Hey kids, Meat Hole here with a little constipation talk.
I am a creature of habit, my morning routine is no exception. I wake up around 4:30, throw my gym clothes on and go to the gym and lift. I'm usually back home by 6:30. At that time I will mix up some sort of cold drink, take a big chug, throw some clothes in the laundry and take my medication.
As I take this medication almost like clockwork i will get hit with a pretty heavy bowel movement.
Needless to say I will pinch my sphincter ( no homo) swallow the rest of my meds and run to the shitter. This is a daily occurrence. If this schedule gets messed up and my timing is off I'm usually plugged up for a couple of days.
"Holy shit Ed I mean Meat Hole, that's messed up!"
That's right kids it's damn messed up, but it's just the hand that I was dealt. I'll have shitter issues until they kill me, at least that's what the doc said.
At any rate, Monday morning on my way home from the gym, I see this chick parked In the middle of the road with a flat tire.
"Did you help her Meat Hole?"
You bet your ass I did, I'm not an animal.
So I help this lady change her tire, while she sits in my pickup with the heater on. I get done, she thanks me..."damn Meat hole did you try to get a blow job out of it?"
No kids, this lady was pretty ugly and I had no desire, but thanks for asking.
At any rate, a few minutes later I get home, hit my routine, take my meds but no bowel movement.
I walk into my bathroom, drop my clothes on the travertine tile and sit on the shitter. Nothing was happening.
"Oh shit Meat hole, sorry that you sacrificed your shit for that lady."
Me too kids, me too, because the shit never came. I went to bed last night with a gut ache and woke up this morning in horrible pain.
I sit on the shitter and nothing. Sonof a bitch.
My guts were hurting so bad that I had to skip my workout.
So I got dressed and went to work. By about 10:00 the pain from this mega impacted shit was so bad that I decided that I needed to do something about it.
"Holy shit Meat Hole, wHat did you do?"
Patience, damn kids let me finish my story.
So I leave work, jump in my truck and drive to Wal mart to purchase an Enema (I bought two)
"Oh shit Ed an Enema? That's hard core!"
I know kids, but I'm a pretty hard core dude, and please don't call me Ed. I'm meat hole now.
So I pick up a two pack of Enemas and drive home, and administer the first enema.
"Oh shit Meat hole that's gross!"
I know kids, but after inserting the enema into my ass I yelled out NO HOMO! Just to make sure that had my bases covered.
I squeeze the liquid into my ass and lay ther on the tile, hoping it will break shit up a little. After laying there for about a minute, I couldn't hold it in any longer and I jumped on the can.
"Oh shit Meat hole, did it work?"
No kids it did not. I shit out the liquid and the only thing that it picked up was a small rock hard turd about the size of a large marble.
I sat there for a little while longer And nothing.
So I remove the second enema from the case insert it into my ass, yell no homo and fill my gut with that cold shit inducing liquid.
I laid on the floor and held it in for a couple of minutes, I then stood up, wiggled my guts around hoping for some fecal penetration (no homo) to ensure penetration of this massive blockage I do a damn somersault... Ok, I made that up I really would have have shit my pants had I done a somersault.
I then retreat to the shitter and shit out the liquid followed by three small turds, each about the size of a marble. Rock effing hard.
I sit there for about five minutes and that was it.
The small shits gave me enough relief that i went back to work. Guts still in pain but slightly better.
So here I am, it's thursday evening. I'm sitting in my hot tub, guts are hurting and I have some seriously impacted shit inside of me. My gut makes GH gut look like nothing.
I'm fricken dying kids. I took some ex lax about 30 minutes ago and am fully expecting a live delivery before I hit the gym in the morning so pray for me kids.
I'll keep you all posted. I'm sure this is quite riveting, that's why I'm telling the story.
Now before you fellas start preaching to me about fiber and about water intake and things that make a person regular, I say save your typing fingers. My problem is due to a medical condition. That and because I decided to help a lady change her tire.
"Oh shit Ed, you mean to tell me that I just spent the last half hour reading that and there is no moral to the story? No lesson learned? No funny punch lines?"
That's right kids. I just wanted to let you all know that I really really need to take a shit.
I'll keep you posted In the morning as to how the ex lax works out, which by the way came in the form of a delicious chocolate bar.
All my love, no homo
Meat Hole