A few Months while training at a gym in South Florida, I looked across the room and noticed a lady hitting a heavy bag all by herself. I knew who she was but would not call her a friend, we were just acquaintances.
She was a mediocre fighter a few years ago, who ended up marrying a very current, very high level fighter who also happens to be a woman. (All homo) I noticed she was hitting the bag quite hard, and seemed to be somewhat upset. Upon further examination, I realized she was sporting two black eyes. Not Karate Kid after Johnny and the other cobra Kai’s beat him up Black eyes.. they were small black eyes likely from taking a hit in the nose.
Black eyes in a fight gym really isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Most guys are going to leave a hard practice with a couple of stars on their face so I didn’t think much of it.
Now, here is something about me, that you may not know. I really hate to see someone having a bad day. I especially hate to see someone walking around all pissed off. Especially in a gym. I don’t know why, but when I see someone pissed off, I have this natural inclination to try and cheer that person up.
So… After I finished putting my own work in, I walked over to this chick and said “hey Nina, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?”
She kind of smiled, rolled her eyes and said: “what?”
I replied: “Nothing bro. You already told her twice!”
Ok kids, I get it. That joke isn’t an Ed original, or even that funny. It’s just the only Black Eye joke I know so I told it.
You might ask me the question: “Hey Ed, did she find that joke funny?”
If you did ask me that, I would answer back with: “No, she did not find that funny at all.”
In fact, she was offended enough that she decided to let everyone in the gym know that she was offended as she yelled out: “Ed! You are an effing A-hole!”
Immediately following her outburst, Every one in the gym stopped what they were doing to look over at uncle Ed, so that they could see why Uncle Ed is an “effing A hole”.
She storms out of the gym and there I was, just standing there with a shit eating grin on my face.
As most of you know. I’m not a man who apologizes so I looked at all the bros on the mat and said:”She’s married! I’m not going to sleep with her! She is pissed off that I wouldn’t sleep with her! Damn crazy women! Everyone on the mat laughed and went back to work. No harm, no foul. Right?
Wrong. Fast forward to the next Day. I get my workout in, take a shower in the locker room, and now that I’m one of the older guys, I feel it is my duty to be the old man that walks around the locker room with my 10 inch flaccid man hammer swinging just enough to keep everyone’s Eyes looking straight ahead and into their locker. No homo. Ok, maybe it’s only 8 inches when it’s flaccid. You know what I mean…
I get dressed and head out to my truck and as I am walking toward my truck, a rather masculine looking wife of the lady that I offended with my joke ..steps out of her Subraru and says in a Hispanic accent “Ed, you are a real piece of shit.”
I smiled and without missing a beat replied: “I know. Thank you for noticing.” And kept walking towards my truck. About this time it dawns on me the reason why this chick is pissed. She must have not liked my joke. She started to follow me. She did not mix words. She had her purpose figured out and she said: “Now I’m going to teach you a lesson” as she started to walk faster towards me.
Yes kids, she was planning on beating the shit out of Uncle Ed.
“Were you scared Ed?”
Hell no, I am a firm believer that there is not a woman alive that can beat me in a street fight. I’m a big dude and at one time, was a world class wrestler. There is not a woman alive that can beat me in a street fight.
Trust me.
“But Ed! What about Rhonda Rousey! She would kick your ass!”
No kids, Rhonda Rousey would not kick my ass in a street fight. How do I know? I know, because this pissed off woman walking towards me to beat me up is a badder bro than Rhonda Rousey.
But…I really didn’t want to fight this chick. I was taught at a young age that a man should never hit a women. Not for anything. I can honestly say that I have never hit a woman in my life. Sure, I’ve choked a few of them, and allegedly may have killed a few hookers, but never have I ever hit a woman. In my book, There is nothing more cowardly than when a man hits a woman.
I kept walking toward my truck as I heard her steps slowly close in on me.
Behind me, I hear her say: “Where are you going Bitch. I’m not done talking to you.”
I can’t really explain how I felt at the moment. It was kind of surreal. Here I had one of the baddest broads on the planet walking towards me, Calling me a “bitch”.
I’m not going to lie, I felt like a dog that didn’t know the difference between shit, sit and sick.
I stopped, looked back with my eyebrows raised and said: “Mandy, I don’t want to fight you” (This chick Haaaaates to be called Mandy.)and I turned and continued walking towards my truck.
That is when I heard, the most horrific sound I can ever remember hearing. It started with a low gutteral cough, and then was followed up with a deep clearing of the throat.
I was horrified!
“Why were you horrified Ed?”
That’s a good question kids! Uncle Ed was horrified because Uncle Ed knew that she just coughed up a loogie the size of a little league baseball that had my name written on it.
It was then that she spit this giant l saliva covered green goo booger bird right directly at my back.
“Flaaack!” It hit like a paint ball to leather.
“Damn Ed, was it disgusting?”
You bet your ass kids. It was damn disgusting.
This was the straw that broke the camels back.
Something inside of me went numb….
I stopped, turned back to face her and said:”Alright Butch, now you are going to get your ass kicked. Let me put my bag in my truck and we will give it a go.”
This kids is where I do my best work. When I am when I am Under pressure. That is when I bring my best heat.
I walked to my truck, opened the back door, threw the Bag on the back seat. I looked down, and there on on the floor board of my truck was my hunting bag from a few weeks earlier. I reached into my bag and into the right inside pocket. I already had a plan. You see kids, that bag was packed for an Alaska hunting trip. In the right inside pocket of that bag was a can of “Guard Alaska Bear Spray”. The best bear spray money can buy.
I grabbed the can, pulled it out it out (no homo) flipped the safety off and walked directly towards this woman bro and sprayed her right in the effing face!
I yelled “what now tough guy!”
She let out this blood curdling scream that was attached attached to a death threat…so….I sprayed that bitch again just for good Measure.
I kid you not… She literally dropped like a ton of shit. Coughing, crying, and cursing at me.

I looked down at her and said: “I looks like I won. Thanks for playing. Please take that as a lesson and leave me alone.”
I pulled off my Lougie covered, sweat-soaked tank top, threw it at her and said here, use this to wipe your eyes.
I turned around walked back to my truck, climbed in, fired it up, and drove off into the sunset.
I felt good because I kicked her ass and didn’t even have to throw a punch. That’s how I like it.

Kids. I share this story to help you all learn a lesson. Please remember, it is never ok to spit a lewgie at Uncle Ed when he has his back turned. Also…you don’t have to hit a woman to win a fight. A canister of bear spray and a rape whistle will be sufficient.

I hope this helps.
All my love, no homo
Ed.