Seems like we are all having a bad week!
Last night I had a really good productive status meeting with my documentary partner, and that is the ONLY thing that has gone right this week!
Here's the part where I vent. I've got a beautiful, wonderful loving wife, who is a little too much of a free spirit. This week I've been sick, got some sort of head cold. So I went to bed early, and she took one of the older kids to church. Well two of the older kids were home and supposed to be watching the 4yr old twins. About 30 minutes after my wife leaves, the cops show up at my house and wake me up. It turns out the older kids couldn't be bothered to pull their heads out of their asses and the babies had gone for a walk. The cops found them almost a mile away! Add on top of this that one of the twins decided to walk down to the park by herself last week, and I think there is a real issue here.
The real issue, in my mind, is that my wife doesn't like to EVER require things of the children, and she definitely will not ever punish them for doing something wrong.
I haven't had an issue with this in the past, because the older kids that live with us are hers from her first marriage, and the twins are really good usually. However, this has brought up a gaping issue for me in that they really aren't learning right from wrong. It's got me to the point where I'm actually wondering if it is endangering them. I feel like such an asshole writing this, but I'm actually considering divorcing my wife and suing for full custody solely because I'm worried about my daughters.
Vent over... Going back to work.
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AnonChildren need to learn at a young age that if they do something they aren't supposed to, there will be consequences. You are the father and the man of the house son you are the disciplinarian. Mothers are typically turned to for comfort and nurture. Fathers are relied on by mothers to lay down the law and keep order. This is our nature. I am not saying that mothers shouldn't discipline kids, just that we rely on you to drop the hammer. I know when I use those 3 words it gets my kids attention, "i'm telling daddy"!
CleyonLOL, I remember what it meant when my Mom said "When your Dad gets home"! Of course my Dad is an airline pilot, so there was sometimes as much as a week to sit there and worry about the coming storm!
9Kids will be kids, and kis like adventure so you cant fault them for that, you have to set rules though for times when you are a sleep, leaving the house AT ALL FOR ANY REASOn without permission. as long as you set some good ground rules kids will generall follow them if they know right from wrong, if they are just rebellious thats a whole other issue. they wife is not the problem, if you are thinking of divorcing her its not over this, im sure. use it as a reason to have a good old fashion sit down and lay out some rules. its a good starting point. good luck
CleyonThanks guys for the love, I'll get back on with some more specific replies in a bit.
How old are the twins and has taking care of the younger one been part of their choirs?
Have they been taught how to babysit?
Have they been offered pay to babysit?
If this is part of their expected choirs, than you and your wife need to be united in the punishment. revoke a privilege or make them do something extra... They involved the cops; make them do a community service, or donate their allowance to the church.
CleyonThis seems like a good place to start. The twins are 4, and it's generally accepted that helping out with the younger kids is always part of the older kids chores. Both my wife and I are the second of seven kids, so we know how that works. If we leave the kids with them for an extended period (more than an hour or so) we pay them.
I'm not blaming this incident all on the kids, or all on my wife. Hell I was in the house too, so I feel a lot of culpability even though I was sick and in bed asleep.
The biggest issue is the lack of training that they are receiving from their Mom right now. She thinks that it's OK to be foot loose and fancy free all the time, but I believe you have to set ground rules and teach children that those are never violated without consequences.
Long story short. You are the man of the house. You have to get control of this now for the sake of the kids future. Throw the hammer down and let all in the house know you mean buisness, demand the the respect of all.Once you do the hard part is keeping the respect. That could of got real ugly. Mixed marriage is hard for everyone. It takes alot of patience. Feel free to PM me if you want. There is more to this just don't want to put it out in open forum. But for what it's worth, I understand where you are coming from.
CleyonCouldn't agree with you more JKC, that's why I wrote in the reply above that I feel culpable in this. I've mentioned my displeasure at this multiple times, but haven't put my foot down. That's comet to an end. I've told my wife that by Sunday night I want a plan from her on how she is going to change the way she's dealing with training our children.
Her older kids aren't bad kids, the oldest one is so lost inside a computer that he doesn't have a single friend and will probably never get to feel a boobie that he hasn't rented for the hour, but he does chores when asked and is less of a butt-head than I was at 18. I'd probably respect him more if he was a typical 18yr old "I'm invincible" type of kid.
Hey brother, I realize sometimes punting the football seems like the best option, and sometimes it is, but make sure it's the fourth down with a lot of yards to go. You never punt at second and ten. When you got married you probably made some of the biggest promises of your life. Keep them until it's impossible. You've gotta be able to look back an know that you gave it every thing you had. If you don't... even if you gave it 99% you may look back with regret. You don't need to live with regret.
You said it yourself that your wife is a "beautiful, wonderful, loving wife." Hey that's not bad. There was a reason that you married her in the first place. Now keep that part and do what you can to fix the other part. There is nothing wrong with dropping the hammer on a few character traits. If she is endangering your children, you need to bust her ass about it. You are the man of the house, if the older step kids are shit heads, bust their asses about it and then love them like you were their real dad. If your wife doesn't like you reigning in a little responsibility, let her be the one to leave. Sometimes women appreciate a man stepping up to the plate and keeping shit in line. I think you will see the older kids will appreciate a real dad kicking their asses. If not now, they will when they get older because it means that you care.
Sometimes a man needs to kick some ass to keep his house in order. Just don't forget to follow up with some serious love.
CleyonAnd here is my final reply of the night. You've hit the painful part of this on the head, I love my wife. I also realize who my wife is, and that it's completely against her nature to discipline and correct children in the way that is needed.
I tend to be really laid back then crack the whip hard. Of course I'm quick to comfort and provide love as soon as I'm done disciplining, but that is a huge deviation from their Dad who loves to hold everything they've done wrong over their heads for eternity.
Looking at that last sentence may have just opened my eyes to what my wife's real issue is. Maybe she's so used to the way he disciplined that she's over compensating. I really don't know. I'm going to do everything possible to make correct the course here, I'm just really frustrated. You are right that I won't be able to live with myself if I don't give it 100%.
It's every living creatures responsibility to prepare it's offspring to survive on their own. Scolding, discipline, and corrective teaching are extremely important.