Help and words of wisdom for an addict.
Hey kids, Ed here with a little more serious post for you my nameless faceless friends.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection, looking back on my life, considering who I am, who I've become, what took me there, what has helped and what has hurt me.
My life has been quite successful in a number of areas. I have a successful career and Jobs that pay well, I have a beautiful wife, who is very smart, funny and easy to get along with, in fact I am madly in love with her. I love her company, and I think she even likes mine. 
we never run out of things to talk about, and it's probably the best marriage that I've really ever seen. I have enjoyed every single day of our life adventure together. I have wonderful children, they are all healthy, very smart, very cute, polite, and I absolutely love being a dad to them. My family is absolutely everything to me, and nothing brings me more happiness than they do.
I have an excellent college education, and even while getting the education pulled off some pretty sweet accomplishments in athletics. I have good friends, a great family, and really a storybook life, if there is such a thing.
So that's my life in a nutshell as we speak. Oh yeah, lets not leave out the elephant in the room. I'm a damn addict.
WTF Ed? What kind of addict are you?
That's a good question kids, a question that I really don't have an answer to. I guess I'm addicted to every damn thing I touch, and I don't know why.
When I was younger it was alcohol, drugs, and tobacco. I no longer drink, do hardcore drugs or use tobacco. But now I find myself always having to be on something and it really doesn't matter what it is, I really don't have a preference I just have to be on something. Does that make sense to anyone?
I've recently had some medical issues, along with that came a sweet prescription of Oxycodone. I'm a smooth talker so yeah, I got a lot of it. I love the shit. This isn't my first rodeo with Oxy's. Once I have a prescription for it, I take it until it's gone. Not on an as needed basis, but because I like the way it makes me feel. When the script runs out, I won't go back to the doc and try to work him for more, I won't steal it from someone, I won't prostitute my sexy ass body for some, I'll quit and be miserable for a few days but then two or three weeks out, I'll feel empty like something is missing and I'll jump on cycle just to have something in my system. I'll cycle for 12 weeks, jump into pct and afterwards hit and ECA stack or jump on phentermine for a while just to keep an edge and keep my body cut up. (this edge almost always includes a drug of some sorts) , in the mean time, I'll probably get sick and my doc will prescribe some hydrocodone cough syrup. I'll sip on that shit and be high for a few days until it's gone. I'll go a few weeks without anything, but something usually comes up I'll break a toe or something and get something else and run it. I don't smoke weed, I don't drink booze and I stay away from the hard drugs that I messed with when I was younger, but it seems like I'm always on something. It's kind of a crazy cycle. I just don't feel normal unless I'm on something. Does that make sense to anyone?
I think that's why steroids is so appealing to me. I can jump on a nice cycle, get obsessed with the cycle workout, and not be tempted by the other shit. However, I know that I cycle harder than I need too, and admittedly run compounds a little heavier than needed because of my addictive nature.
So in reflection, I worry that all of this is going to catch up to me. As mentioned earlier, I really do have an awesome life, I don't want ruin it by being a dumbass, but I have an incredibly hard time finding balance. It's either balls to the wall or nothing.
Sure, there are periods of time where I am on nothing, and I force myself to keep off shit because I don't want to get carried away. I look at guys who do get carried away and it completely ruins their lives. I think a lot of these guys probably started off just how I am. Always on something.
I don't want to lose everything that I have. Shit, I have it good. way better than I deserve. I've worked my ass off to get here but can see that I'm walking that fine line.
So what do I do? What should I do? How do I fix this? How do I fix myself? Am I the kind of guy that needs to just stay away from absolutely everything including steroids? I'm not that worried about size, I don't compete, and the fact of the matter is, I can hold a pretty respectful 215 all natty. I like 235, would really like 250 but at what cost?
I don't know how to live half cocked? It seems like it's either all or nothing?
I don't know bros. Maybe this resonates with a few of you, maybe it's just me rambling. I just don't want to ruin everything that I've worked so hard for because of this weakness.
How do I find that middle ground? How do I fix myself before I ruin myself?
