+ 2 Sobriety and Steroid Use.
I just recently got sober for the millionth time in my life. I've been going through so much shit I picked up some opiates to help me along for the last couple of months. I got strung out and needed to medically detox. It was a nightmare as expected. I hate airing all my personal information for fear of how it looks. But I'm past trying to impress or mislead people.
My life is pretty fucked up at this point. I'm beyond the point of denial and I've seen the real me, it's scary as hell. Being self aware without my chemical comfort is really an edgy existence.
But I need the gym. And I hate training just for the sake of health, mental or physical. I always want to get bigger or better than everyone. It's a pathetic attempt for self validation. But that is beside the point because I will go totally nuts without training.
What are people's experience with gear and sobriety. Can I mentally handle a bulk right now? At this point I can't even pretend to know that answer.
I'm inclined to think that I should just focus on mental health and use the gym as a coping mechanism. But I could also use the gym to an extent that could get my mind off of everything.
What are people's experience with new sobriety and juice? I'm feeling like I can't live with or without it. But hormonal flux could potentially add to the mess. So I'm lost here people.
Thanks again for reading my whatever this thing is. Typical bmaj fucking bullshit.
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I've never been into opiates I was a speed freak. Started with coke, crack then bathtub crank real crank meth then ice. Was in love with ice used more than I am willing to admit here every day. I'm 6'2 and when I hit the bottom I weighed 165 168. Exercise lifting has been the only thing that helped me to get away permanently. I've been clean for almost 10 years now. Now my exercise has come and gone but it's the only thing that has kept me from going back. I look better now at 36 than I did at 21. Most days I feel better although time and age is creeping up on me.
BigBmajWho else knows what it feels like to piss off the whole fucking world?
It seems like there is nothing worse than building up people's hope and constantly dashing it. To take even the most tolerant human being on a terrible ride and just watch their hope be faded time and time again.
Even getting well. Or especially getting well. It's the building of relationships and hope that seems selfish at this point. It is absolutely amazing to me that I could go about living without factoring in even one single human being.
It's not even a matter of doing well at this point that I see as the problem. Of coarse it's easy to do well when I'm one use away from living in a snow bank. This shit is just fucked up.
Sucks.man I feel for uou I got clean put on fifty pounds looked great then ended up in the hospital and once I got that iv morphine it all came back got out and was doing iv dope Nd cocaine like crazy been in the gyn on and off clean and fucked up just got my head on straight. I'm only gonna tu. Testosterone no tren nandro or Anything until I am comfortable. I wanna ease ny way back in I guess.
I just got on Subs for the 3rd time. Everything was going good and I still fucked up. I was off to the races after 1 use, like usual. The last time I was working out on a set schedule and I did a cycle. I felt great, my post withdrawal symptoms were almost nonexistent and things in my life were going good. I guess after I graduated from my 6 month long certification program I tricked myself. I somehow thought it would be ok to reward myself, so I used. Then shit went down hill from there. Now im slowly getting thing right in my life, fixing my finances and dealing with the legal stuff.
BigBmajSorry to hear you are having a hard time. It's amazing now many lifters are opiophiles. Well it makes sense, chasing all those endorphins all over the planet. Be it in the gym or on the street.
The reason I stayed off of suboxone is because mentally it makes it so much easier to do dope. I can use and not feel the consequences of withdrawl. So I'll use the subs as a back up plan and still resume everything else. That and the fact that I feel like they perpetuate that cycle in the brain - take this and feel better.
I don't have a problem with suboxone because I think it really helped me at various points in my life. But at this point I have to avoid it.
Good luck with everything bro.
