Calling all Fathers and Step-Fathers... he punched his bio-dad in the mouth.
First of all, I just want to say that I intentionally posted this here rather than off-topic because I don't need youngster input here. I already have enough great ideas like "fuck yeah, you should kill the guy," floating around. I'm all good on that.
My 17 yo boy ran into his biological father at the grocery store the other day and called me from the parking lot... clearly shaken. Background- his bio dad hasn't spoken to him in two years. The last time was when he called and wished him a happy birthday... a couple days after his birthday. Oops! Before that, it was watching him beat his mother, shove his mother into the bedroom and hearing things that no child should hear, writing bad checks, taking out car loans in the mother's name, cheating on his mother, hitting the kids, running out on the kids, the full gambit. After years of absence and more recently having me around, he has grown comfortable with the idea that I'm all the dad he needs in his life. He also recently learned of something most tragic concerning his bio-dad and his mother that happened years ago and it was the only time I've seen him cry. So he's been carrying that around with him for months. (I'll give you a hint; it was bad.)
Fast forward- he calls me and tells me what happened, seeing the cunt outside the store. His BD was running his mouth about how he's just been working on himself, wants to heal what's been done but has just been really busy and how (17) should consider letting him contact (17) so they can rekindle things and how BAM!!! right in the kisser. Right hand straight punch on the button. Right in the entry way of the store. Then he calmly turned and went inside to buy the things he needed to hang the posters in his room. No police were called. Now I can go on about how BD called his own mother to complain, called the other siblings to state his case, but what I'm here asking is this; as much logical sense as this makes to all of us, isn't this emotionally confusing to a 17 yo that likely still has some identity that he derives from his BD? He isn't old enough to have developed his own separate identity. I'm not a big "I love you" guy but I made sure to tell him that I loved him and that he was, for all intents and purposes, MY BOY. He reveled in it. But I am new to the whole kids thing. I don't know if I should say something else to him so he knows that his feelings are normal or just chalk it up as a win. I don't want to raise an emotionally closed-off kid. But I also don't want to make a bigger deal of it than it is and confuse him. We aren't in crisis mode, he seems fine. But I know there are some more experienced fathers on here than myself so I'm asking.
- Bookmark
- 0
- 0
I don't have much experience in this yet, just had my first boy a year ago at 37 but I'd just like to say kudos for you for stepping up and being the man his sperm donat should have been. Takes a real man to do that and much respect to you.
If he has managed years of school pretty much trouble free, not getting into fights, drinking or drugs. I'd say the kid is doing just fine and let's face it he's growing up and most mature, it's a very small amount who grow up to be like his dad. And probably hates him and wouldn't want to be like him. The fact it's was just a single punch says a lot to, he could of gone to town
on the man. He gave him what he imagined he wished he could of when he was younger and physically less able.
I think he's going to be just fine, nothing to worry about at all.
He has what I would call a normal amount of teenage run-ins with bad decisions but generally he's been doing alright. Better than I did anyway. But you make a good point- only one punch for all those years of hate? That the picture of self-restraint. Thanks bro.
Get that kid into some kind of martial arts. It will help teach him to control those urges in the future. Next time the guy might not just take the hit and let it go. Next time they might call the cops. Or even worse, come back with back up or a weapon.
And that's my concern exactly; that he needs to figure out other ways of dealing with anger. He can't keep punching people or he will go to jail. Or end up figuring out that there is always someone bigger and meaner than you. The hard way. I thought about martial arts but... scares me to think about him being any better at fighting LOL He definitely needs an outlet though. Agreed.
I would empathize with him on how hard it must have been for him to keep as cool as he had been. But unprovoked violence is not justifiable, and it could have ended badly for him at his age. Being a man means being in control of oneself.