Any words of advice or wisdom would be awesome. Sorry to throw out such a lame post and wallow in my weakness. But where does a guy turn?
All my love, no homo
Ed
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Hey brother, would like to say that was a really well written post, and by seeing the problem yourself you're already a step ahead of the game.
I'm much younger than you but I do believe that I have a similar addictive personality. Whenever I discover something new that really sparks my interest, I immerse myself in it. When I was young it was video games, as I got older it was drugs, soon after I started lifting and became absolutely obsessed. When I met my current girlfriend I became infatuated with her, and I couldn't get enough of spending time with her. When I am deciding on a new cycle to run I spend several hours a day for weeks, sometimes months researching the odds and ends, what source to go through, this and that. But one thing I have figured out about myself is that I am always addicted to only one thing at a time.
So I have learned throughout the years to begin channeling my addictive energy towards constructive habits. During my college years, I spent a lot of time doing undergraduate research that took a great deal of my time and passion. I created the same addictive passion for something that furthered my academic as well as professional career, and not something destructive and meaningless.
Thats about all I got my man, find something to be passionate about that is healthy. Join a local sports team, or organization you are interested in and channel your passion towards that.
Hoping the best for you brother, good luck
sounds familiar
bigwillyyou turn right to me my friend! they'll be a PM latter tonight. if it slips my mind please contact ma.
I can definitely relate Ed! The fact that you are able to come to this realization is great. It's just a matter of deciding and acting on what kind of life you want to live. For me, it was opiates, they ruled my life. I knew at one point or another they would cause me some serious problems, especially how I was getting them. It took a long time of thinking and self reflecting but I finally said "screw this" and decided to get help and come clean. It was a tough road.
I have an addictive personality in all aspects of my life. It's a hard thing to manage and I applaud you for how well you have done. I know that sounds odd because of all you have done but I'm looking at the positive side....you handle your biz. Not everyone has the mentality to stop, or to control it. In some ways, I'm one of them. I NEVER touched heroin or cocaine because I knew they would grab me and never let go.
In any case, as you can see by all the replies, you are certainly not alone. We all struggle. You just have to decide if you can maintain and control or stop and leave a cleaner life. Also, regarding leaving your kids and family fatherless. That is the hardest thought of all. Trust me I know. I can't stomach the thought of my daughter growing up with out me. I will also be honest and say (and I might sound like an asshole, I even feel guilty for saying this..) we have to have our own life too. We can't live in fear of what will happen. If something makes us happy, good or bad, sometimes we need that in our lives.
I take AAS as an example. It makes me happy. I feel good on cycle but since I decided to run low dose test, I feel a million times better than my old self. I know there is always a risk of complication with AAS but whether I'm filling a void, or whatever, I feel better than I have the past 8+ years of my life since my opiate journey started and ended. Do I ever want to not be here for my daughter? No fucking way. I love that girl more than anything. However, I learned by losing my mother suddenly, tomorrow is never guaranteed so we have to live life to the fullest, but maintain a balance and try to be as safe as possible.
I can't believe I'm going to quote this but...
Thanks for sharing bro. Kids definitely gets a man checking himself a little more don't they. :). Glad to hear that you are winning the battle opiates. That's a huge accomplishment in itself. Very well said.
if I could give you karma for that I would. Thanks brother.
Also, I'd be willing to bet that you are the first to quote a Kenny Rogers song in the history of Eroids.
I think the fact that you're so introspective is awesome.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
C.G. Jung
If everyone were so honest, most men would admit that they feel this way. We're really not built for the lives we live. We're still primitive by nature. We're meant to fight for our food, to wage wars, and grow into humble old grandfathers. In some way, I really believe we're all at unrest in some sense. There are those that reach out and try to fill the void, and those that become the void. I really don't know any man out there personally that hasn't battled with this in some way. Whether its drugs, alcohol, women, money or power. We're all trying to pacify basic instincts. Just don't think there's anything wrong or different about you brother. The fact that you see it, and can name it already sets you ahead of most out here in the game.
