Look take this for what its worth but I can tell you that your RBC and HCT being high is what is causing the depression and mental thinking and feeling of self doom. Either do it yourself or go donate blood you need to get that down and back to normal levels.

Mind over matter. Remind yourself this will pass and it'll all be better soon, one day/moment at a time. PM me if you need someone to vent to I'll give my info

Get that E2 UP! I noticed when my E2 gets below 20 I start getting depressed, and negative and anxious. It sucks. Way better to run E2 a bit high as opposed to low. And yeah you don't need 2 orals, honestly probably don't even need one unless you are cutting hard or are in some sort of contest prep.

It's 100% the EQ, the only panic attack I've ever had in my life was on EQ. Drop the eq, drop the drol, drink water, donate blood.
I'd also suggest lowering the test, your hormones are all out of whack and having sky high test with moderately low e2 will cause a massive imbalance. I'd even say drop the win at this point, try to get back to baseline.

1. Drop the EQ
2. Dont need 2 orals
3. Write a positive and negative list about your wife and concentrate on the positive side.
4. Take your wife in a date night. Its not her fault you are in your feelings with crashed E2
5. Stop watching porn, it also effects how you view your marriage.
6. Better to be too high with e2 than too low

Don’t be so worried bro. Your e2 is low which clearly has you all sorts of messed up mentally. Lower your EQ dose or drop it all together and go back to cruise. You’ll bounce right back

Lots of good advice already listed below! But wanted to hop on here and encourage you to hang in there. Don’t make a decision in this short term that will affect you for the rest of your life. Keep your head up and listen to some of the advice below. Wish you all the luck!!!

In terms of what you are running, have you previous experience of running High Testosterone dosages? Because 1200mg of Test E per week would blow most guys heads off and make them feel very anxious, full of excess energy, high BP, sleepless and just wouldn't sit well with them.

I personally cannot run EQ, it cause's tremendous nervousness and anxiety when it begins to build. Was one of my first ever compounds alongside Test and DBol and man it made me feel edgy as hell and restless all the time I was on it - never again.

Have you run Anadrol before? The reason I don't run it anymore is because it makes me feel very depressed and lethargic, yeah its good for getting stronger on but you can do that on Dianabol and at the same time feel happy and optimistic about life.

So there's my take on why you are feeling depressed and anxious just based on the compounds and doses you are running. I would re adjust it to 600mg Test E, Scrap the EQ and replace with NPP at 400mg/wk, lose the Adrol and use DBol instead.

And for Gods sake buddy - don't even think about leaving your wife and family over this, its all just temporary and in your mind. It will pass once these shitty compounds get out of your system and if you choose to follow my reccomendation I think you will feel tonnes better pretty soon. Lowering the Test immediately and introducing the other 2 compounds will wipe out the feeling of the others quickly.

I agree with Panda100% about E2 and how it can fuck your mental state. I ran my first cycle (Test E/ 500 mg) way too young (21) and without nearly enough education. I was so afraid of gyno that I started using Letro (don’t remember the exact dosage) EOD starting on the date of the first pin. A few days later I was depressed AF, questioning if I was a good son to my parents (no logic for that), my strength and confidence dropped like a rock…it was nasty. I eventually read around on here enough to decide that experimenting around with dropping the Letro was a good idea. By week 4 the test E had stabilized, my E2 had recovered, and 15 years later I’m a fucking gear head reading and contributing to Eroids every day.

I’m not recommending that you go and buy any- but if you happen to have some D-bol on hand try taking 50 mg/day for 2-3 days. It has an extremely high conversion rate and if low E2 is the primary driver of your symptoms you will almost immediately start feeling better.

I’m not saying adding D-bol to the cycle long term is the solution, it’s just a good way to get a quick answer on whether or not low E2 is the culprit.

Damn bro, sorry you’re feeling like that … been there myself.

Your E2 at 12.2 is way too low, especially while running 1200mg of Test and EQ. That alone can absolutely wreck your mental state, anxiety, depression, emotional numbness, even relationship detachment. Been there, seen others go through the same spiral.

So…
What’s your current Total Test? You didn’t list it … it’s key here.
Were you using an AI ? If yes, how much and how often?
What was your EQ brand? Some underdosed or overdosed gear can hit you sideways.

Also worth noting … EQ itself can suppress E2, even without AI, and it’s unpredictable. 500mg isn’t huge, but for some guys, it’s enough to tank aromatase conversion. Combine that with possible AI use or a naturally low aromatase baseline, and boom, you’re dry as a desert hormonally and emotionally.

I’d pause any AI use immediately, and consider pulling back slightly until things stabilize. Fix your bloods first before making big life calls. You’ll bounce back, brother.

E2 crashed...and? Its not a full panel because...why?

Most likely low E2 (even if it is in reference range - it could be too low for you) or direct side effect from the Eq or orals (may not be what it is supposed to be?). You don’t have your liver labs posted here but most of that won’t give you the symptoms you describe. With respect to other opinions here, there’s nothing wrong with your kidneys - BUN/Cr ratio being high shows volume depletion / dehydration but when Cr is in normal range and the ratio is low doesn’t have a real significance by itself. Your BUN is strangely low - did you chug gallons of water before your labs? If so, your hematocrit could be more worrisome and I’d consider donating blood and stopping the Eq.

I believe EQ is known to cause anxiety. Drop the EQ. EQ is also know to crash E2 which could be the root cause of your symptoms. Your E2 is pretty low.