Hey kids, Ed here with a little more serious post for you my nameless faceless friends.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection, looking back on my life, considering who I am, who I've become, what took me there, what has helped and what has hurt me.
My life has been quite successful in a number of areas. I have a successful career and Jobs that pay well, I have a beautiful wife, who is very smart, funny and easy to get along with, in fact I am madly in love with her. I love her company, and I think she even likes mine. we never run out of things to talk about, and it's probably the best marriage that I've really ever seen. I have enjoyed every single day of our life adventure together. I have wonderful children, they are all healthy, very smart, very cute, polite, and I absolutely love being a dad to them. My family is absolutely everything to me, and nothing brings me more happiness than they do.
I have an excellent college education, and even while getting the education pulled off some pretty sweet accomplishments in athletics. I have good friends, a great family, and really a storybook life, if there is such a thing.
So that's my life in a nutshell as we speak. Oh yeah, lets not leave out the elephant in the room. I'm a damn addict.
WTF Ed? What kind of addict are you?
That's a good question kids, a question that I really don't have an answer to. I guess I'm addicted to every damn thing I touch, and I don't know why.
When I was younger it was alcohol, drugs, and tobacco. I no longer drink, do hardcore drugs or use tobacco. But now I find myself always having to be on something and it really doesn't matter what it is, I really don't have a preference I just have to be on something. Does that make sense to anyone?
I've recently had some medical issues, along with that came a sweet prescription of Oxycodone. I'm a smooth talker so yeah, I got a lot of it. I love the shit. This isn't my first rodeo with Oxy's. Once I have a prescription for it, I take it until it's gone. Not on an as needed basis, but because I like the way it makes me feel. When the script runs out, I won't go back to the doc and try to work him for more, I won't steal it from someone, I won't prostitute my sexy ass body for some, I'll quit and be miserable for a few days but then two or three weeks out, I'll feel empty like something is missing and I'll jump on cycle just to have something in my system. I'll cycle for 12 weeks, jump into pct and afterwards hit and ECA stack or jump on phentermine for a while just to keep an edge and keep my body cut up. (this edge almost always includes a drug of some sorts) , in the mean time, I'll probably get sick and my doc will prescribe some hydrocodone cough syrup. I'll sip on that shit and be high for a few days until it's gone. I'll go a few weeks without anything, but something usually comes up I'll break a toe or something and get something else and run it. I don't smoke weed, I don't drink booze and I stay away from the hard drugs that I messed with when I was younger, but it seems like I'm always on something. It's kind of a crazy cycle. I just don't feel normal unless I'm on something. Does that make sense to anyone?
I think that's why steroids is so appealing to me. I can jump on a nice cycle, get obsessed with the cycle workout, and not be tempted by the other shit. However, I know that I cycle harder than I need too, and admittedly run compounds a little heavier than needed because of my addictive nature.
So in reflection, I worry that all of this is going to catch up to me. As mentioned earlier, I really do have an awesome life, I don't want ruin it by being a dumbass, but I have an incredibly hard time finding balance. It's either balls to the wall or nothing.
Sure, there are periods of time where I am on nothing, and I force myself to keep off shit because I don't want to get carried away. I look at guys who do get carried away and it completely ruins their lives. I think a lot of these guys probably started off just how I am. Always on something.
I don't want to lose everything that I have. Shit, I have it good. way better than I deserve. I've worked my ass off to get here but can see that I'm walking that fine line.
So what do I do? What should I do? How do I fix this? How do I fix myself? Am I the kind of guy that needs to just stay away from absolutely everything including steroids? I'm not that worried about size, I don't compete, and the fact of the matter is, I can hold a pretty respectful 215 all natty. I like 235, would really like 250 but at what cost?
I don't know how to live half cocked? It seems like it's either all or nothing?
I don't know bros. Maybe this resonates with a few of you, maybe it's just me rambling. I just don't want to ruin everything that I've worked so hard for because of this weakness.
How do I find that middle ground? How do I fix myself before I ruin myself?

Any words of advice or wisdom would be awesome. Sorry to throw out such a lame post and wallow in my weakness. But where does a guy turn?

All my love, no homo
Ed