Thanks for the post brother. Definitely some excellent points. It seems like it's those damn natural instincts that give us the trouble isn't it?
And one Tijuana bathtub later, here we are. Lol
AnonOne day at a time ed
There is treatment out there to reply to your reply to me on the first page.. and yea its not easy but your tough enuf to overcome
Thanks brother for the vote of confidence I will overcome, I have to. :).
hang in there ed...life is like photography.....you need the negatives to develop
True dat bro.
That was well said and heartfelt.
I can relate my addiction has always been operational tempo, I am addicted to it so much that I have lied to myself about retirement more than I can remember. Selfishly put it before my family and no it would be complete bullshit to say it was about patriotism or the greater good. It is because I thrive there, I feel most alive, and everything makes complete sense. Do I know it is delusional and selfish absolutely. My definition of addiction is an obsession that takes over self regardless of the cost. I also believe it is not limited to just alcohol, drugs, etc.
Because such obsessive behavior in the end leads to the same place. Also every version is unhealthy especially when others depend and need you to be there for them that you have committed to. I agree with Hllwd about the true meaning and cure my issue is this right now I know I don't want to be cured if I did I would be. Because I would simply want something more than what I selfishly want. But I don't so I have to live with the consequences of my own selfishness.
In some self justifying defense my wife knew exactly my plans since we have been together and a wise brother of mine said don't get married it has no place in this life. He also told me the reason and he was right, but again in my own desire I didn't give a shit.
Regret and guilt are for those who delude themselves into thinking they aren't doing exactly what they want most. I am not one of those people. My selfishness with never be cured maybe one day it will be transferred so it I will love my family more than myself but until then, like Popeye says "I am what I am!"
Thanks for the input bro. I understand that aspect. I am afraid that in my situation the I am what I am unfortunately might really get me in trouble. Lol
You see with your addiction, the end very well could be death and losing everything. However as opposed to mine, you would meet your end with a badass hero tag. Lol
Mine on the other hand would be met with a loser dead junkie tag.
Maybe I should just do a better job at choosing my addictions.
Yes I should have elaborated I was more going towards the purpose of saying that addiction comes in many forms. Also that I view my selfishness as no different despite others may tag it with heroism. I do agree wholeheartedly though that for the sake of what drugs so to the mind and body as well as the home life, your state is far more critical. Once you reach a point in your mind where you have already failed those who love in respect you it is even easier to go down the destructive path.
Si my advice on your personal battle is knock it the fuck off kill all that shit and do whatever you must to win. Because clearly your guilt is amassing and guilt never leads one to do wiser things. It just gives us the excuse to finish being destructive. Contact me anytime
Lol. Well said.
However, you and I both know that I'm a sociopath. Guilt never enters the equation.
Lol! I can relate to that!
addiction is a spiritual malady that can only be healed by a spiritual means. Most lack this understanding and attempt to fill the void with physical, emotional or mental endeavors... Most of the these methods work to distract for short periods but cannot maintain longevity so the void is filled with "more" or "different" only to be caught in cycles to seek relief from the discomfort. This usually lends itself to a form of insanity because those afflicted turn to methods that they know have run their course and no longer work hence seeking out the same things looking for different results... To get right with spirit is to get right with self
Anonyour a pretty smart dude.. i have practiced spiritual healing but didnt expect thus coming from u
Respect
Amen bro. I didn't expect that from you but you couldn't be more right.
Appearance can be deceiving. If you look at Hllwd responses to topics you can see his spirituality. Even more so after is last hiatus from here and when he returned. On general appearance he is a no BS, ball riding, non friend making person here. Which he makes clear for everyone to see but it doesn't mean he lacks depth. Choosing when to let it show is also the self discipline of spirituality
I think you are right about Hllwd. In fact I think it's safe to say that there are a load of bros on here with some serious spirituality.
Very well said...
Interesting. Didn't expect a spiritual healing post from the FU boy. :). Thanks for the input. One day if you ever get few minutes away from janitorial work around this place Id be interested in a Pm on your opinion on how to actually "get right" with spirit. Seems a little more complicated than signing my name to the back of a little bible and getting saved.