GearofWarAs an aside, I'm on subox, a long-time junk user and I'm on TRT as well because of opiate addiction. Opiates destroyed my body's natural ability to produce sufficient amounts of testosterone. TRT turned my life around, as did the Bupe but now the Bupe needs to go. I blast while on subox, and have never cycled while not on some opiate of some type. So I'm curious to know how much better the gear would work and how much more progress could be made of I were to ever get 100% clean and run a cycle. Right now I'm blasting with a Prop kicker, Test-E @250 EW, Eq, and Tren at 400mg EW. I couldn't tell you what cycling feels like while not on opiates, but it's a goal and feeling I'm looking forward to attaining sooner than later. Best of luck in all of your future and present endeavors my friend, and here's to hoping we can talk again one day about how good life is without opiates and how happy we are that we kicked that devil right the fuck out of our lives.
BigBmajIt would have been so easy to just jump on the suboxone bandwagon. Almost every fiber of my being wanted it, but some voice said no. I know my life is semi manageable on suboxone but I also need to learn that life can be good without.
Good luck with any attempts to get off. I'll let you know how the gym unfolds without an opiate. The biggest thing I'm finding is that I have no fucking appetite on the daily basis unless food is put right in front of me.
This shit is just so fucking hard.
I can relate to your scenario. For me personally, opiates were my problem as well, and I was gonna start my first cycle but relapsed soon after I made the decision, I gave myself a bit of clean time to get my head right and pick up the pieces before I actually pulled the trigger on aas, and even then was worried about the risks involved ( having needles around, irritability, etc ). If I had to do it all over again, I probably would have waited more, because I was not mentally prepared for pct and luckily I didn't let the best of me. To each his own tho, and good luck with whatever you decide. Feel free to pm me
trt stopped me from drinking entirely. Before I had a bad drinking and smoking pot problem that almost cost me my marriage. 4 months into my trt I quit smoking pot. 2 months later no more drinking. If I could only quit fkn smoking cigs then I'll be straight. Ask yourself whats more important and then spend some time at a homeless shelter volunteering. Whenever I feel the need to get fucked up I volunteer at the nearest shelter or I help serve food at one. That alone should sober your ass up to see rock bottom.
My problem was alcohol. If u think u can relate to that please PM me anytime.
I'm gonna disagree with the masses a little. I was a crazy ass youth. I sold drugs , had a million friends. I partied constantly. I lived off cocaine weed and pizza. This was my early 20's. I got pissed at a friend for sleeping with my girl and I started hitting the gym. I started off with some hate fuel. It wasn't long though and the personal strengths became a priority. I dropped things that started to interfere with my physical goals and I felt great. Weightlifting pulled me out of a horrible place. Push past the plateau and be your personal higher power. Much respect bro.
Holler at me through pm
I wouldnt cycle. You need to get through whatever it is you are going through as you. Addiction sucks. I went through it with opiates. To some degree I deal with it with aas and i suspect you are dealing with that aspect yourself.
Werent you on a long blast? I remember reading something that you were on for a long time. Maybe a lot of what you are going through is hormonal.when was your last labs run? Hormones can bring you down and make a bad situation worse. Maybe you can run a lab just to see where you are.
The gear will always be there but you need to focus on getting your head straight. Remember no matter how bad it seems drugs or booze will only make it easier until they make it worse. Its not worth it.it clouds your mind. Deal with thr pain and grow from it. Dont hide from it
BigBmajWas on a long blast awhile back but I had started TRT dose about 2 months back. I was proud of myself for only taking 200 or so of test a week. Oh that and 8 mg of suboxone on non dope days.
Then everything came crashing down. I wasn't in a horrible bind mentally but I needed to detox and I knew it. But by the time I got divorce papers after days of sweating and puking, I was completely depressed.
actually he said in another forum he now has low test.. that's why I'm not sure if he cruises now or not
BigBmajTest is currently at 1100. Had it tested at the mental hospital detox situation. They actually gave me 100 mg of test to help with depression. They were willing to try almost anything.
So I'm going to keep it here because I feel fairly stable at this point. Whatever the fuck stable means at this point?
I just went to the gym and it was so hard not to feel "big" or want to be "bigger than". The good news is that the 750 push-ups I did everyday got me stronger in some ways. I essentially did a prison workout for 14 days with super high calories but SUPER high anxiety. I didn't gain but didn't loose too much.
