Pretty Ladies. Gather round. Big Ed here. (in a deep, smooth Voice)
Just wanted to talk to you pretty ladies about how to please your man. You read about this in your Cosmo magazine, and well the articles were written by Women. You have been shortchanged. As man who is pleased quite often, I consider myself an expert. Not only that, but I consider myself to be the ultimate man. Or as they say in Spain, "El Ultimo mansaucito grande'"
I'd like to talk to you about how to please your man.
First, I just want to put you at ease...Kind of a verbal back rub. You may be concerned about your body as we watch you slip out of your smelly thong. Don't be. Just remember, we are not as concerned about your body as you are, so relax baby, relax. Show us what you've got. We don't judge, we just love.
Second, We don't like to talk during foreplay, we just like to touch and rub Crisco oil, ranch dressing, or peanut butter all over your body in silence. Clear your mind for love just like your man did.
Third, We like to hear words like: "That's ok", "I don't mind", and "Sure you can use soy sauce" it makes us happy.
Fourth, We like to be called knicknames like: "Goliath", "Zuess", and "Eric Estrada"
Fifth, It's ok do do things that you might think are crazy or embarassing like eat cheetos or doritos while hanging from the headboard of the bed. We like to try new things.
Sixth, It hurts our feeling if you aren't enjoying it more than we are. So please make an effort to finish your dinner.
Seventh, We think an episode of Walker Texas Ranger for the after party is more enjoyable than cuddling, and we are still ok with not talking.

There you have it. Please ask any questions if you have any.

All my love,
Ed.