I guess there are a couple different ways to look at this. I can definitely relate on many levels as I too have way more than I deserve in my life and I also feel similar as far as drugs go. But here is my take: You still have maintained control of yourself, obviously. Can you maintain control over yourself going into the future? That is my own personal benchmark.
I take one norco a day unless I am really hurt, usually pre-workout.
I have used hydrocodone (mostly recreationally) since I was 19. In my 30's tho it became more of a maintenance thing than getting high, they make me feel good, energetic and best of all nearly pain free. That being said I also am fully aware how addictive they seem to be for many others so I limit myself, I also periodically will not use them at all for a week or two, and you know what? It's okay when I am not on.
I realize some, in fact many cannot use anything without risk of addiction, but instead of trying to punish yourself with total abstinence why not just hold yourself to a level of responsibility? For myself I have found it a much more comfortable goal.
But in the end Ed, this all about you and what will work for you..
Anon"I realize some, in fact many cannot use anything without risk of addiction, but instead of trying to punish yourself with total abstinence why not just hold yourself to a level of responsibility? For myself I have found it a much more comfortable goal."
Don't know how to actually quote but this definitely. I was over-using Xanax for over a year, starting holding myself to a standard as you've said and now use between 0.5-1mg only a day down from around 8mg a day. I realize that's not in deep waters as far as addiction not at all but that's as far as I went before life smacked some sense into me. I tried cold turkey, had to ween off.... didn't take but 6 weeks because I was determined I suppose. Been using this low dose now for about 16 months ( shortly after I quit recreational drugs entirely and partying ). I still take 0.5mg before I work out if I don't I get anxiety from people looking at me and I can't catch my breathe properly between sets helps me a LOT with training. Great post
The need to control is a clear indication that something is out of control
AnonHey since when did you become all deep and insightful?? Thought you were just here to swing the hammer and hate us??
All kidding aside ( don't ban my ass I'm just joking ) you're definitely right. I'm still struggling hard to find a balance in my life with all this change lately moving towns and all, I stumbled pretty bad just about crumbled when I was down and out for so long recently from surgeries and lost a ton of weight broke my confidence practically anxiety went through the roof but I used meditation/breathing techniques instead of Xanax I'm trying bro I am. I have a habit of creating BAD habits in place of good ones if I have free time on my hands, in this case I lost the 7 meals a day and the gym and found myself doing some dumb shit obsessively in it's place just time wasters no drugs cooped up alone in my apartment. I also since becoming medicated for ADD the last 5 months have tried to find the balance for becoming stable with that, but that's a bit different I HAVE to medicate for that or I can't manage my life properly while attending University. Being TRT without doc supervision is on my mind as well. Anyways I'm just rambling now.... don't judge I don't have a single person in real life to talk to eroids is all I got to speak my mind for real hah. Helps to read threads like this.
Hey bro, have you ever thought about a therapist? Might help spilling your beans. Regardless, if you ever need to talk, hit me up on PM. Nobody should hold anything in if it's bothering you, that will also lead to self destruction!
Good points brother. Unfortunately, I try to hold myself to a level of control and only do well for a little while but it seems like I always find myself abusing it in the long run. Doesn't matter what it is.
I guess I just don't know how to "know when to say when. When I drank, I was never one of those guys that could go home from work, drink a beer and chill. It always had to be enough to get drunk, not a light drunk but a slobbering asshat drunk. To this day I don't touch alcohol because I never could control it.
So how does a guy hold himself to that level of responsibility without getting carried away?
For me it's a different kind of will power. I think I've got all kind of will power. But damn this seems to be my kryptonite.
And that is where we are different bro and I don't have an answer. I have always been pretty good at stopping drinking at the line before going over the cliff into drunkenness. I have used most street drugs and walked away, I still use cannabis but it is only post workout at the end of the day if it all. I don't know, maybe I have a gift that the drugs that normally hook people thru the nose, I don't know. I even used up all the oxycontins my dad left behind when he died ( I was very depressed), I smoked them, snorted them and ate them. When they were gone I was relieved...
