Big Boys Don’t Cry
How many of us have heard that & especially from our dads, older brothers or cousins or someone we looked up to? It probably started for most of us at an early age when we’d want a toy or fall down & they would say, “big boys don’t cry.” I always wanted to impress my dad, my uncles & my cousins so I had to be tougher than tough. They’d flip me on the head & call me names & I wouldn’t cry, but instead I’d do my best to pretend it didn’t hurt. I knew I couldn’t fight back. Now I know the general principle being taught is not to be a crybaby all the time, but it’s really overly used among the male
persona.
So, we grow up thinking because we’re tough & we’re real men that we don’t cry & show emotions that would belittle who we want to be. But I ask you this, does pushing all your emotions in & holding them all down & hiding them come with a cost? It sure does!!
I’ve learned it’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to show emotion & pain & it’s ok to cry!! As a matter of fact, I’ve looked back in my life & found that my most difficult & miserable times were the times I had to push everything down & hide it from everybody else!! The fact of the matter is that no wound left unattended will heal! A man I work with lost 3 toes & almost lost his foot because he had a sore that kept growing & he self medicated it with no results instead of seeing a dr ASAP. We do the same thing emotionally! We can take care of ourselves, we’re tough & we’re real men! But the tragedy is that a wound ignored will eventually become infected & the infection will eventually spread throughout the body & can cause death!! It’s ok to talk about things that bother us. It’s ok to talk about hurtful things in the past. It’s ok to be emotional at times & it is most certainly medicinal!! I’d encourage others to talk instead of hold everything in & carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don’t ignore wounds & be perseverant in your attempts to find healing. Many folks waste their whole lives being angry & bitter & never for one moment experiencing the joys that life brings us. There’s a high percentage of a chance that I’ve already lived more years than I have left & I’ve made up my mind to not waste them!! How about you? How do you choose to live?
I’m no Dr, I cannot prescribe meds & I don’t have all the answers, but I am always here if someone needs to talk!
Keep your heads up & keep the faith!!
JAR
- Bookmark
- 0
- 0
I cry all the time fuck it I'm not to big a boy that I can admit it. Sometimes a good cry can cleans the soul if even for only a few hours. Cry away my friends cry away. It helps it truly does.
Im one of thise people who wont cry. Or at least I do my dammest to hide it. Only once i can remember ever crying in front of people and that was at my grandfathers funeral. He was the closest thing to a father I had. That said I made a conscious decision to never let my boys (I have 3) feel uncomfortable talking to me or their mom and we made dam sure they know its ok to show their emotions. I came from nothing, still dont have much but I do have 3 of the best boys in the world and I think it has a lot to do with teaching them to express how they feel and never hold shit in if something bothers them. Doing this has in no way made any of them less masculine or harmed them in any way. One is a Marine, one is the kindest 18yr old who is training be a nurse and the 3rd is a born leader.
Anyway thats my quick thoughts. Thanks for making this group Jarhead. Lots of good stuff here.
It takes a real man to break the cycle bro. And what a blessing to your boys to not have that crap passed down to them. You should be very proud.
basskiller89Hello everyone, thank you for letting me into this group. I just wanted to say hello and that I'm here to talk if anyone ever needs
Thank u bro
Glad to have you bro & thanks for posting!!
Your right giardap. My moms family is from the sticks of Kentcuky. My moms dad wasn't the greatest dude on earth. Especially when my mom and uncle were little. Drank too much, beat my uncles ass all that. By the time I came around he has chilled out and I have very fond memories of fishing with him and driving around in his old crappy truck. He never was an emotional guy and didn't hug my mom and uncle. Life was rough. They were dirt poor share croppers and stuff. Didn't have much to be happy about. I went down there every summer for many years, still do actually. But your right, when I got down there and id see my uncle hed stick his hand out to shake my hand. Of course id grab him and give him a big hug. Hed hug me back but it was definitely out of his comfort zone. He was never hugged growing up and was afraid of his dad for the most part so I see what your saying. He just didn't have it in him.
Thats it and its so sad... its just somethong thats not there/missing. The terrible thing is it passes from fsther/mother to child.
I only learned about itnin my 40s when i neded to get help to be 100% sure my own kids dont have the life i did.
Poverty sucks. I remember as a young fella only having a half a hamburger patty and teaspoon of baked beans for dinner. And you never saw a harder working man than my old man. Bad economy in ireland in 70s and 80s for many people.
I read Angela's Ashes like three times bro. Most people don't know what true poverty is. Especially nowadays.
Same bro in the area that I’m from which is close to you.
You and Masscheese must know all the old moonshi e tricks then?!! LoL
Yup!! Lol
Great post and lovely sentiment behind it. I agree completely. I do think we should be aware of those who dont/cant release emotionally too though.