Then I'd say something like, "Do you think you broke his nose? It'd be awesome if you broke his nose. -Not that I'd condone such a thing". ;-)
Nice dose of reality mixed with inconsistent messages. That's what good parenting seems to be made of LOL I'm telling you, you speak the truth. I really had to control the urge to say, "fuck ya, sounds like he got the message" but at the same time I can't say "you shouldn't have done that because it's immature". Locked. It was so much of both that I pretty much had to smile and nod and give him a hug. But I like the idea you proposed first- positive reinforcement of positive behaviors, as in "I'm proud of you for showing some restraint. Hopefully you can move on in a healthy manner." Such a mixed bag of emotions.
Do most of us think the guy is an azzhole. Heck yeah
But do you know in your head that your step son should or could be in jail on assault charges
This azzhole man took a punch to the face and did nothing, He could of called the cops and pressed charges
He ate it. Do you you know how hard it is to EAT A PUNCH probably not most guys here would of put this kid over out knee and spanked his butt
…:: This azzhole might be better then anyone had given him credit for man. I have 3 sons all over 20 now
My one son dated a girl. Her dad hit her my son did what he thought was right went over and hit him in the face. Guess what. The punch cost me 10,000 dollars CASH to drop all charges cause in the real world unions and real
Jobs do not like to have guys with assault charges on there record…. Between me and you. You are the chosen one to step up be a friend but most important a ROLE MODEL. And he will find his path
Goodluck the role of step dad is soooooo over looked and dont get the AWARD you guys deserve
That young girl my son protected wound up lesve that piece of shit and me and my wife at the time took her in and assumed guardian legally.. 7 months later my son and her broke up and my son said dad i want her out …
I said you have a better chance of hell freezing over if someone has to leave the house it will be a man who can find his footing in life. They broke up but everything worked out for all of us. Back then.
That is exactly what scares me- that he won't outgrow the violence. That's all I need is him going to jail and having to dig him out of that.
I've been in a similar situation from my own experience and from the step Dad side of it. You did the right thing. Just let it be. If he brings it up, let him know that it was ok. He did good. Not to promote violence, but it's what he felt he needed to do to get it out of him. No harm, no foul!
On another note, coming from a step dad of quite a few kids that are grown, that I'm still close with, you're a good dude brother! It a lot to man up and be that guy. To let him know you got his back and you are his dad should he need you. So all respect due brother!
So less is more! I'm relieved to know you feel the same way. Thanks for the advice brother!
Anytime bro!
Good to know he doesn’t need that POS. He’s secure enough with you that he has no need to pander to a fake father who hasn’t treated him well his whole life.
Doesn’t need a deadbeat. He already has a dad.
Spoken just like a Honey Badger!!!
Wish I had been there sooner. Thanks bro.
Sooner? You're there at the right time.
I had to read that a couple of times, but you’re absolutely right
Good on ya mate. My dad died when I was young and my stepdad was not great. He wasn’t like abusive or anything but he had kids of his own that always came first.
Always nice to see a good step father.
I’m not perfect but I’m trying. Thanks again man.
Wow. First off I tip my hat off to you for being there for him. For a 17 yr old kid to go through all that hurt with his biological dad he is bound to be storing up hate and bitterness which any kid would. However that bitterness is only hurting him more so than his biological father so there's that. I'll be honest, it looks bad when any child fights their parents but man in this case there is some deep deep pain that will take some working out. I just hate hearing about situations like this. I'll say this, if he's a kid I don't think he is 100% at fault given the situation. Now was his bio father sincere? If he was then that's another story. I have a soft spot for any kid even though I'm a bit rugged myself lol.
EDIT: not sure how I missed his age but at 17 he's a kid. I was thinking he was a little older.
No those are really good points bro. And a great question which I should have clarified. His BD is 100% a manipulator and that was all some self-serving “I haven’t been in your life because I’m trying to be a better person” bullshit. He doesn’t know how to be sincere. But I agree, this was why it was hard to hear. Because I know the kid is hurting and it sucked no matter what. I’m just hoping he got it out of his system and he can move on now. That hate gets heavy. Edit: if I told you the whole thing, it was clear he was trying to play the victim and try making the kid feel sorry for him.