I did feel very strong at the gym today and I was happy with that. I just don't like the fuckers who notice my size is down and are happy to mention they notice. But so the fuck what I suppose.
LOL They tried pulling that shit with me since I'm on keto.. I threw hgh in to experiment and I'm actually full for the first time during a keto run.. so that helps a bit.. but yeah it is annoying to have chumps like that waiting for you to shrink.. I'm glad you're feeling better from the test though.. Imo it takes a few months of strict dosing and when your body gets used to that level you'll feel a lot more stable.. fluctuating and low hormones will depress the shit out of any one.. my gf's brother had low t and his anxiety was so bad he could barely speak to me or even make eye contact let alone let alone leave his room and this guy isn't a small wimp I'd actually say he's pretty big.. took him a few months of trt but he's a new man I have to say.. no more stuttering.. he's got a girl now.. complete 180.. I think if someone like that can feel better I have no doubt you will get better in time
Well the fact that you detoxed id say you are expected to feel shitty mentally. I dont know your history but if you were using for a long time it will take a long time to get your brain straight. Look up PAWS. Post accute withdrawal symptoms. Its real. It can last a while and sometimes not.
If you can stay clean and not give in to cravings then grest but if not there is no shame in using suboxone until you are ready. Maintenance dose to keep you stable. The fact that you already detoxed id say keep pushing forward. I was too week to detox.i fucking hated it and went on suboxone for a few years until i was ready to come off. It took a while after but i got it sorted out. You can and will also.
Last but not least...bro fuck everyone else. Who gives a fuck if you are the biggedt or smallest guy in the gym. Who gives a fuck if you are smaller than a day ago or a week ago. You are in this world for you. Live for you and fuck what others think. Haters gonna hate. Let go of that shit and take care of what kakes you feell good. Being bigger to feel bigger than someone is just chasing your tail. ..there will always be someone bigger faster and stronger. As they say...DO YOU
BigBmajYeah. It's easy to look at it all intellectually. But loosing 20 lbs of hard earned size has a certain sting to it. But I can easily get over myself.
I do realize how it looks when I say shit like it's hard to not be bigger than. But I would suppose I'm not the only one in this boat. It's part of a duel dilemma - addiction and validation.
I made it through without needed to stay on suboxone. However I was on for years prior. And methadone prior to that. It's a wonder I would ever take another opiate but I did. I think suboxone withdrawl was much worse than anything I've gone through.
Thanks for pointing out the obvious to me, I needed that bro.
If you already achieved 20 lbs heavier it'll be easier to obtain than the first time.. muscle memory is awesome.
You can't have both.. we all know for certain you can't juggle both.. no one can.. either addiction or validation.. getting strung out or working out which would you rather have? I'm going with validation.. put your energy into that.. something about it you haven't fully achieved that you'd like to and I believe stress and addiction have fucked your journey up in that respect.. buckle down.. tune the bullshit out.. lay out your real goals.. you'll feel much better about yourself when you can finally say "I did it" and actually feel like you put on those 20 or 30 lbs without slipping up.. and falling back into the same circle.. that's what drags all of us down.. repeating bad habits only leads to insanity
BigBmajMan you are full of good advice. Recognizing the pathology for validation and not ignoring it but embracing it to some extent is reality. I'm just not healthy enough to completely rewire my brain at this point.
I just don't need to get carried away with it at this point.
It might sting but what will hurt worse..continuing with thoughts like that or accepting what you feel is exsctly what you said. Self validation. You can find that again just in a healthier form! You are obviousky very self aware and open to change...thats the hard part ...you got this bro.
When there are times you feel you dont...post about it. Thats why we are here.
You said it yourself my man, you need the gym! Something to concentrate on, something to challenge you both mentally and physically, something to make you feel good about yourself so you don't feel the need to use that crap again, give you a goal to work towards! On a side note I wouldn't cycle till you feel you're 100% again so those drugs don't play with your mind more.
