Hi Everyone,

I always wanted to become a bodybuilder, but due to a serious shoulder injury I was never able to become one even though I tried. I got depressed so I focussed on other talents I had. I'm an IT professional, primarily focussed on Apple. And then when I started my own business back in 2005 I started doing business with the wrong kind of people - even though the business itself was quite successful.
So there I was. In 2009. Bankrupt. With nothing left to lose. So I started picking up the love I lost... Bodybuilding. And boy, what a joyride it became. I gained hard from a thin drug addict weighing only 160 lbs to a monster over 240 lbs in less than 5 years time. I got really huge, and I loved it. And so it was that I also got back in the game starting over and being even more successful in business than before.

Until last year when a tragic car accident almost took my life. The insurance company denying any obligation at all even though I was very well assured and I was not to blame for what happened to me. I broke my neck and since then I have to deal with constant pain, 24/7 losing customers by the hour. The dream came and gone, and so did the fire in my soul to pursue both my career as my favorite sport. But I kept on eating healthy, and even tried to train every once in a while although my body and mind count't handle it because of the lack of energy and the much needed sleep.

I had and still have to deal with medication, sleepless nights and a stressful relationship. But I decided it is time to pick it up again before I lose it all and I have to start all over again. So okay, I gained a bit more body fat. But the muscle is still there and so is the flame to keep on trying. Somehow... I have to try to make it.
So here I am, in an almost desperate cry for some motivation. I even do some exercises just to see how my body reacts on things. I started with my rehabilitation program to see what my body can and cannot do.

I know I lost just about 60 maybe 70% of the person I was before, but I still feel like a bodybuilder, I still look like a bodybuilder and damn... I want to be one again! So I try to overcome my fight with destiny knowing there's a lot I can't do anymore that were so easy for me before. So I ordered a cycle. Starting low on testosterone only, still eating like a beast and stopping by the gym more often even though I lost a lot of what I was used to. But hey, at least i'm trying right?

I just wanna prove to myself - and maybe even to guys out here, that no matter what happens to you there must be something inside you worth living for. Making it all worth while. Trying to love yourself again. Trying to live again. Trying to gain again just some of the things I had to let go. I intend to keep a log here and see where it gets me, just to keep me alive and to help me to motivate myself to become that monster again. And who knows, even more than I was.

Your friend on the board here, Dutch Muscle.