You know yourself better than anyone on the planet bro. If you cannot keep things controlled then maybe you should just stop. Life does keep right on going when you're sober you know...
noob941ed you have already fired the first shot in the war that is addiction....acknowledgement , you know there is an issue and you know what that issue is.....I say war..because we do not win every battle,we always fight but sometimes resistance is futile and we use. With that being said you have also stated why YOU ARE GOING TO SUCCEED ..Your family...the opening paragraph shows what you fight for....and what we are fighting for determines how hard we are willing to fight. And recovery,is like AAS in that what works for me will not work for you, we all act, and react to shit differently! You must find what works for you, and then work it,....my prayers and faith are with you brother....STAY STRONG
Hey thanks for the words brother. I think sometimes the toughest part of internal war is actually understanding who the enemy is.
noob941DAMN ED YOU ARE SMART AS FUCK.....I TOO STRUGGLE AND HAVE STRUGGLED WITH ALL FORMS OF ADDICTION, AND UNTIL I READ THAT I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF MY STRUGGLE PAST OR PRESENT IN TERMS OF WHO OR WHAT AM I FIGHTING...IS IT CIRCUMSTANCES,OLD HURTS,A SELF WORTH ISSUE...I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!! BUT I DO HAVE A NEW WAY TO APPROACH MY JOURNEY ..THANK YOU E.D......
All thanks goes to you brother. And I'm sure that you are much smarter than me. Maybe not as pretty :). But it's a safe bet that I'm probably the dumbest guy in this place.
roughneck12I know and tell people. It don’t ever go away. Addition never stops. We just replace it with other things. That allow us to continue an natural life in others eyes and not loss every thing. It's a personality trait that if you can know your limits, you can minimize damage. I'm Rough and and I'm a addict. I won't mess with shit I know I cant keep in check. I will always be a addict and will continue to face it every day till I meet my maker. I won't let it dictate my life and family members well being. Prayers sent to you and I wish you all the best. Don't ever put your head down for a second . You own it and keep it together;) Rough!!
Great perspective bro. Thanks for the words. Absolutely appreciated.
roughneck12Anytime and thank you for sharing your testimony ED.
i can relate to this. after i finished my first cycle, i thought about being on cycle every day until i started my second one... i haven't had a single drink since haloween. but i miss it, and it was way easier to get digits while partying... come to think of it. i feel like i have my head up my ass, and i know it. im 22 and putting way too much strain on my body while watching others have fun. its hard to keep up in other areas of my life, even classes are harder because of feeling run down all the time... im addicted to that gym life tho. and possibly steroids... but i will always pct if i have that option.
Go easy young brother. 22 is a good age to live and enjoy life, not settle into retirement. :). That age was some of my best years and they were also years that I stayed away from most of the bads. :).
lol feels like im already there. bodybuilding is so isolating...
It doesn't have to be. It's an addiction of its own , and as a young man really bro make sure that you control it and it doesn't control you.
bigunI'm addicted to anything that changes the way I feel. What I've learned is the "what" I use to accomplish that is actually irrelevant, it's more the not wanting to feel the way I feel. And what's so crazy is that it really doesn't matter if things are going poorly or really well, I still want to change how I feel.
Used to be opiates and booze. Now it's AAS. I was a practicing alcoholic for 10 years. At least a fifth every day starting at 15 yrs old. Then I would mix in opiates/coke/ random women. Got sober in 2010. Haven't drank since.
Now it's food and AAS. I've felt conflicted ab this but guess I justify it by saying that the past ways I changed how I felt left my family distraught and caused my life to depreciate through loss of jobs, relationships, educational pursuits you name it. With this new way of life I'm able to be a productive member of society. Granted I spend a lot of money on AAS but my life is structured, I'm relatively health and my family doesn't have to worry ab me or be ashamed.
I guess to me I've found a lesser of two evils. But I'm under no illusion that it's just another way to change the way I feel, which is the root of my disease.
Word on that brother.
