Hey kids, Ed here. I'm trying to decide if I'm lucky or unlucky today. As some of you may know, I've had some health issues, I'm trying to recover, and finally back in the gym as of yesterday. You know, things are looking up. Or they seemed to be...
So today on my lunch break from work, I drive to my optometrist to pick up some contact lenses that I ordered. Get out of my truck in the parking lot across the street (Oh, don't let me forget to tell you that I was slightly high on pain medication from my medical sityation.)
So I get to a cross walk and start to walk, it's a four way stop so I have the right of way, I'm walking, a little doped, of course looking sexy as always, wearing my tight black t-shirt, yeah it's cold enough for a jacket but who gives a shit. Looking pretty is most important. You guys know what I mean.
So my ass is fricken frolicking along, humming "18 and life" by Skid Row and all of a sudden I hear the screeching of tires. SONOFABITCH! I look up and see this gold Toyota Corrolla sliding towards me.
Holy Shit Ed! Did you die? Damn near kids, I thought I was dead. It was kind of weird because you know how people say their lives flash before their eyes? That didn't happen, the only thing that flashed before my eyes was when I was at Subway yesterday and the chick sandwich artist was making me a Southwest Steak and Cheese sandwich. No shit kids, that's all that flashed before my eyes, some chick in the process of making a sandwich. That's how deep my thought process is right now.
Anyways--so this car is careening towards me and the only thing I can think to do is jump so that my legs don't get snapped and tucked under the car.
So I jump in the air and wack! Sonofabitch.. Toyota nails me. The front bumper hit the bottom of my feet and it flipped me onto the hood and into the windshield. Which was actually-- surprisingly-- not that shitty of an impact because there was some give in the hood and the windshield.
Holy shit ED! That's right kids. Holy shit. So the initial impact really wasn't that bad, it was the secondary launch that sucked ass. As the car came to a stop it launched me in the other direction. Oh SHIT ED! That's right kids. Oh SHIT is very right. So I launch, not too far, maybe 10-15 feet and land on my ass, bang the side of my head a little on the pavement and its over. I just got hit by a fricken Toyota Corolla.
So I lay there a little stunned, and it hits me that shit, I might get hit by another fricken car so I better get my ass up. So I jump up, stumble a bit and realize that I'm ok. That's right kids. I didn't die. But I bet you all figured that out already as you are reading this.
So, I get myself together and these two high school aged girls get out of the Corrolla, one girl kind of fat, the other kind of cute, admittedly both would have been cute had I been on cycle but that's neither here nor there....And these chicks are both bawling. Lol. They come running over, I'm there kind of bent over catching my breath, and I say: "WTF? You girls mad at me or something? Why did you just run me over?" By this time the driver is sobbing. Lol. So I say: "Why are you bawling? I'm the one who should be bawling, I'm the one who got hit by the car." Yes, kids my words of comfort didn't seem to comfort this young lady.
So anyways, I walk around for a minute, trying to get an assessment of my faculties, and realize that I'm not hurt, sure a little sore and a little beat up, a little road rash on my temple but really was quite fortunate.
The cops came, wanted to get me an ambulance, I declined told them that I was ok. Talked to the girls (Yeah, dumbass girl admitted to texting when she hit me) and told them I wasn't mad and that everything would be ok. (Yeah, it should have been them comforting me but you fellas know how chicks work...) After about 5 minutes I think they calmed down (I think because They were attracted to me...I could tell.) we filled out some paperwork, one of the girls dad shows up he apologizes and it's over... and I walked over to the Eye doc's office and picked up my fricken contact lenses.
Holy shit Ed, are you going to sue their asses for that badass Corolla?
No kids, I'm not the suing type. People have cut me some pretty awesome breaks before, and I'm cool with doing that myself, besides I'm pretty sure that I'm OK, the reality is, I've been hit harder before. Just not by a damn Toyota Corolla.
Holy shit Ed, what is the moral to the story?
Well kids, To be perfectly honest, I don't know if there is a moral to this story, besides don't get hit by an effing Toyota Corolla, and if you do, it doesn't hurt to be a badass juicer with a big wiener. Sometimes the size comes in handy kids.
Thanks for reading.
All my love, no homo
Ed.
P.S. Not sure if we have any priests around here, but I'm thinking that I might need to confess my sins and start being a better person. Shit's got me thinking about not killing hookers any more...LOL. Ok, I won't go that far. I'll probably just not eat subway any more.