Ill give you a slightly different spin on it... some people cannot cry, or express emotions. And it is not necessarily because of abuse or drugs or personality disorders or fakeness or weakness (orvsteroids haha) etc...
There is a thing called childhood emotional neglect... not abuse but neglect. And not neglectful in the sense of coming from a bad home but neglect in the sense of something that just didnt happen. In the most simple terms i can put it in, for my own benefit moreso, when a parent doesnt tune into their kid and truly hear them amd acknowledge them/their feelings; this CEN occurs.
If you go through your childhood this way... being a 'real man' and being able to cry become mutually exclusive... in fact, existing and being able to truly express emotions become seperate things. As a kid, if you dont have someone to validate or question or teach about your emotions, even in a very loving home, you end up an emotional trainwreck.
Anger is a good example;
Kid gets angry in school hits other kid
Teacher tells parent, parent scolds kid and they get a timeout or something taken away.
OR parent asks kid, were they angry, why angry, what feeling when outburtst, is there a better way to respond, will the kid promise to respond better next time.
In this example, the kid might even have been getting bullied but their anger wasnt validated. They werent taught how to appreciate anger and respond by... telling teacher or mom, or even shouting stop or whatever. OR the kid could be tuned into to learn whats happening and what they are feeling... their anger is validated as a useful emotion to let us know something is wrong but how to respind properly too....
The 1st scenarion result is the kids feelings become worthless and this is solidified over time leaving the adult easy to anger, feeling worthless and empty... no tears because nobody cares.
A therapist called Jonice Webb is pioneering understanding this stuff.
I would call it a 'very Irish problem' but its a real clichè... the dad who cant express love and the son who inherits ot all etc. Happens with women/mothers too, nobody is immune.
This is also a problem in rural America bro. Especially where I from in the Appalachian mountains where many were poor dirt farmers or poor coal miners spending countless hours in the dark mines away from family. Great addition brother!!
Yeah i can picture that
Its vety sad, particularly because nobody means it/wants it/intends it or understands it.
Hopefully the post can help someone recognise it some day
Some of the fakest men I know think its not manly to cry or show emotion. They have no clue what being a man is all about. Its a real tragedy you guys had to go through the sexual assault of a friend and sister. I have two younger sisters that I cherish. But I was watching an episode of A Haunting on tv. Cant remember why. This guys old house was haunted as hell. The evil sprits tried to drive him out of the house. Tried to hurt him and make him miserable. He brought pastors in and burnt sage, all that stuff. Nothing worked and he eventually did move out. He said something at the end I remember for some reason. He said what the evil spirts in the house hated more than anything was love and forgiveness. Stuck with me for some reason. Its so easy to hate someone. But love and forgiveness wins every time.
You’re right bro.... a sign of fakeness & hypocrisy is the ideal that it’s not ok to show emotion!
Love & forgiveness do win every time!! Thanks for sharing brother!
There is no shame in showing emotion, at least not for me. Tren makes mine even stronger. If my heart is broken at a loss of someone I love or in joy over something awesome to the people around me it shows them I am human and unafraid.
I believe at my age I’ve learned that my family who depends on me most need to see that I’m human. I’ve been transparent with both my sons that I’ve made mistakes in fatherhood, as a husband & as a man, but I wanted them to know it’s human & you can get back up. I want them to see my emotions as well that they know I’m human. I believe they have greater confidence in us because we don’t front & we let them know we’re human!
I’m 26 years old and the furthest thing from a daddy’s boy, but I’ll never forget the day after my best friend got brutally raped, how angry and heartbroken and hateful I felt, and how I never had a stronger urge to hug my father and just cry. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I never even told my therapist or fiancée that.
It’s not too late to deal with that wound brother. I’ve dealt with the same pain, but it was my sister that was raped. I focused on killing the man for a long while, but it consumed me & made me miserable. I finally had to deal with my own emotions over the whole thing. It would have been easier to just kill the man at the time, but it would not have fixed me. Do what you got to do bro to fix any & all wounds! It’s worth it!!
My heart goes out to both of you. I wanted to protect this girl so bad. But she ended up protecting me, because she wouldn’t tell me who did it, and she loved me too much to watch me throw my life away.
If I were in your position and I knew who it was… I just don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do. I’m just so sorry she went through that.
No regrets bro. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone it ever want to revisit it, but it is what it is & the power is mine as to how it affects me & my future. Make no mistake, dude will pay one day more than what I could’ve done to him. A man isn’t someone who hides emotions, but he’s one that reaches way down inside himself to find strength to get through each circumstance & give strength to those he loves!