From my own point of view I in my teens use to take pretty much any drug on offer, drink all the time and consume rubbish food, discovered weight lifting in my 20's and it changed me completely. Fuck pissing my money up against the wall on lose my hard earnt gains! I lift hard abd heavy, through that it drives my healthy lifestyle and keeps me occupied while 90% of my friends are still doing the same things we did when we were 18.
Also women started to pay more interest which gave me the confidence to go for women I first thought were out of my league. I'm now in a 2 year relationship with a girl who is 10/10 in every department whom drives me even more to succeed in life.
Weights and women (or what ever) my friend, it's all you'll ever need to keep your mind occupied.
BigBmajIt seems like women are another whole problem. I just need to be single and focus on myself, but they seem to try to sneak in. And then I have to go and hurt people's feelings.
Sorry to bring it up. Remember there is always beauty round the corner. All the best mate.
Okay.. I can't remember if you're a cruiser or regular pct... any ways IF you are having a tough time.. when pct hits and you have any underlying addictions say alcohol, painkillers, weed (yes some ppl smoke to damn much), or amphetamines.. the odds of you relapsing are much higher.. Take it from me if you are at a tough point in your life then WAIT.. You're just adding to the list of shit to stress you out and oooooh that list will get shittier when you come off.. give it time when the air clears and you can focus again.. seriously if you're that low right now a cycle will make it worse in the long run
BigBmajSound advice. My biggest preoccupation was needing to distract myself from an almost debilitating anxiety and depression. Just going to the gym "naturalish" is so hard for me. I did it for a long time and I can again.
I get it.. I need to distract myself too and it really does help avoid those thoughts.. I turned the gym into my sanctuary for the most part.. if I can't seem to get myself up I blare loud music maybe watch a few motivational vids and that seems to get me moving to the gym on slower days
i dunno if you have been here or not but
https://www.eroids.com/forum/general/off-topic/the-recovery-lounge....na...
good place to speak your mind with other just like you, and who have expirence with AAS and recovery
I had been sober for about a year. Started a prop mast var cycle. Lasted bout 6 weeks til I was using again. Just a hit or 2 of weed to calm me down. Another month later, opiates and benzos. That was about 2 years ago. The opiates benzos binge only lasted a short while but here I am still smoking bud a couple years later. I don't think I'm a true addict but I have a problem for sure bc I would like to be completely sober yet can't find the "will power" or "self discipline" to quit smoking weed. Anyhow that's just my personal experience, but I would say wait until you KNOW you're ready before you start back on the juice. How badly do u want to be sober? I hate the whole AA/12 steps thing but having a "sponsor" who had been there done that has been very influential on my life. Best of luck brother
BigBmajThat slippery slope is pretty slippery for me. There is no semi using or playing with drugs at this point.
Lucky you if weed is your problem it is by far the easiest to kick. If you stop right now, you are going to be an asshole to be around for about 3 days, tops! After that just stay busy. If you aren't bored you have no inclination to burn. You can go to 12 step if you like but in the opinion of the entire western world you will be wasting time and money. Just quit.
Fuck dude, you recognize there's a problem. That is half the battle.
I've never smoked, and enjoy some bourbon from time to time, but I am talking like a couple shots a week, maybe; but steroid use is something that delivers on the promise, and the more/bigger cycles, the more gains, albeit in declining amounts. That said, I think I would try to get the rest of my life (health, relationships, job, etc) in order before I'd start another cycle.* Keep up the gym, it's an anchor that will keep you grounded.
I think it might also be helpful if you had a trusted friend that you could call when you are in a rough patch...kind of like AA uses. Or even a person or two from your friend list here on eroids.
*not sure if you need trt, but if so, I would maintain that for hormonal balance.
Hope this helps, and I wish you all the best. Please keep us informed as you progress.
+1 for sharing.
BigBmajYeah man I'm actually going to AA tonight.
Agreed and good advice +1