woods. We were teens at the time. Anyway after about an hour in my brother goes I have to take a shit. I'm like fuck man go behind those trees. So I'm chilling waiting and I hear him yell fuck, mother fucker. Just yelling so I get closer and ask him what happened. He's like I got shit all over me. Confused, I'm like what? He comes out and he has shit all over the back of his shirt, shorts and shoes. I'm dying laughing He's like it's not fucking funny. How the fuck did you get shit all over? I ask. He's getting more mad and telling me to shut the fuck up. I'm just laughing like what the fuck, how? He's like man my stomach was grumbling and I started to shit. He wasn't expecting it to be diarrhea. First it got on his shoes. So he tried taking off his shorts. Then he fell backwards landed in his shit and some mud. The fall somehow made him shit more he just gets it all over. As he's telling me this I'm just crying laughing. I'm just like sorry you're having a shitty day. I see he's mad as fuck. He's telling me to shut up it's not funny. I'm like it is though. Luckily he brought extra clothes but he goes to a stream ad hops in. Cleans himself up throws his shitty clothes in some tall grass and I'm laughing still because I couldn't understand how he got it everywhere. He's like when we get back don't tell anyone. I told him you're good bro I wont. So we get back and the first thing I do is tell my parents. My dad is just cracking up. Our other siblings are laughing. Our mom was trying to be nice but she couldn't hold back laughing. I said it was too funy not to tell them. We never let him forget lol.oh je was so mad when I told everyone.