I have lived a a life of inner battle. I have always been an athlete, and at the same time an addict... I've binged on a fifth of scotch in the evening only to wake up at 4 in the morning to run 12 miles and swear booze off forever. Repeatedly...day after day, month after month, for years. I didn't always finish the fifth, I didn't always run a dozen miles, but the constant was my drinking, I always wanted to quit and I ALWAYS ended up drinking.

I started drinking at a really young age. My dad thought it was funny to give whiskey to a 5 year old, and from the start I loved the fuzzy feeling it gave me. I mostly smoked weed in high school and didn't become an expert at drinking until I joined the army. I easily drank a 12 pack a day, but I always ran with the fast group in PT the next day and could always out run a hang over. By the end of my first marriage I was up to nearly a fifth of vodka a day. I also smoked a pack a day, had quit exercising entirely and was completely miserable. I woke up in the ER one late morning after a binge with alcohol poisoning. Fat, unmotivated and ready to just "go away forever". It was time for a change.

I started running again in 2002, I was 6'2", 240#s with a 38 inch waist, I was 29 years old. I went for an easy 3 mile run, but couldn't even make it around the block! Within a month of that first run I had told my wife I wanted a divorce (that is a whole other story), had quit smoking, quit drinking and signed up for a marathon with only 5 months to train. Life was getting good again, I never did start smoking again (it's been 12 years now) running had saved my life for the time being. I was running 35-50 miles a week, competing several times a year, I remarried in 2007, have and we have 2 wonderful kids, but.... The alcohol was always there... I still binged, I hid it from wife when I could, and other times it was obvious. In my late thirties it became a lot more difficult to outrun my hangovers.

In 2010 I had to give up running do to an overuse injury in my left lower leg. I went to 2 surgeons, Pt, massage and nothing helped. No running and now the monkey was really on my back. I started drinking around noon, I'ld pick my kids up from daycare drunk. My neighbor would watch my kids play in the street while I was passed out in the bed of my pick up. I was an asshole, and a drunk.

I had started lifting in the gym at he end of 2009 since I knew my running days may be coming to an end. I had lifted in high school and in the army, so I knew the basics. I put on muscle fast, I went from 177 #s of running weight to 200 and mostly solid. I started AA and gave up on booze, again. AA works, it's a good program, but I kinda hate it.

Anyway, this is an AAS forum, so I'll jump to the present. I started TRT therapy about 2 1/2 years ago. It was been a real blessing for me. It's helped me stay fit in the gym, keep off extra weight and really squashed my depression. TRT is expensive though, and my insurance doesn't cover it. I found Eroids ands decided to start doing my own TRT never looked back. One thing I noticed with TRT was that my alcohol cravings had begun to diminish. I used to be able to quit for about a week and than the cravings would begin, but now I really don't get cravings that often and when I do I can overcome them much easier.

After 4 1/2 years in the gym and a couple years on TRT, I decided I would do a beginner cycle of cyp 500 a week for 12 weeks and anaver 100 for the last 5 weeks. I have had a couple slips with the booze while on cycle, but not like the old slips. Instead of full glasses of scotch, I've had a couple beers. I even drank half a beer and poured the rest out, which has never happened before. I am surprised that AAS has done this with my cravings. I'm eating so much better, my body looks great and I am happy. While nothing lasts forever, I will enjoy this peaceful time in my life.

Thank you for letting me ramble...