I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time when I actually wasnt the good looking, handsome, wealthy bastard you see before you today, and was just a mere loser like the rest of you. And like most losers, I had needs then too. And one of those needs was sex.
But most nursing homes are going to get suspiscious if you keep coming around looking for that lucky break. And cruising around high school parking lots and Special Olympics events apparently have now been frowned upon by the media, concerned parents and law enforcement. But that doesnt mean your only source of companionship has to come from the adult bookstore. There are some things you can do to make yourself appear (I said appear) more desirable to the opposite sex that doesnt involve a date rape drug, and I'm going to give you a few pointers on how to land an actual real genuine authentic woman.
For those of you who have no trouble getting women...Fuck off.... I never liked you alphas anyway, with your square jaws, fat wallets, cool cars, and large penises. God will take care you later.... I hope. (please Jesus, burn them alive now so I have a better chance). This post is just for us pussyless losers.
Anyway..It all starts with the DATE.
A "date" isnt a court appointment like you're used to thinking... It's a meeting with someone (usually a woman if you're a guy, but if you prefer to date a guy dont worry about feeling self conscious---you can have somebody arrested now if your gay and they make you feel uncomfortable by not bowing down and praising you for being gay).
Most dates involve dinner, so you're going to need money, unless the local soup kitchen is your choice of eating etablishments. But if you're going to go that route, my first-date sex guarantee is void. You want someplace nice and classy, like Dennys or Pizza Hut. And by the way, leave the date rape drugs at home. Any maggot who would stoop to that shit is pure scum, and should have his ass beat down. On the other hand weed, extasy, coke, and alchohol are perfectly fine according to society these days, so you should be fine there.
During the date, you need friends who are willing to help you out and stop by your table and say impressive shit like..."Mr. Anderson, I just want to thank your for your generous donation to the Baby Squirrel Rescue Center. Because of your financial support, we can continue our mission". .. followed by another friend a short time later who stops by and says.... "Mike, the way you saved that baby who fell into the lion cage at the zoo was the most heroic thing I've ever seen in my life. Hows those bite wounds healing?".... and then top it off with a third friend who comes into the restaraunt and brings a trophy to you...."Hey Bro, just wanted to let you know the trophies from the powerlifting meet came in and I just thought I'd bring yours to you. Can't believe you set ANOTHER record in the bench press while off cycle." (you may want to saw off the bowling ball in the little guy's hand and see if you can glue a tiny dumbell to it).
Next, You need to actully order (and pay for) some food. Yeah, I know that part sucks, but if the girl you're trying to bone is homeless, she may not have eaten in days, and that's going to affect her mood as well as her ability to stay conscious during dinner, and here in Florida, unconscious women are off limits---unless you're a gynocologist----they seem to get away with shit all the time.
During dinner, try to appear sensitive....even emotional. Think about something in your childhood that made you sad, like when your mom took your weed...or when you got your ass kicked in third grade by a girl who you thought was making advances toward you. And then use those tears to compliment your plea that all you ever really wanted was just a serious relationship.....that sex doesnt matter to you.
After dinner, complain about how the Lamborghini shop takes forever to get your car fixed while the two of you wait for the bus, and once on the bus, you want to immediately establish yourself as THE alpha male by bumping the elderly passengers as you head toward the back. That will impress the fuck out of her.
Once you arrive at your place, (or the one you share with your parents) it's all easy pickins from there, assuming your neighbors don't ask how your wife is doing while in the hospital, or the cops are waiting with an outstanding warrant. Make sure you arent watching something stupid on TV, like PBS or National Geographic. Reality TV is where it's at. If Lizard Lick Towing or Storage Wars doesnt get her in the mood, nothing will...and you're just going to have to accept the fact that it just wasnt meant to be. Nobody is successful 100%. If nothing else, try to impress her with how much you can pin at one time----chicks LOVE that...seeing a guy with a long needle, sticking it in, and injecting god-knows-what into themselves.
Finally, keep a positive attitude. There's lots of guys in your same situation who never get any, like rusty and pale. They're right here on eroids, and it's possible we could even start a support forum for you guys.
Good luck, and God bless losers who he forgot about when he was making people.