I've seen that self serving type before. If that's the case he'll get what's coming to him trust me, and it will be way worse than a damn punch to the snout. I mean at 17 it's going to be hard for him to get over everything. His 17 yr old brain isn't fully mature to even fully grasp the whole situation. Look I just feel sorry for your kid man. I don't know everything but only what you've commented and brother it isn't good. Tell you what bio dad needs to take accountability like a real man. And if not his ass will be miserable without his biological son, point blank. Blood is blood no doubt but when that blood is toxic you gotta love from long distance. I have some relatives that I'm loving from a long distance. It's sad but that's reality
That’s such a good point. That was my whole take on the situation is that my heart really broke for the kid because there’s no way that situation wasn’t confusing.
I honestly don't even know what to say that would be helpful. Hope that at least helped a bit. Like I said kids are naturally innocent. It's what they see and learn that ultimately comes out and shapes their identity. Now for us adults that's a different story, man we're all screwed up. We should know better.
Sometimes is not what you say but just knowing that I could speak honestly in here and I know that you and few others are for sure going to help me let the steam out, you know?
Glad we can help man. Sad situation my brother. I wish the kid the best
After thinking about this whilst having my Tea and crumpets, whilst I'm not a father I am fairly level headed in most situations these days. I think what I would do if I were you is to leave the situation alone and don't tell him whether he was right or wrong, just accept the fact he a lot of justified anger and hatred towards him and rightly so after all these years for what he did. He vented his anger and got out what he needed to. You have to also remember that these were times when you weren't part of his life, so it isn't really your place to tell him he was wrong either. Problem is pal is if you start to high five him over it all and make him feel proud of what he did then he may begin to feel that going around punching people is the way forward in life when in reality we all know it isn't - if that guy got knocked out cold and smashed his head on the pavement your stepson would be looking at 10 years in prison right now. Just be seen to be the cool step dad that isn't gonna get involved in his mums and his personal business and isn't going to try and take the place of a father who is going to tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing. Also if he sees this as no big deal and that you approve of him assaulting people he may begin to do it more now that he has got a bit of confidence from it.
Vented and got his anger out? Maybe if this were a stranger, I speak from experience this only makes things worse,. This is incomparable to fighting at school or punching a stranger, while I don’t agree with raging and putting my hands on just anyone; when there’s abuse from childhood it’s inevitable . kid became and man and fought back. The courts would also take the child’s side somewhat as he’s a minor. Again when it comes to court proceedings I speak from experience. There’s so many factors. Never make a kid confident from fighting or battles that are useless anyways, but to deal payback to an abuser this kid deserves an award.
I’m glad my bitchass father got it from me young, if it were now he’d have something else coming. Hid behind the badge for 20 years and justified abuse because position of power. Homie don’t play that shit
I have to say, knowing all the ins and outs (and not just from my GF's side because she has older kids that were old enough to see and remember all of this shit and I've heard their stories so I feel like I have an honest grip on who the villain is here) deep down inside I am glad he got his licks. For anyone who's done any prison time, the one thing the outside world is missing is some swift justice. I can't condone violence publicly or certainly not to a child but there would be less assholes in the world if more people got punched in the mouth for stepping out of line.
Always got to remember too, that in these situations where the dad is supposed to be an arsehole and wants nothing to do with the child etc - that there are 3 sides to every story. Yours, mine and the truth. Sure the guy sounds like he was a prat, but how many times have we heard on here about the parents separating and the child continuing to live with its mother, with the mother doing everything she can to poison the kids mind and make sure the father gets no chance of seeing his kid. Maybe the father was an arsehole back in the day like a lot of men are, now he genuinely sees the error of his ways and wants to try to apologise and make things right? I know a few guys who are desperate to see their kids but the mother is doing everything in their power to destroy the fathers reputation. I am not saying this is the case here but so many factors and truths and lies are behind these things, its a shame as ultimately its the kid that suffers the most in it all between the 2 fighting parents - often the parents are too preoccupied with having their own personal war to notice how it is affecting the kid.
DAD. Is this you !!!!!!!!
