As some of you may know, I've been in a pretty abusive relationship now for about 6 months. My girl friend quite fat, 6'-8" and is a heavy tren and cheque drops user. She is very violent, rude, and nasty. However, she has a 1974 5th wheel trailer home that she lets me crash at and a 1999 S-10 pickup truck that she sometimes lets me drive to my job as lead sour cream gun operator at Taco Bell. Sure, most of the time I'm driving my old school 10 speed bike to work, but on occasion if I clean up the pimples that she pops from her face all over the mirror in the bathroom, and I clean her piss off the toilet seat, she'll let me take the S-10. Yes, she beats me nearly every day, but I figure that comes out in the wash given the sweet ass S-10 benefits. The only shitty part is the fact that the S-10 is a faded pink and smells like rancid Camel Cigarettes. Oh, and her cassette deck has a 2-Live Crew single stuck in it. At first it was badass but one can only listen to "Bitch with a Dick" for so long before he goes crazy.
As some of you may know, recently I did hard time in the county jail. This was hard time because my girl friend told me that she was going to nail every dude she meets as payback for my abandonment.
As my time in the clink ended I walked from the jail to the parking lot only to see the s-10 waiting in the for me. Part of me was happy that she was there for me, the other part was saddened that I didn't escape this damaging relationship. As I opened the pick passenger side door, the rancid smell of Camel cigarettes met me about as quick as her large hairy knuckles met my nutsack. "CUP CHECK" She yells followed by her low voice telling me "welcome home bitch".
I didn't say much because I knew I was in the dog-house. The truck was nearly silent except for "Bitch with a dick" playing in the background.
As we arrived at her trailer, she all of a sudden turned sweet on me. Which sucks ass because I know she is only acting sweet because she has something planned to hurt me.
She tells me she has plans for us as we walk into the trailer. Tells me to take a seat on the couch and goes in the kitchen to make nachos.
After she finished making the Nachos, she walks by me and hits me in the nuts again and says: "Cup check" and laughs. (I hate that damn joke.)
So she tells me that we are going to have movie night. I'm thinking shit. I hate movie night. She either makes me watch gay dude porn or "hope floats", I'm not sure what is worse.
However this night was different. She popped in a videotape, rewinds it while I'm eating nachos that she consequently hocked a loogey on) only to find out its a sex tape starring her and the old hairy dude Wendell that lives next door. I started to stand up and walk out and she yells "SIT DOWN BITCH!" so I do to avoid getting my ass kicked, and enjoy 45 minutes of absolute disgustingness. The only highlight was the part about 32 minutes into it where she punched Wendell in the nuts and said "Cup Check". I thought that was pretty funny.

All my love, No homo
Ed