Good on ya for going with the lesser of two evils and I'm a firm believer that AAS is not even close to the other evil.
Best of luck brother. I'm convinced that it doesn't have to be a losing battle.
Thanks for the input.
Great post buddy. I think you captured what a lot of us feel or least what I feel. On a positive note I feel more motivated to live a clean healthy life when on cycle so to me that's a blessing. Wish I had a answer for you but my best piece of advise is tell your doctor right away to keep opiates away from you. That's the killer right there and you'll end up selling your beautiful wife's jewelry just to keep your high going. Good luck Buddy.
No shit on the opiates. It's damn weird as hell, I swear it's like they throw that shit at me so I'll be their buddy. I know that might sound funny but no shit the last doc I went to... We were bullshitting, I tell him what the previous doc had me on and he was like wink wink.. I gotcha brother, doubled my damn dose without blinking an eye. It's like I'm a magnet for this shit or something. I know that sounds funny but seriously this shit is thrown at me. A couple of docs ago, no shit I tried to turn down Valium and he seriously spent five minutes talking me into it.
I think you are right though. I need to draw a hard line on the opiates and stick to it.
roughneck12X2 on that. Dr are legal dealers and my down fall was xanax. Was at 15 put on it for panic attacks causing heart attack symptoms. When I became a father and drug screens for employment came. I stop weed and started drinking. Mixed together I did things I don't see now looking back. I was not in prison for. 6 months in jail detox was hell. I beat it and now take vailum and adderall. Abuse the adds now. My injury to my back got me in pain always and a script for Norco and tram but I seen my friends fall off so bad and get hooked I want mess with it unless really needed. Worst shit I've seen and meth. So watch that stuff .
not trying to call you out but is this the SAME doctor writing all these prescriptions? My guess is you go to a psych for the adderall and valium for "panick attacks only" and the physician wrote the pain med. Does your doctor who wrote the valium the same as the adderall? Most doctors try to not prescribe adderall and a benzo at the same time. Usually because adderall makes you edgy causing anxiety. Either way it's not your doctors fault don't blame them, you are the one who came to his office with problems or pretending to have problems to get the scripts.
I know your pain tho bro I was put on ANTIDEPRESSANTS at the age of 16, along with anxiety meds and add meds as well. But I was able to quit the ativan. It literally helped me because I ONLY took it when I had panic attacks, since those thoughts are what triggered the anxiety. My body got used to being calm when i had those thoughts and took the ativan at the same time, so thoughts no longer "cause anxiety". This along with other therapy and lots of time in the gym is how I overcame anxiety. Try to get off those benzos man that shit will mess you up, permanent memory loss, and potential for seizures from withdrawal. Good luck friend
Ed my man this truly does resonate with me. I too am an addict. I spent the better portion of my teens and early twenties in a drug and alcohol induced oblivion. Luckily for me shit got bad enough for me to decide that I wanted to stop more than I wanted to continue. I got joined up with one of them 12 step cults and the rest was history. I've been sober for almost 4 years now and quite honestly life could not be better. I have a beautiful baby girl, a promising career with a Fortune 500 company and strong relationships with friends and family.
Enough about me though. I completely get your struggle bro. I still find myself constantly filling that hole left behind from the drugs bad alcohol. Women, caffeine, the gym, the juice .... And the list goes on. I've come to accept that it's part of my personality. That doesn't make it ok though. And it doesn't mean I have to accept it. I think life today comes down to choices. I can choose to do esteemable things or I can keep doing the same shit that makes me feel like crap. They say pain is the great motivator. That's definitely true for me. BUT I get to choose what the threshold is going to be. I get to choose when enough is enough.
I don't know the right answer for you. I'm not even sure I know the right answer for me. But I do believe that if you look hard enough (inside and out) that your conscience won't steer you wrong.
I don't know if anything I just said made sense. Good luck homes.
Brother that made absolute sense. Even the caffeine part. Shit my intake is insane sometimes. Just filling that void.
I'm definitely going to dig deep. Failure isn't am option.
Thanks for the words brother.