You taught me soooo much in life !!!!
Because of you i am a better MAN THAN you ever was. I am better because of all the fucked up drinking; missed birthdays, always busy , in many ways you screwed our family
You bet your ass i am a MANS MAN while still loving the shit out of my family, and being there whenever they need me , I havent talked to you in 7 years and i can wait your lifetime to never talk again.
Well said
That’s what I’m talking about bro. I kinda just grinned at him and said, “you alright? You feel better?” and left it at that. Made sure he knew I was there for him but my inexperience led me to wonder if was leaving something out. He’s already got fights at school etc so the last thing I want to do is tell him that’s the best way express his anger. But between you and me and the readers here- I’m happy he got his licks in. Thanks for the feedback. And I apologize for interrupting tea time. I know you take it seriously lol
This is a travesty , first off we all have our problems, no child should have to go through any of this; I had many scarring moments in my early and late teens that I’ll never be able to shake completely. I get why you’re posting this on here..
Two years ago on my old account I posted how my best friend and I were doing Tren, he was using it for the first time, long story short he relapses on methamphetamine, he tries to steal my car, we fight, he still leaves with the car, the cops were never called..I brought this story to warn the dangers of Tren with people who have addictive personalities ..
I was booed and downvoted HEAVY, arguments started about how “junkies are junkies” all that judgement horeshit. Case in point I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re told to take this post down by some nut on here, if you really want to take care of this situation DM on here I can point you in the direction where this dude needs to be handled swiftly. Without you putting hands on someone and risk doing time over ..
Truth is you don’t have to seek advice on here either, the man inside you knows to care for the boy and make the BD pay
After reading your comment I think you read it as the dad punched the kid. I believe he’s saying the kid punched the dad if I’m not mistaken.
Oh Jesus of that wasn’t clear I need to edit this. Yes. The boy punched his dad. As it says in the heading. Thanks buddy. Nice AVI btw. “I do believe the Monsignor finally got the point.” Haha
My ADHD and inability to pay attention caused the mixup, not you , without going into a long montra about me , I’ve dealt this to my father at the age of 18 much like your boy, it’s not something anyone really moves past, this is the payoff of pain when he can’t take it he explodes, we remain calm but how many times can you kick a dog when he’s down.
I believe the gym and trt become the only outlet where I could Channel the hatred for life 17-28 years old until I needed to sit down for a while and deal with the shit in MY head.
You’re with your boy for a reason, if anything cherish him and find that unconditional love, I’d feel like I would want to let him he’s courageous and stronger mentallly and physically than he knows.
When KaT Williams got beat up by that eighth grader in the hood he fucking deserved it, karmas a bitch and sometimes it takes someone to get their ass beat to get the message right?
Its fine bud - its clear as day you mean the kid punched the dog, I mean the dog punched you, I mean the kid punched Ohh what do I mean again??!! LMFAO
Hey I never had sex with that dog. But if I did, it was because it was sending mixed signals.
Exactly, if the dog never wanted the bone it shouldn't have begged and licked its lips.
Tried playing coy and walking away but it pointed its butthole right at me. Might have even winked. What am I supposed to think?
And who could blame you? No man turns down a bit of Doggy-style ....
I was just waiting for you to get into this thread so that we could change it into some homoerotic bestiality stuff. Thanks for not disappointing me.
Sorry for lowering the tone again buddy - I can always start acting responsibly if you want? Lmao
The threads NEVER let me down! I knew it would be in here somewhere. Lol
I do appreciate the feedback. And to be clear, I don’t feel like I need to do anything to his bio-dad. His karma is on him. I’m wondering if anyone has any sage parenting advice to share so I can make the most of the kid’s journey through this. I guarantee there are dads on here with more experience than me in tough matters. Edit: I also wonder about the difference between my urge to hi-five the kid because I don’t want him to be a pussy and the alternative that us older cats know to be true- you can’t spend your life socking people who piss you off because you’ll go to jail. Thank god this is a “mind your own business” type of neighborhood.